Breakups can be incredibly isolating, especially when the people around you don’t fully understand why you’re still hurting or why letting go feels so complicated. In this episode, Sarah talks about the power of having a process, consistent support, and a community of people who are walking in the same direction. You’ll hear why the right container can help you move through the emotional mess of a breakup while rebuilding your relationship with yourself and creating a vision for what’s next. If you’re ready to stop trying to figure it all out by yourself, this episode will show you why community might be the missing piece.
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Speaker 1:
Hello. Welcome in. Welcome in. Hello. So good to see everybody. Welcome. Happy Sunday. Hello, familiar faces. Hello, people here for the first time. Amazing. So good to see you all. Happy Sunday. All right, let's begin at the same place every time I do one of these. Where are you calling from? And one word for how you're feeling today. I am in Baltimore. I've been in Pennsylvania the past two days because I was dog sitting for a family member and I am back at home in Baltimore, but I'm feeling sparkly today. I wore my sparkles for you. I don't know how much you'll get to see them while I teach, so I wanted to show them now. Bob is in Michigan feeling a little raw.
Yeah. Jasmine, upstate New York, feeling hopeful. Beatrix in London, Ontario. Okay. I did not know there was a London, Ontario. Erin in Tennessee, feeling good, a little down. Michelle, hello from West Virginia. He's struggling. That's all right. You're allowed to struggle. Trying to just feel my feelings, know that it's okay. Not good or bad. Just letting them come. Great perspective. Annie in Wyoming. I got it right, right? Annie? Fragile but hopeful. Gina Wake Forest feeling hopeful today. Terry, Kentucky, feeling alone. Well, you are in the right place. We're right there with you. We are all here together. Welcome, Anne. All right.
Okay. Strong in Boulder, Colorado. Ready to surrender to love itself and consciousness. Amazing. Welcome in everybody. All right, we are bringing people in. Gune, am I pronouncing that correctly? From Carmel, Indiana. Okay, awesome. Happy to be here. Good to have you. It's like I get a geography lesson sometimes when I lose. I didn't know there was a Carmel, Indiana. This is great. All right. Cool. Welcome. All right, so just so I get a feel for the room, I want to know how many of these have you been here live for? I know a lot of people catch up on the replays. If this is your first time, put a one in the chat. If you've been here twice, put two in the chat. If this is your third time, put three in the chat. I just like getting a feel for the room.
Wonderful mix. This is awesome. We got some threes, some ones, some twos. Amazing. Amazing. Those of you that have been here live all three days, you know how special the room can get when we're all together. We're all working this together. I have felt so much shift in those last two days. It's really special. I'm often a replay girl. I don't always go to the live things because it doesn't always fit in my calendar, but there is something really special about being together, that live energy of what we create when we're all together here. I did hit record, which is the most important thing because there are people that watch these on recordings. Even if today is your first one, you will get an email. They go out later in the day, so I have time to get everything together, but you get an email and you'll get all the recordings.
So don't worry, you can catch up. Okay.
All right. Amazing. So we have done a lot in two days. Yes. So Gune, you'll get all the past sessions. Yep. You'll get all three days. Yep, absolutely. So I want you to take a. Hello, voice. Hello words. I'm excited, so I'm just going to ground in for a second. I want you all to take a minute to notice something. Notice what has shifted since Friday. How are you different? What has shifted? And it can be small things. Small things, small wins. That's how we stack progress. Sarah says you're in reality. I love that. Oh, Annie, the transcripts didn't open. Okay, I'll take a look at it and I can fix it.
Yeah. Yeah. Yesterday we talked about how much energy we burn and how much of our fight goes into fighting what is fighting reality. And that's just creating more resistance. It's burning your energy, it's burning your power. So being in reality, even though that can be really painful, it shifts a lot because then you have more of your own capacity to work with to move through what's actually hard. We can burn up a lot of energy on the stuff of fighting with reality of it shouldn't be this way, but we just exhaust ourselves. It's not like it changes reality when we say it shouldn't be this way. If you're struggling, then you're in a struggle. It's okay.
And we need every ounce of our energy to take care of ourself during that. All right. Michelle says, "I feel I have a more positive outlook on doing the required work, slowly trying to let go, not as anxious, even though I'm still sad." Yeah, that's a beautiful recognition. You're allowed to still be sad. I gave myself permission to think about him and not resist. Amazing, Terry. I have more hope that everything will be okay, says Bob. Ms. Chau says, stop overthinking. Amazing. Great. So here's what we've done so far. Day one, we started clearing some space and we started letting go. Yesterday we talked about the power of making decisions.
I lay the groundwork in this way on purpose because day three, we need both those skills. We need some space and we need to be able to make some decisions. Because here's the truth, you are already starting to become somebody new. And as you create this new identity and this new vision of what you want, that is what will propel you forward. Okay? Today is about being the person who's over your ex. I want you to take a moment to think about if you fast-forward, let's say you fast-forward into 2027, right? It's the new year that's, I don't know, four or five months away, five months away. If you fast-forward to January, and let's assume you worked with me, you did the hard work, you did the processing, you're in a good place in January and you're over them. What would be different?
You wouldn't be thinking about your ex as much. You probably wouldn't be triggered. There are certain things that just shifted and become your everyday normal reality where you're thinking more about yourself. You're thinking more about what you want, how you want to be spending your time. Maybe you're involved in something that has you really excited, like giving back to your community, a project at work, something that really lights you up. There are differences about this version of you six months, a year from now that you don't have yet. And that's the good news. Because once we figure out who am I in this future version of me, we start behaving that way now. Because here's what happens. Here's the truth.
We often stay emotionally attached to our past because we're focused on what we lost. We're looking at the person that we lost, the relationship, the comfort, the familiarity, the routines that you had, the memories, the inside jokes, all the little things that existed in the past. And we're so focused on, I've lost all of that. That's gone. And that will bring up pain. What we're missing and what will help you to detach is we need to start looking at, but what do I get here? What am I gaining? There's one loss which clears space. And we talked day one when we clear space, nature abhors a vacuum. That space is going to get filled with something and you get to decide what goes in that space. If you don't make an active decision, what do you think is going to go in that space?
The old stuff, the memories, the longing. I mean, the memories I think is pretty much the biggest way to sum it up. It's what I hear the most often of, "Oh, I was so happy then. We were so lucky to be together." All of that stuff that comes up or the hope of, "Well, maybe it'll come back." That's all just hanging on to what you're letting go of instead of focusing on what do I get? And we have this analogy that I was using throughout the three days. We talked about when you redecorate a room, it's really hard to redecorate a room if you're keeping all the furniture in it and then you start bringing in new stuff. It's really hard to bring in a new sofa if you still have your old sofa right there.
And sometimes I get it. I'm actually going through a purge of my stuff as well. Excuse me. We have emotional attachment to stuff. That's normal. We get association. So if you think about redecorating room, you're like, oh, that couch was great. I remember when I picked that out and the color was perfect and it was so comfy. And all the times that I've had movie nights here and I've hosted people and all the memories that can come up with the couch, we can get emotionally attached to this kind of a thing. And so we're like, do I really have to get rid of it? And we start to overlook, well, yeah, the cushions aren't as springy as they used to. There's that butt mark from your favorite spot where you sit there all the time.
And the reality is it's actually kind of hard to let go of that couch if you forget the step of, well, what do I want this room to actually be? What do I want this to feel like? What do I want it to look like? What do I want the experience to be? Because if you take the time to really think, this is what design is, if I take the time to think, how do I want to feel in this room? And you go through all the steps of design, it becomes very clear that couch does not fit in that room anymore. You've outgrown the couch. You're destined for something else. You're craving something else, and that's okay. It doesn't mean that that couch didn't do a great job while you had it. It doesn't mean you loved it any less. It's just it's time.
It's time to move on. It's time for something else. It's time for something new.
So what we want to start doing is we want to start thinking about what is your version of designing a living room? We're looking at your life here. Now, some people are going to approach this differently. Some people are going to think about what is the next relationship I want? Even though you're not ready, you might not be ready to date yet. You might be approaching this from the perspective of I'm going to learn from this past relationship so that I can grow and I can call in a better fit partner for me. Awesome. Amazing. I love that. Some people approach this of, I'm going to go into an era where I'm single for a little while and I'm going to decentralize a relationship. Also amazing. There's room for all of it, whatever your flavor of this is. So whatever it is for you, perfect.
You're going to work that. Okay. I want to show you something. I'm going to share my screen real quick.
So this is a tool. This is called the Dilts Pyramid. It was created by somebody whose last name was Dilts. Can I get a thumbs up if you can see this okay? Cool. Thank you. This is really important because most of us do this from the bottom up. We think if I change my environment, then my behavior's going to change. Then I'll develop new skills and practices and that'll drive my beliefs and values and that'll change who I am and how I see the world. That is one way to go. You can absolutely do that. The environment is the place where you live, your town, your city. It's very much the outside world is what the environment is. And that could be anything from as massive as where you live, to your area, to your clothes even.
It's the outside world is your environment. When I talk about behavior, those are the actions that you take, which can include habits. This could be how often do you go to the gym? It's something that people do a lot after a breakup. They're like, "Well, I'm going to hit the gym six days a week now." That's a behavior change. Skills. When we do a behavior over and over and over again, we develop skills. We create new skills around this behavior. Maybe you're deciding my environment, I'm going to change it. I'm going to go on a big trip. I want to go to France. And so the behavior is I'm going to start taking French lessons. So if you take enough lessons, you get skills in speaking French. It's the skills.
Your beliefs and your values are the driving forces of how you are approaching the world, how you see the world. Your beliefs are the things that you believe to be true. Your values are the things that are important to you. These shape your identity. So it's how you see yourself in the world, who you are, how you're being, and how your being can create your vision. Or some people also think of this as purpose. I use them interchangeably when I work with people. All right. If you approach your breakup in this way, you change your environment, then your behavior, da, da, da, da, da. It will take a really, really, really long time.
Most breakup advice is starting from the bottom up. When people say, "Just stay busy," that falls in behavior. You could stay really busy for a really long time, but when you're not busy, you come home and you're coming to an empty house. What do you do then? It takes a long time when you go on the behavior level to change and impact your identity and your vision of how you see the world. This can feel very frustrating. It feels a bit shallow because you're working surface level to go all the way in down to the core of who you are as a person. And it gets frustrating because you have to do it for a really, really long time for it to create any change.
The way that I recommend people work and the way that I work with my clients, I work from the top down. It's why I get crazy passionate about who you are being, what you want. Even if you don't know what it is yet, even these glimmers have a huge impact. If somebody shows up and they tell me, "I want my next big relationship. I want that to be the marriage that goes the distance. I want it to be an epic love story." That's vision. I know where they're going. I can see that path and I can help them get there.
If you could see how somebody saying that could create a faster path into healing, give me a yes in the chat. Where's my water? Okay. Great. Yesterday I shared with you one of the quotes that's a guiding principle for my business. It's a guiding principle for how I operate, but it's also a guiding principle for my business. It's from Reverend Michael Beckwith, and he says, "Pain pushes until vision pulls." Can you see why I love that quote so much now? If you're using pain to push, that's really looking at the bottom. It's really looking at environment and behavior. That's what we changed first when it's like, I got to get out of this pain.
It also, pain is oftentimes what has us looking for solutions. And you will move so much faster and with less friction, with less resistance if you start at the vision level. Truly, that's also where transformation happens. Because if you have a vision of what you want your life to be, it's going to shape everything. It's also why when I shared my story on day one and I said I really over-compromised. I put my business on the back burner because he wasn't comfortable with risk that comes with entrepreneurship. He really wanted a steady financial base for our relationship, which is totally fair. I totally understand that. I just have a higher risk tolerance than he did. But I compromised. I put my business on the back burner. I did it two or three hours a week instead of full-time like I do it now. We took one vacation a year.
Now I travel every couple weeks. I'm in somewhere new.
When I started healing through my breakup, I realized I had given up so much of myself, of the core pieces of me. And as I started to reclaim those of what do I want my life to look like? What would make me happy? What would make me be like, "Wouldn't it be cool if the stuff that was coming to me was like, I want to write a book. I want to go on a book tour with that book. I want to be speaking on stages. I want to be impacting people. I want to be making a difference in the world. I want to see the world." It was coming very clear to me the life I wanted was actually just not compatible with him. So it was a lot easier to let go of him because I wanted something that was very different. And even if you're not in that situation where it's something that you want's really, really different from the person that you're letting go of, I wanted that life for myself so bad.
It got me so excited to figure it out.
Yes, Michelle, entrepreneurship is not for the faint of heart. It's not for everybody. And that's all right. I have a lot of fun with it. I like the creativity. It's where I get to express. So this isn't about getting over your ex. This is about who were you getting to become? So we can look at your old identity, and this was one of my big things. Again, it became one of the tenets because when I said I had this fork in the road, I knew I could go the way I always went with my breakups. I didn't realize this. It was an identity decision at the time. The old me was overanalyzing everything and overthinking everything and replaying the fights on loop and beating myself up for what I did wrong. I kept replaying the past over and over and over again. And I was using personal growth as a way to beat myself up even more of how much I was messing it up of, this is my problem.
I used to be so obsessed with attachment theory because I would use it to sort of like, well, how can I understand them, the other person? And then I can adapt to be the person that they need me to be. I did it as this I'm not good enough kind of approach.
We spent all day yesterday talking about reclaiming my power. The way I used to do it was I had no power. I had no influence over how I felt. I would wait for that closure. I would wait for that conversation. I'd wait to feel better. That was my old path. And I decided I'm going to figure out a different way to do this. So what I ended up being was somebody who processed emotions instead of runs from them. I became somebody who chooses myself. I became somebody who asked myself, what do I want? And I go after it without guilt or shame. Still working on that. That's a process. I trust myself more deeply.
I move forward instead of looking backwards. I started accidentally building this new identity, not realizing that was going to be the thing that pulled me through. And what I discovered is you don't heal by fixing the past. You heal by becoming somebody who no longer lives there. Yeah. You don't heal by fixing the past. You heal by becoming someone who no longer lives there. Okay. I want you to imagine, you don't have to have all the answers right now. Like I said, I didn't have all the answers. I was kind of figuring it out as I went.
But I want you to imagine if you fast-forward to three months from now, it's Thanksgiving essentially, for those of us in the US, let's imagine that you've done the work. You feel like the light and the vitality is coming back to your life. You feel lighter. You're excited to wake up in the morning. You're really present with your friends. You're laughing. And you're feeling open, not desperate, not clingy, not like I need something from somebody else, but just like, "Hey, I'm really open to what the world has to offer me." Who do you get to be in that version of your life? How do you carry yourself?
What are you no longer accepting? This new identity for yourself becomes the standard. It starts guiding exactly what we talked about yesterday. Who remembers when we said we make a decision? Who remembers that process I laid out at the end of what we do when we make a decision? If you remember it. Pop quiz. I didn't tell you were getting a quiz. Do you want to put it in the chat, Sarah? Yes, commitment. Yeah. Yeah. So that's right. We make a decision. Correct. We commit, we take action, and we make mistakes. So A, when you're asking, how do we get out of the loop past? How do we get the loop of the past out of our heads if we don't know what we want for our future? This is how we do it. Our identity creates the standard. It creates our guidance.
And we start looking. Remember we were creating those I am statements at the end. I am somebody who's moving on. I am somebody who is deciding what I will and will not tolerate. I am somebody who's building a new life. I am somebody who chooses myself. When we have our identity, that feeds our action. It makes the action taking very clear. If I'm somebody who chooses myself, would I use this though loop to keep beating myself up? No, I'm going to find a different. I'm going to find something else to think about. No, I'm going to interrupt this and I'm going to change my state.
Michelle says I left that part out. Yeah. We tend to forget the mistake part because we're really uncomfortable with mistakes, but mistakes can be magic. Right? And we don't beat ourself up when we make mistakes. I probably should put that into the process. We don't beat ourself up when we make mistakes. We go, "Oh look, I made a mistake. What do I want to change? What do I want to do differently? How do I want to evolve this process? What needs to be adjusted?" We can approach it like a scientist. Didn't they say Thomas Edison tried a thousand times to make a light bulb? A thousand. That means he had 999 mistakes and he kept going, "What do I want to change? How do I want to evolve this?" I don't think it takes It won't take 99, tries to get over your ex when you have the right system in place.
But if we have an identity level of I'm the person who's cutting over my ex, we know what we're moving towards, we're committed to it. That means even if I mess up, even if I make a mistake, even if I feel upset, even if I miss that person, happy accidents, we can call them happy accidents, whatever you want to call them. You can have your own label. It's totally fine. Whatever it takes, this is who I'm becoming. Even if it takes time, even if it takes trial and error, this is who I'm becoming. So now I hope you have a picture of what has been keeping you stuck, what has been keeping you attached.
You understand a little bit more about what's been going on in your brain, and hopefully you see where you want to go from here. Here's the really, really honest part. If getting from here to there was just about time, you probably wouldn't be here. If it were just about, if I could just shift my mindset and be over it like that, sometimes questions when people ask me, how do I do this? They want it to be over like that. They want the listicle. If there was a listicle, you'd be over it. People don't stay stuck because they're weak. It's because they don't have a process, they don't have support, and they don't have the right community around them.
Without those things, it's very easy to fall back onto old patterns. The lure of what was familiar, what was comfortable, that's a really strong pull. We have to create that commitment for ourselves to move forward. And honestly, I think one of the challenging things is you can know what to do. I mean, anybody who's ever tried to lose weight or get healthy, you know what to do. That's not the problem. Knowing what to do is very different from doing it. They're two very different things. Okay? This is why I am passionate about what I do. It's why I built a process. (cut here) Because what took me months, months and months and months, it takes some people years to move through it. It can be done in a much shorter time when you know what you're doing. And when you have a process, you have support and you have community.
What I teach is not guesswork. So if you're listening to this, if you're thinking, "I don't want to spend another six months trying to get over my ex. I don't want to spend all this time trial and error guessing and figuring it out on my own. I don't want my next relationship to be defined by what happened in the last one." If you're the person who's really ready to move forward, I want to invite you to think about working with me. I work with people in two main ways right now. I work with people one-on-one because I know how to go deep with somebody. I know how to figure out exactly what you need and when. I also work with people in groups because community is important and I know the power of having the right group of people around you.
You get the same thing in both really. They both have pros and cons. You can work with me individually. I work with people for 90 days. We go deep. We go as deep as you want to go really, and I will go as fast as you want to go while also holding space for processing the emotions, showing you how to move through that, how to work with all the contradictions that come up during this process of how do I love somebody and let them go and not let that hold me back. And ultimately what I'm looking at is I'm helping you rebuild your relationship with yourself, helping you rebuild trust with yourself, helping you create what is next? What's my next step? What's my vision? How do I keep moving forward?
I am also beginning to work with a small group of women with the same thing, except they are also getting a community of having that twenty four seven access to each other. So we'll have a private WhatsApp group where you can text each other at that 1:00 AM like I just need somebody to be there for me. And you have those people. So if you're ready to fully release that past, you're ready to rebuild your self-trust, you just know that you need the right container to do that. I would be honored to have that conversation with you. I love working with people weekly so that we build that consistency so that you move on faster than what you probably think is even possible while building tools and creating a process for you.
So if you already know that you're really interested in, I would love more details on how do I do this, you can book a free consultation call with me where we can talk together to decide, is it one-on-one or is it the group? Which one's better for you? You can grab a free hour on my calendar where I get that private time with you. I get to really understand what's going on, see what's under the hood of a car, if you will, so I can make that diagnosis and help you create the plan forward so that you can make the powerful decision for yourself.
So I want to speak to if you know that you're looking for the community and you're really interested in a group container, I start that on September 2nd. So I'm looking to have these conversations quickly. So I will say if you decide to book today, if you decide to book in the next, I'll say 24 hours because I know there's a recording here. No matter what you decide, if you decide to work with me, I'll give you an extra one-on-one call, whichever win that you get, because I'm really interested in getting people results. And I know one of the ways that I help people get results is I help you make those decisions. Like we were saying yesterday, making decisions is what can build your life. It's what can make the biggest change from here. And even this is making a decision.
So I saw some questions. All right. Erin says, "What do you do when you're alone in a new city? No family near, no friends near?" Yeah. You get to start fresh. What an opportunity. What an opportunity to implement all of this. You get to decide, "Ooh, who do I want to be in this new city? What do I want this to mean for myself?" And don't neglect how powerful online community can be. We said this, was it day one? You're here. You get credit for being here. Zoom can have a lot of power in it. There's really wonderful things that happen on Zoom. And I also love being in person with people.
But you can find really wonderful communities in both when you have your eyes open, when you put intention behind it. I think there's also something really, like I was saying at the beginning, these live calls can create a lot of magic because what's happening is that everybody in this room, our attention is in the same direction. Our attention is how do I move on from my ex? We have this collective force where we're here together. We know that we're here together for an hour a day for three days, and we are all facing in the same direction. That's incredible. Do not underestimate how incredible that is.
So A, it varies depending on what you pick. So my group coaching program is currently 499. It's for women. My private coaching can go up to 2,500 for 90 days. I do custom packages though because I know everybody's in a different situation. I typically work with people for 90 days because I know how quickly things can change when you're in a committed container together. Okay, you're welcome. But I also like to work with people. I like helping you. Don't let price be a reason to not have a conversation with me. I am not a pushy person. As you can tell, I'm an enthusiastic person. I am a passionate person. I believe deeply in each of you, and I bring that to everything I do. And I'm not pushy.
Okay. There is a version of you 90 days from now. I feel like this is sort of the fork in the road moment for a lot of people. I had my fork in the road where I was like, I can keep doing what I've been doing and I know where that road leads me. It led me to being unfocused at work. It led me to being a really bad friend because I'd be sitting with my friends, but the only thing on my mind was my ex. It led me to a lot of drinking. It led me to a lot of late nights. It led me to a lot of nights crying in my car on the way home from those late nights.
I knew where that path went. The thing about that path is it's familiar. Whatever your version of that is, that was my version. I'm not saying that's everybody's version. That's what it was for me. That path is familiar. You know where it goes, you know what's on that path. That is always an option to you. You have a new path now, and it's actually truly you have two new paths because I gave you a path from what we discussed over these three days. You work that pyramid. You figure out who am I becoming? Who do I want to be at the end of this? Who is this version of me that's over my ex?
You figure that out and you work backwards. You can do that on your own. Absolutely. I did. I didn't. That's a lie. I didn't. I actually hired a lot of help. I hired a lot of help that wasn't necessarily breakup coaching. I took it and I made my own program. Regardless, you can take it and do it on your own. Or you can decide I want to do this with support. I want to do this with somebody who's been there before. That's the third path. The fastest way to get anywhere is to go with somebody who knows where they're going.
It's interesting. I think a lot about, I do a lot of research on progress and change and what does it take to actually change? And there's so many analogies to physical things. What I mean by using your body in very physical ways. So what I find so much is that we look at people who train to hike Mount Everest, and it's considered one of the greatest feats that a person can do with their body because of the elevation. But they always hire a guide. Well, the people who succeed, the people who tell you the tails, hire a local guide to take them.
Because that local guide can tell you when you need to rest, what you need to bring and what you need to pack. They know where all the pitfalls are. They don't want you falling off the side of the cliff. It's their responsibility to get you to the top safely. There's really wonderful things that can happen with support. Sarah asked how long is the group? It is eight weeks. So once a week for eight weeks, there will be a 90-minute coaching call where you can volunteer for a hot seat where you can get coached directly by me with the support of the other women watching.
If you don't get coached, you also get the opportunity to learn as other people get coached. I find when I'm a participant, when I'm a coachee, I love watching other people get coached because I integrate a lot for myself learning from other people. So anyway, it's eight weeks, 90 minutes each week, live calls. You'll also get the recordings so that you can re-watch them back. And there will also be a private WhatsApp group so that we keep in touch so that we build friendships, we build communities, we get the support from one another. Okay. I saved time for lots of questions. You're welcome.
I'm sorry, I'm finding my notes again. All right. Here's what we did over three days. For these three days. Oh, that's a great question, Sarah. Sign up for a consultation call with me and then I'll get you signed up together. We'll do it together on the phone. So here's the calendar again. So if you are interested in signing up, if you already know that you're a yes book, the call will still talk. I like to know people. I like to know the people I work with. Yeah, get that time with me and we'll get you signed up. So here's what we covered.
The goal that we started with is I want to find out how do I move on from my ex? How do I get over my ex? Day one, we started to let things go. We started to create some space because you can't bring new stuff in if you've got a crowded room. So we got to clear out some space. Then we started to learn how do I make decisions? How do I start to get into action? You want to get in the right action. How do I make decisions so that I start making choices towards who I want to be becoming? And today we talked about identity because pain pushes until vision pulls you. I want to get you that place where vision's pulling you because I'm telling you it's a smoother ride, which is why I spent today talking about who do you want to become?
What does that look like? What are you not tolerating? All of that feeds into who you're becoming.
Because it's not about them. It's about you. And the faster we shift you into prioritizing yourself, into putting yourself into the center of your own life, the easier it is to let go. Because you got to have a reason why you're letting go. You got to have something that you're moving towards. Okay. I saved plenty of time for questions. You can drop your questions in the chat. I also have questions I get often. So while you're typing, some of the questions I hear from time to time. Sometimes people tell me, "But I should be able to get over this on my own. Shouldn't I be able to do this on my own?" And I always ask, where did the should come from? Where did you get the idea that you should be able to?
Because anytime I hear somebody using the word should, anytime I'm using the word should on myself or anytime somebody's using it on themselves, I get really curious. Because oftentimes a should is attached to some shame. Yeah, most likely from upbringing. Most likely. Stuff that we picked up when we were young and we weren't quite sure how to make decisions for ourselves yet. So shame, shame is such an interesting, it's an interesting beast because at the core of shame is a deep, deep, deep need for love and belonging. The stuff that we feel shame around are the pieces that we feel like are unlovable. And the deepest desire is that it wants to be loved. And so the perfect bind of shouldn't I be able to get over this by myself is a drive to isolate because you're afraid to be seen in the brokenness, in the mess.
So we don't get gold stars. There's no award for getting through life by yourself. There's no accolade for that. If you want support, if you need support, if you know that you're somebody who does better when you have support or a container, amazing. What great information to have about yourself. And that help is available to you. So take what you need. You're welcome, Michelle. Asks, "What are actions or advice on how to pick up who I want to be or who I'm going to become? I feel like it's easier to say than actually change and having the time and money to travel and have fun. I just don't know who to become without my person. I don't want to be lost anymore. I love that.
I love that. I don't want to be lost anymore." That's actually a really good place to start. So here's the interesting thing. This is a great question too because I get this. I don't know who to be without my person. The hidden assumption behind that is that they made you. That's often what we're saying when we say, "I don't know who to be without them." That puts that person in the power position in your life of they made me who I am, or they made the best version of me. It's actually not true. People, relationships are mirrors. They are reflecting back to you what is in you already.
They are bringing parts out of you. Every person brings out pieces of you, parts of you. But they are parts that are already inside you. They didn't create them. What you could do, what is often a really good clue, is we're attracted to people for two. There are two possible reasons. There are plenty of reasons, but two that apply here. One of those is who you got to be around that person. So what version of you got to come out in that relationship? Another thing that we're often attracted to is we see something in someone else that we want for ourself.
So I had an ex who was so funny. He was so playful and so funny. So he brought out my playful side. I can be a very serious person. I'm much more playful now. I'm more playful than I used to be. But he really brought that out in me. And that was one of the pieces that I was like, "Oh, I like that I got to be playful with him, so I'm going to put some time into figuring out my playful side." And then one of the things that is kind of consistent in almost all the people I date is they're passionate about something. And I am so attracted to passion because I'm also a very passionate person, but it's something I like a lot of. And so that was something I would see in a person. I'd be like, "Yes." Sometimes you can take looking at that other person and start looking at it as if that's truly just a mirror.
They are just reflecting back to me what is within me.
What is it? And start there. That's enough. I mean, I could have said I don't want to be lost anymore is enough to get you started. Because if you don't want to be lost anymore, then what is it that you do want? I want to be on a path. I want to know where I am. Right? You can take that and you can find the sentence on the other side of it and use that as a place to start. That's actually enough. Sarah says, going back to my ex was like taking the recipe that was hurtful the first time to get hurt way more the second time. Hindsight is twenty twenty. People usually don't change without the work. I trusted him after I worked hard to heal, to be back in support. The boundaries are always needed. Yeah.
Yeah, beautiful. Any other questions? Another one I get sometimes is I'm kind of hoping I get my person back. And I can understand that because that was one of my patterns of I would try to get my ex back. It's kind of funny because I tell people the best thing you can do in that situation is learn how to prioritize yourself. Because the right person, whether it's that person or somebody else, is going to be attracted to you. They're not going to be attracted to the person thinking they need their ex back in order to be happy.
It's not an attractive state of being because it's a place of I need, I'm not whole on my own. Fill in the gaps. That's probably going to attract an unhealthy dynamic in the first place. So the very best thing you can do is learn how to prioritize yourself, learn how to put yourself at the center of your own conversations and get really clear on what is it that I want? What is it that I need in relationship? And I've had three clients in the last year get back with their ex. So it happens. They're not trying.
They definitely were not trying, but it did. It came back. So I have no attachment to what happens to you for the result. I want you to be happy. I want you to feel like your best self. That's my goal as a coach. But I don't have attachment to if you go back to your ex or not. That's for you to decide what's right for your life. But again, make decisions from your place of power, not because I think I need them in order to feel whole. Jasmine says, "Do you have any other workshops similar to this I'll meetup?" So I will have some more workshops popping up. I'm going to put them out tomorrow. So they're just not announced yet. So in the meetup, I do a support circle every other Tuesday. So it's not this Tuesday, it's the next Tuesday. And that's just everybody gets to share their story and hear from each other.
And then I teach workshops and once a month I do a drop-in coaching, which I have to update that as well. Strong says, "How much of this is understanding that life is happening for us and not to us? Maybe this was just the path created for us and trying to take responsibility for a path and things that were already made for us and are just was to block the path and that includes relationships." I mean, I think I understand your question. I think you're asking is everything that I'm teaching, is it just shifting us to this is happening for me and not to me? And.
Yes. And I struggle with that so much in a breakup context because like I said, I used to use myself and I see a lot of women do this. I don't see it as often with men, but I'm sure men do it too. So I'm not saying men are excluded from this. I see it less frequently. I used self-help and stuff like this is happening to me. This is happening for me, not to me. I actually use it to beat myself up and make myself feel worse. And I skipped all the pain and the struggle, not struggle, I skipped the grief. So I would use it as a shortcut to toxic positivity is what I'm saying. And so I used it as a way to be like, "Well, this is my spiritual path and I use it to actually escape the grief work that is really, really valuable.
So I say use what works for you, but don't use it as a way to avoid feeling necessary feelings." I haven't found the way that I like to say this better yet. I think a lot of these quotes get used against us sometimes, and I haven't quite massaged. How do I use this in a way that feels like it's really, really useful?
The core of it I think is right, of I'm going to take responsibility for my life. I'm not going to be the victim in my life and say, "This happened to me, poor me," because then you're not the active participant. If you are the active participant in your life and saying, "Okay, this happened. How do I want to move through this? How do I want to handle this? How do I want to have my own back through this? That's where I think it's interesting and helpful." Does that answer what your question was? Okay, cool. Okay.
Oh, good. Okay. I am so appreciative for all of you that spent time with me this weekend. I know weekends, you could do anything you want, and you spent this time dedicated to yourself. You've gave yourself time and space to think about yourself. What do I want? How do I want to move forward? How do I want to feel better? How do I want to take care of myself? That's not nothing. Please acknowledge yourself and celebrate yourself for showing up for yourself this weekend. If it feels good to you that you want to have a conversation with me to see what it would be like to work with me in deeper support, I would love to have that conversation. You can tell me no at the end of it. Like I said, it's not a hard sell. I want to help you find the right fit for you, whether it's me, somebody else following your own path.
I just love having these conversations. I love getting to help people and help people find what their path is.
And I love getting to connect with people. So please feel free to take advantage of that. I'm happy to talk about my group program for women that starts on September 2nd, that'll go for eight weeks. Or if you're looking for a private deep dive, happy to have that conversation as well. Typically, I work with people for 12 weeks privately because we see a huge change. So I would love to have that conversation with any of you. Before we close the day, one final check-in if there are any other questions. Okay. Amazing. Thank you all so much for being here. If you're typing and I'm closing, just raise your electronic hand and I will pause and I'll slow down. Oh, thank you so much for being here, Sarah. Thank you all so, so, so much for being here. I greatly appreciate getting to spend time with each of you.
This has been really wonderful to teach and to have you here, have you participating, and have you so active all along the way. I've really appreciated this. So thank you all so much. I appreciate you. Take good care.