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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello there, my friends. Welcome to another episode of Breakup Pep Talks and here in the United States, we are coming up on Thanksgiving this coming Thursday. So if you're listening to this in real time, this is going to be very timely. And if you are outside the United States, we are coming up on holiday season end of the year and so much more. And actually, I just heard the statistic recently that December is one of the biggest months for breakups, especially early December. So if you discover this after a recent breakup and you're looking for some help to talk to family, to answer annoying questions, you're in the right place. I got you. This is such a big time for gathering and seeing people that we haven't seen in a really long time. And I know from my own experience and from my client's experience, the hardest part of these gatherings is navigating the questions that come up sometimes, but they are just poorly executed. Sometimes they're just plain nosy, and I think the best way to handle it is to have a plan going in. So I wanted to give you some scripts and some tools so that you can navigate these conversations with a little bit more ease and a bit more confidence. Sound good? All right, so I want to check in on you. I genuinely mean this. How is your heart today?
(01:40)
And I ask you that because I know how rare it is for somebody to genuinely ask that. And sometimes maybe this feels like a one-way conversation where I talk into a microphone and you listen. But I really do care about each and every one of you that listens. It means a lot to me and know that when I put together my plan for each of these episodes, I'm thinking about you. And maybe it's been a while since somebody has genuinely asked you and genuinely cared. How is your heart? And I do care, and I want you to know I'm here for you. If you ever need to share, if you need some advice, you can always reach out to me. I'm on Instagram, just it's just my name at Sarah Kernels and let me know what's coming up for you. So I was thinking about how do I help people around holiday time?
(02:42)
And this was the first thing that came up of how to navigate these conversations when people, you haven't seen them in a while, maybe the last time they saw you, you were with your person, and maybe this is the first time they're getting the news that you're not together anymore. And the holidays can also activate other kinds of triggers, right? Lots of memories and expectations and traditions, rituals. I remember my ex and I, we had broken up in the fall, and when I was going through my Christmas decorations, because I love Christmas, of course, the first things I was unwrapping were the ornaments he had given me for the last four years, and some of them held such dear, dear memories and so much sentimental value for me. It was really hard to tap back into the joy of doing something that I love. I'm going to talk more about how to handle these kinds of triggers.
(03:46)
That's going to be next week's episode actually. So if that's interesting to you, stay tuned. But I just share all that to let you know that I know how much the season can bring up. And I share that because I want you to be aware that you might be on hyper alert already when you go into these family situations. There can be a lot, there can be a lot of stress going into this season, and you are already under a lot of stress because you're navigating this big change. So your nervous system is kind of on this high alert stage, and there's all this stress that you're dealing with, and it can feel like these questions, no matter where they're coming from or who they're coming from, they can feel like an attack.
(04:37)
There's nothing wrong with you if that's the way that it's feeling for you, okay? It's the conditions of how your body is right now at this time is going to make these feel like they're really big and they're really stressful. So what we want to do is we want to take care of your nervous system, and I'm going to give you something that you can do even before you go into these family situations so that you can calm yourself down a little bit. And we're going to do this together. I want you to have this experience right now so that you're held, you are going to be okay, you are supported. You can go ahead and you can listen to this as many times as you need to. If you need to keep listening to it over and over again, please do so. Take a moment right now and I'm going to invite you to close your eyes if that feels good.
(05:37)
And if it doesn't work for you right now, if you're driving, don't close your eyes obviously. But if you don't like closing your eyes, maybe just lower your gaze to the end of your nose and take three breaths. Maybe it feels good to put a hand on your heart and feeling that connection to yourself. And as you take those breaths, I want you to put your attention on the soles of your feet. Just feel your feet breathing and noticing the soles of your feet. Okay? That right there is the grounding practice where it brings your energy down. It calms your body down. It lets your body and your whole system, your nervous system, know that we're okay. We're not under attack. There are no lions, tigers, or bears. Even if somebody asks a question that feels like pressure, I am okay. Alright? So go ahead. You can do that as many times as you need to. So I want to tell you first about there are three different kinds of hard questions that you might expect. I was thinking of all the different questions people ask, and I really found that they break into three categories. So the first category of question is the nosy questions. So these are the ones where people are like, oh, what happened? Whose fault was it? Are you dating anybody? Now, any of those kinds of questions where it feels really intrusive and invasive.
(07:29)
So these may be coming from a place where the person's curious, they want to support you, but they want to get more information so that they know the best way to support you. But whatever their intentions are, it comes across, they're all up in your business. Okay, so that's category one, nosy questions, category two, the pressure questions. I find these come from my mother the most. These are questions like, when are you going to settle down? Don't you want kids? You're not getting any younger. Those all sound very much like my mother. So these feel, when you hear these kinds of pressure questions, they really hit two big wounds that have been kicked up in the breakup. One of them is that your future is in question, and it feels like the future that you had planned has now totally dissolved into a black hole.
(08:33)
And so it's kicking up a lot of fear around, I don't know what my future's going to look like and I don't know if I can have the future that I thought I was going to have. What I wanted is now in jeopardy. All of those fears. And then also your identity wound if you were married or if you were headed towards marriage, or even just sometimes being that partner or the girlfriend, the boyfriend, the identity of that was my role, that was my position, that was what I was able to provide, and I had somebody I was in relation to. It was somebody I was being, it feels like your identity is in question. A lot of times we also have those questions of I don't know who I am without my person, without my partner. So these pressure questions are hitting on those two big wounds of your identity is in question and your future is in question. Okay? Category three is, I didn't have a great name for it, but it's those well-meaning questions, but it's totally clueless. I'm going to call them tone deaf questions. Actually, these are your tone deaf questions. The ones where people are like, well, you'll find somebody, or everything happens for a reason. Oh, have you gotten back on the apps yet? So these are different.
(09:56)
They feel very different because it seems to be minimizing what you're going through, even though it just seems to be trying to make you smaller or dismissing of your pain, right? Okay. So those I want you to be aware of are kind of the three categories that they might come in, and those are some of the things that you might anticipate. So when you are going into your holidays, we're going to talk about an action plan, and then we're going to talk about some scripts of what you can say. So going into these holiday parties, these holiday events, I want you to practice grounding. So I want you to practice it in the parking lot before you go in, but I want you to be consistently grounding over and over and over again because I learned that we practice when things are easy so that we can call on the skills when times are hard.
(10:55)
And what that means here is you might feel okay when you're at home and you're just working from home and you're not around people and you don't have to answer these questions. I want you to practice grounding even then. And if you practice grounding when it's easy and you're not being triggered, when you do get triggered, you're going to have all this practice under your belt and it's going to feel familiar to be able to reach for either the tool or that feeling of feeling calm and grounded. It'll be more accessible when you're under pressure. So practice just that breath and feeling your feet. It's as simple as that. Practice that over and over and over again. And then going in to the event, I want you to give yourself a pep talk. I'm going to give you a couple ideas because that's what I do here. So you are going to tell yourself a little pep talk so that you have a good frame of mind when you're going in. So it could be something like, I don't have to explain anything. I don't want to explain. I don't have to answer any question.
(12:08)
I have nothing to defend. Sometimes we feel like these questions are an attack and we have to defend ourselves. There's nothing to defend. I'm living my life the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can. Or maybe we could change it a little bit. We could change the tone. If it's helpful to set an intention. It could be something like, my intention here is to have a good time and I'm allowed to leave when I'm not having a good time anymore. Or maybe my intention is to connect with family members and to talk about the other parts of our lives that don't involve my romantic relationship.
(12:51)
So what this does is it gives you something to focus on before you go in and it will calm your fears and your anxieties. Okay? Oh, I also have one more, sorry, checking back on my notes again, my worth is never in question, right? Sometimes we feel like when those questions come out as they're questioning, are you any good? What was wrong with you that you've lost this relationship? Guess what? Your worth is never in question. Okay? So no matter what comes your way, your worth is never in question. So that might be one of your pep talks too. Okay? That's your action plan. Before you go in, you are going to practice grounding and you are going to give yourself a little pep talk or an intention to focus on when going into the event. Alright? Now, I'm going to give you a couple scripts, and you know what?
(13:42)
I broke them into categories, but really you can use any of these for pretty much anything. So it doesn't have to be hard and fast. I just wanted to give you some categories. So for some of these nosy questions, here are some ways that you could respond. You could say something as simple as, I'm focused on my healing right now, not retelling the story. This is probably my favorite one, because people understand that I'm moving forward and that's what matters. You say, I'm not discussing details today, but thank you for checking in. I love that. That's a very clear boundary. I'm not in the mood to discuss this, but thank you for your concern.
(14:29)
All right, so the pressure question. So these I use with my mother as well. I'm trusting my own timeline. I appreciate the thought, but I'm living my life and I'm happy. That's actually one that I use with my mom. I'm not rushing anything. Peace is my priority. I'm building a life I love, and the right relationship will fit into that. I'm going to put a spin on it because this is also one that I've been using myself. I'm building a life that I love and I won't compromise for less than what I deserve. Or I want a relationship that's as great as the life that I'm building. You can feel free to make these sound like you obviously. Alright? And then for those tone deaf questions, I appreciate the support. I'm taking it one step at a time. Thanks. Right now I'm just focusing on myself.
(15:29)
I know you're trying to help. I'm okay. Just moving slow. Okay? Those are some scripts. Now, I do want to put a little bit of a spin on it because sometimes what happens is you get the question and you just freeze, right? You're like, I listened to that podcast with Sarah, but I totally am blinking right now. I don't know what to do. Here's what you actually want to do, is you want to ask a question so that the pressure is off you and the pressure goes back to the person who asked the question, right? The reason we freeze is that we feel pressured. We feel under, it's like being interrogated, one of those old timey tiny detective shows where you're under the floodlight and where were you? That's kind of the way that we perceive it, and that's why we freeze. So what we want to do is turn that light back on the person, which gives us some time to come back online and remember our boundary of like, I'm not discussing this today. And the best way is to ask a question back. It really can be any question. It could be as simple as, could you repeat that? And that gives you a minute to have your brain come back online. It could be something like, why would you ask me that if you're feeling a little sassy? I like that one. Why do you want to know is a variation of that, but maybe a little softer.
(17:03)
Have you seen Uncle Bob? Right? That's a question too, and it changes the topic. Or you could say, I don't want to talk about it. How are you doing? Turn it back on them. What's new with you? I'm not discussing my personal life today. What's new in your world? I'm a girl from Baltimore. I'm a Baltimore girl, and it would be kind of funny in the middle of December to ask the question that we all ask when we want to change the topic because the local baseball team here is the Orioles. And we'll say, how about the moss? But that would probably make a person laugh to be asked in December about a baseball team. How about the mos? Or you could do any sports team that you like, right? How about them ravens? So I would keep a question in your back pocket and your little pep talk in your back pocket and any of these scripts that feel like they come to you, beautiful, amazing.
(18:15)
Just keep telling yourself, I am taking good care of myself right now. I am healing. I've been through a lot and I am doing my best, and that's all I can expect of myself to just do my best. And my best today might look different than my best yesterday or my best tomorrow, but I am doing my best today in this moment. So as we wrap up this episode, I want you to know that there's nothing wrong if you're feeling a bit under attack, if you're feeling a little nervous going into these family events, but hopefully having a game plan gives you a little bit of confidence and that you're feeling a little more empowered so that you can still show up, still appreciate that time with your family, and be able to hold your boundaries so that your tender heart can continue to have the time that it needs to heal without you having to explain, without you having to answer any question you don't want to answer.
(19:11)
All right? Remember, you can go at your pace and only do what feels right and what feels good to you. Okay? So as we're wrapping up here, I want to give you a really special invitation. So I led this really fun three day event over the weekend called How to Get Over Your X in A Weekend. It's probably my favorite thing that I have taught in a long, long time because we had such big breakthroughs each and every day along the way, and I was so inspired by this group. I really wanted to keep this group and this community going. So I created something very special that I'm starting December 3rd and you can still join right now. I am doing a group coaching program for 90 days, called Over It and Onward. What you're going to get is 12 weekly live teachings with me, where I am going to teach you step by step, everything you need to do to get over your ex and get on with your big, bold, beautiful life that you deserve.
(20:14)
Each week you're going to get teaching by me and also some hot seat coaching so that you have accountability, support anytime you feel like you're wobbling. Alright? I am also going to create a Facebook community that is private to this group alone so that you know are not going through this alone. And you can lean on each other, especially as things get kind of bumpy through the holidays. So this starts December 3rd, it will go through March 3rd, which means you're going to have support for Christmas, Hanukkah, new Year's, Valentine's Day even, right? And then you're going to be into Spring, which is great dating season. Alright? You can join. I'm going to put the link in the show notes, that's the word for it, so you can go to the show notes. It's also at my website, sarah kles.com over it and onward. And there are dashes in between all those words, which is why I'm going to put the link in the show notes.
(21:17)
But I want you there. I want you to come join us. We start December 3rd, do not delay because this is the very first time I am hosting this program and this is a one-time special fee that I'm going to be offering it at a discount that I'm never going to be giving ever, ever, ever again because I'm building this brand new from scratch for this community specifically. And once I have it set, it's going to be worth a lot more. It's also, you're going to get a lot of access to me through this program. I'm going to be there holding your hand all along the way for those 90 days and I want you there. So I'm going to put that link in the show notes. I want you to come join me. This is going to be incredible so that we start you off strong. Alright, my friends, have a happy Thanksgiving if that's what you celebrate. Have a happy holiday season. We're going to keep coming back together each and every week with new ways. Keep supporting you and I look forward to seeing you again soon, my friends. Alright, take care.