Can you deeply love someone and still not be right for each other? In this episode, Sarah explores the painful truth that love and compatibility are not the same thing, sharing her own breakup story to explain why even healthy, loving relationships can come to an end. She unpacks why grief isn't proof you lost "the one," how self-abandonment quietly erodes relationships, and why learning to feel your pain instead of avoiding it is the foundation of rebuilding self-trust. If you're struggling to let go because there was no villain or dramatic betrayal, this episode will help you find peace, honor the relationship for what it was, and move forward without losing yourself.
Get your free Breakup Care Kit here: https://sarah-curnoles-coaching.ck.page/care
00:00:02.950 --> 00:00:05.100
Sarah Curnoles: Today I want to talk about.
2
00:00:05.880 --> 00:00:08.029
Sarah Curnoles: Something that was really hard.
3
00:00:08.130 --> 00:00:13.229
Sarah Curnoles: To learn through my breakup with my ex and.
4
00:00:13.430 --> 00:00:17.300
Sarah Curnoles: I didn't realize it right away, but it took me a little while.
5
00:00:18.400 --> 00:00:22.990
Sarah Curnoles: And I realized that sometimes love isn't enough.
6
00:00:24.380 --> 00:00:29.060
Sarah Curnoles: And it's so painful because after a breakup.
7
00:00:30.080 --> 00:00:32.739
Sarah Curnoles: You're kind of sitting in it and
8
00:00:33.200 --> 00:00:42.839
Sarah Curnoles: You're thinking nobody cheated. Nobody was abusive. Nobody was the villain. I don't have anybody to point the finger at and.
9
00:00:43.470 --> 00:00:47.789
Sarah Curnoles: I guess that means I just have to sit in this pain.
10
00:00:48.400 --> 00:00:54.689
Sarah Curnoles: I loved the other person, he loved me, and the relationship still ended.
11
00:00:56.040 --> 00:01:06.750
Sarah Curnoles: And it led me to this really powerful truth that I want to share with you today in this episode. And I think it's one of the hardest truths you can ever learn.
12
00:01:07.190 --> 00:01:11.499
Sarah Curnoles: Love and compatibility are not the same thing.
13
00:01:12.200 --> 00:01:17.729
Sarah Curnoles: If you can relate, this episode is for you, my friends. If you are trying to…
14
00:01:17.950 --> 00:01:25.720
Sarah Curnoles: find somebody to blame in your breakup. If you're trying to overthink and under-feel, Because…
15
00:01:26.580 --> 00:01:38.430
Sarah Curnoles: that feels really hard, and it feels like it would just be so much easier if I could point my finger at the other person, or if they were dead. I know, I know that sounds harsh, and I hear that a lot, of like, I just…
16
00:01:38.530 --> 00:01:51.799
Sarah Curnoles: I almost wish they had died. It would make this easier, right? This episode is for you. So many people get stuck because they're thinking, if we loved each other so much, why didn't it work?
17
00:01:51.900 --> 00:01:56.309
Sarah Curnoles: And they're trying to solve this puzzle, but it doesn't have a villain.
18
00:01:57.500 --> 00:02:05.900
Sarah Curnoles: Because love doesn't necessarily mean that the relationship is going to look. They're waiting for this big dramatic reason.
19
00:02:06.790 --> 00:02:08.560
Sarah Curnoles: so that they can let go.
20
00:02:10.100 --> 00:02:12.290
Sarah Curnoles: But the reason isn't what you think.
21
00:02:12.640 --> 00:02:23.349
Sarah Curnoles: So if you've been struggling to move on because the relationship wasn't toxic to justify the. It wasn't toxic enough to justify the ending, this episode's for you.
22
00:02:23.970 --> 00:02:24.800
Sarah Curnoles: So, you know.
23
00:02:24.980 --> 00:02:34.979
Sarah Curnoles: there's some certain… there are some pieces that are required in a healthy relationship. A healthy relationship requires compatibility.
24
00:02:35.250 --> 00:02:39.729
Sarah Curnoles: Communication and trust. Emotional safety.
25
00:02:40.300 --> 00:02:42.630
Sarah Curnoles: Shared values.
26
00:02:43.100 --> 00:02:44.819
Sarah Curnoles: And mutual growth.
27
00:02:45.340 --> 00:02:50.979
Sarah Curnoles: And love, by itself, cannot carry all of that.
28
00:02:52.430 --> 00:02:59.929
Sarah Curnoles: So, you know, I want to share an example with you that, it's really personal.
29
00:03:00.510 --> 00:03:09.480
Sarah Curnoles: My… My ex and I were incredibly loving towards each other. Love was definitely not the problem.
30
00:03:09.760 --> 00:03:18.169
Sarah Curnoles: So much so that when we broke up, everybody in our life was really confused because they saw how much we loved each other.
31
00:03:19.770 --> 00:03:22.859
Sarah Curnoles: But what happened was a breakdown.
32
00:03:23.290 --> 00:03:25.600
Sarah Curnoles: of those requirements.
33
00:03:26.190 --> 00:03:31.310
Sarah Curnoles: We actually weren't compatible. We had different views of what we wanted in life.
34
00:03:32.270 --> 00:03:38.290
Sarah Curnoles: We also had really different approaches and tolerances for growth.
35
00:03:40.580 --> 00:03:43.350
Sarah Curnoles: A lot of our values didn't even overlap.
36
00:03:44.180 --> 00:03:53.550
Sarah Curnoles: And the funny thing was we had very complimentary wounds when it comes to love and relationships.
37
00:03:53.550 --> 00:04:04.489
Sarah Curnoles: So, it was kind of like my insecurities would poke at all of his wounds, and his would poke at all of mine, and it was almost as if we were just
38
00:04:04.910 --> 00:04:18.200
Sarah Curnoles: like, mildly re-injuring each other every time there was an insecurity. It wasn't like we brought out the worst in each other, that wasn't the case at all, but we definitely didn't bring out the best, and we never…
39
00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:31.690
Sarah Curnoles: felt fully emotionally safe in the relationship, and we've had that conversation. I feel like it's safe to say that we both felt like we were walking around eggshells, not because the other person required that.
40
00:04:32.060 --> 00:04:40.240
Sarah Curnoles: or because it was even justified, but that's just how we were walking around in that relationship. Like, we could never fully…
41
00:04:40.620 --> 00:04:41.600
Sarah Curnoles: Settle.
42
00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:46.170
Sarah Curnoles: We had to keep walking on tiptoes on those eggshells.
43
00:04:48.310 --> 00:04:59.479
Sarah Curnoles: Two people can be wonderful people. They can love each other, and they can be wrong for each other. This is incredibly hard to reckon with.
44
00:04:59.550 --> 00:05:17.170
Sarah Curnoles: Because it feels so much easier to have a finger to point, someone to blame. It feels like if I have a reason to look at why this ended, then I can justify this pain and I can make sense of it. And if I can make sense of it, I don't have to feel it.
45
00:05:18.030 --> 00:05:22.430
Sarah Curnoles: But unfortunately, that's not how feelings work.
46
00:05:24.250 --> 00:05:29.159
Sarah Curnoles: Sometimes there is just deep emotional pain.
47
00:05:30.160 --> 00:05:32.600
Sarah Curnoles: Because you love each other.
48
00:05:32.760 --> 00:05:40.030
Sarah Curnoles: And it's not going to hold the relationship together. And what you're feeling is a lot of pain because there's loss.
49
00:05:41.150 --> 00:05:42.980
Sarah Curnoles: And that's okay.
50
00:05:46.120 --> 00:05:53.099
Sarah Curnoles: So, you know, I think… There is a big misunderstanding.
51
00:05:53.450 --> 00:05:55.110
Sarah Curnoles: That happens.
52
00:05:55.580 --> 00:06:05.780
Sarah Curnoles: sometimes it's in the relationship, and sometimes it's happening… I see it happening a lot in the personal growth world of this narrative of, like, you just have to love yourself more.
53
00:06:06.230 --> 00:06:08.980
Sarah Curnoles: But what really happens
54
00:06:09.060 --> 00:06:25.929
Sarah Curnoles: When you're in the relationship, you might be loving yourself, but also trying to make yourself smaller or easier to love or more agreeable. It's not necessarily always a problem like you don't love yourself enough.
55
00:06:25.990 --> 00:06:33.079
Sarah Curnoles: or you're not fully seeing your value or your worth, I don't always necessarily think that's the case, because
56
00:06:33.150 --> 00:06:48.559
Sarah Curnoles: I had been working on my self-worth a long time, and it wasn't like I didn't have any self-worth. It was just, I loved this person and our relationship so much, I was willing to sacrifice myself
57
00:06:49.260 --> 00:06:58.450
Sarah Curnoles: to keep the relationship. I was willing to keep making myself smaller because it seemed like it would be easier, and if I could be more agreeable and I could just go along with it.
58
00:06:58.930 --> 00:07:03.609
Sarah Curnoles: Then this would all work out and and he loved me so.
59
00:07:04.390 --> 00:07:06.080
Sarah Curnoles: What's the problem here?
60
00:07:06.570 --> 00:07:10.409
Sarah Curnoles: But what the problem actually was is that I kept losing myself.
61
00:07:10.770 --> 00:07:13.269
Sarah Curnoles: I was compromising.
62
00:07:13.570 --> 00:07:16.979
Sarah Curnoles: And I should say I was over compromising.
63
00:07:18.090 --> 00:07:20.389
Sarah Curnoles: To the point of self-abandonment.
64
00:07:21.770 --> 00:07:27.109
Sarah Curnoles: And the cost of belonging in a relationship should never be self.
65
00:07:27.990 --> 00:07:34.639
Sarah Curnoles: The cost of being in a relationship should never be self-abandonment. That's never a price you should have to pay.
66
00:07:36.300 --> 00:07:41.530
Sarah Curnoles: You don't have to disappear in order to keep the right relationship.
67
00:07:41.820 --> 00:07:46.119
Sarah Curnoles: the right relationship wants you to be more.
68
00:07:47.880 --> 00:07:56.500
Sarah Curnoles: It says, I see you, and I want more of you. I want you to keep going, keep growing, to love more, to be more.
69
00:07:59.300 --> 00:08:03.140
Sarah Curnoles: And, it's an amplification.
70
00:08:05.310 --> 00:08:06.470
Sarah Curnoles: So…
71
00:08:06.990 --> 00:08:23.140
Sarah Curnoles: If… if it feels like you are having to play small, if it feels like you are having to dim yourself, if you're having to over-negotiate or over-excuse some other person's behavior, you're compromising your safety, you're compromising your shine.
72
00:08:23.180 --> 00:08:29.250
Sarah Curnoles: Right, that, that thing about you, that vitality that makes you feel like yourself.
73
00:08:29.640 --> 00:08:31.840
Sarah Curnoles: You're compromising too much.
74
00:08:32.590 --> 00:08:35.309
Sarah Curnoles: And that's not necessarily toxic.
75
00:08:36.130 --> 00:08:42.949
Sarah Curnoles: But it's not helping you to keep doing that, and that's not the sign of a compatible long-term relationship.
76
00:08:46.490 --> 00:08:53.000
Sarah Curnoles: And when you're having pain, when it's this kind of a breakup that you're going through, and you're experiencing pain.
77
00:08:53.210 --> 00:08:59.389
Sarah Curnoles: Pain is not a sign that You've lost the one.
78
00:08:59.870 --> 00:09:19.590
Sarah Curnoles: Pain in this situation is not a sign that you should get back with them, because then you won't feel the pain. That's actually what I thought for a long time. That's the reason why we kept breaking up and getting back together when I initiated it, was because I thought if I kept hurting that long after the breakup, if I was still thinking about them all the time.
79
00:09:19.610 --> 00:09:26.919
Sarah Curnoles: and missing him, and feeling so much pain, that must mean he's the one. That must mean…
80
00:09:27.030 --> 00:09:31.550
Sarah Curnoles: We're supposed to be together. That's not what the pain means.
81
00:09:31.860 --> 00:09:37.079
Sarah Curnoles: The pain just means you are grieving the end of something that you cared about.
82
00:09:41.100 --> 00:09:43.820
Sarah Curnoles: And I want you to reorient.
83
00:09:45.020 --> 00:09:47.719
Sarah Curnoles: your relationship to your pain.
84
00:09:48.760 --> 00:09:53.750
Sarah Curnoles: Because so many people avoid the pain, right? We're looking to understand it so that we don't have to feel it.
85
00:09:54.260 --> 00:09:57.520
Sarah Curnoles: What if you are strong enough to feel your pain?
86
00:09:59.470 --> 00:10:06.579
Sarah Curnoles: What if… Feeling your way through your pain is the best way of honoring.
87
00:10:06.840 --> 00:10:08.220
Sarah Curnoles: the ending, right?
88
00:10:08.710 --> 00:10:10.860
Sarah Curnoles: of a lovely relationship.
89
00:10:12.150 --> 00:10:16.510
Sarah Curnoles: Our culture doesn't have a lot of rituals around endings.
90
00:10:17.020 --> 00:10:33.900
Sarah Curnoles: We sure we have funerals when somebody passes on, but I actually think there are so many more beautiful rituals in other cultures that honor when a life ends. And I think we need to create more rituals when a relationship ends.
91
00:10:34.130 --> 00:10:41.410
Sarah Curnoles: Because right now, there's, like, maybe the seeking a closure conversation and, like, giving back stuff.
92
00:10:41.750 --> 00:10:46.489
Sarah Curnoles: But what would it look like to truly honor an ending?
93
00:10:47.860 --> 00:10:49.080
Sarah Curnoles: For you.
94
00:10:49.980 --> 00:11:01.719
Sarah Curnoles: That gives space for you to feel your pain and honors it as something that matters. The pain is showing up because it's a loss of something that mattered to you.
95
00:11:05.340 --> 00:11:16.839
Sarah Curnoles: What could that ritual look like for you? And maybe this is something I've done and I've given as an assignment to my clients, creating a funeral for your relationship.
96
00:11:17.170 --> 00:11:22.810
Sarah Curnoles: Writing a eulogy for it, of truly honoring everything it gave you.
97
00:11:23.380 --> 00:11:30.139
Sarah Curnoles: All the lessons that you've learned, the things that you loved and enjoyed and that you want to keep as warm memories for yourself.
98
00:11:30.850 --> 00:11:40.639
Sarah Curnoles: But there's also a lot that you're like, you know, I'm… I'm glad this chapter's closing. I bet you have a list of those things, too. And here are the things I'm not gonna miss about this.
99
00:11:46.110 --> 00:11:59.109
Sarah Curnoles: Because what's really important here, and something that I want you to start shifting towards, is that it's not… it's not weak to feel the pain, it's not weak
100
00:11:59.440 --> 00:12:03.600
Sarah Curnoles: to honor it. It's not… Week.
101
00:12:04.310 --> 00:12:14.249
Sarah Curnoles: It's not even weak to feel like I can't feel it, I don't want to feel it, I want to escape it. That's actually, that's not weakness, it's honesty.
102
00:12:17.500 --> 00:12:24.049
Sarah Curnoles: It's being truly honest of, like, man, this pain hurts a lot, I'm tired of it, I want it to be over.
103
00:12:26.790 --> 00:12:28.769
Sarah Curnoles: And the way to move through that.
104
00:12:29.880 --> 00:12:40.689
Sarah Curnoles: the only way is to go through it. There's that old… it's reminding me of that old childhood song, it's like, you can't go over it, you can't go under it, you can't go around it, you gotta go through it.
105
00:12:40.850 --> 00:12:43.330
Sarah Curnoles: Right? We have to go through it.
106
00:12:43.930 --> 00:12:44.710
Sarah Curnoles: And I…
107
00:12:45.540 --> 00:12:54.879
Sarah Curnoles: This is actually really key in building something important that you need through this breakup and for the rest of your life.
108
00:12:56.680 --> 00:13:09.589
Sarah Curnoles: This when you when you tell yourself, maybe I don't like the pain, I don't want to feel it, but I'm willing to go through it. I can feel I can do this. I don't like it, but I can do it. I can do hard things. You are building self trust.
109
00:13:10.070 --> 00:13:13.230
Sarah Curnoles: You are becoming the person who goes through that thing.
110
00:13:13.330 --> 00:13:18.469
Sarah Curnoles: And you learn how to trust yourself when pain happens and when you lose something that matters.
111
00:13:20.900 --> 00:13:36.209
Sarah Curnoles: And every time I feel like… every time my clients show up for themselves, and they do something that's a little bit hard and uncomfortable, it's like casting a vote of, I want to be the person who goes through this, not the person who avoids it.
112
00:13:36.370 --> 00:13:50.270
Sarah Curnoles: And I want to be the person who shows up for myself and says, I have my own back when it's hard, not the person who self-abandons and says, I'm going to contort myself to stay small in order to avoid this painful thing.
113
00:13:52.800 --> 00:13:55.369
Sarah Curnoles: Because really, at the end of the day.
114
00:13:56.080 --> 00:14:01.250
Sarah Curnoles: This isn't… a story of… The person who left.
115
00:14:02.740 --> 00:14:19.549
Sarah Curnoles: What this really is, is it's a moment for you to ask yourself, will I show up for me? Will I stay with myself? Will I learn how to stay with myself no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the feeling is? Will I stay with myself through it?
116
00:14:22.670 --> 00:14:26.429
Sarah Curnoles: That's what what it looks like to be building self-trust.
117
00:14:27.300 --> 00:14:32.710
Sarah Curnoles: And to me, self-trust means that you are learning how to honor your needs.
118
00:14:34.710 --> 00:14:37.149
Sarah Curnoles: You do what you say you're gonna do.
119
00:14:38.640 --> 00:14:43.299
Sarah Curnoles: You show up for yourself when times are good, hard, bad.
120
00:14:43.550 --> 00:14:44.800
Sarah Curnoles: In between.
121
00:14:46.590 --> 00:14:49.650
Sarah Curnoles: Self-trust is… Speaking.
122
00:14:49.950 --> 00:14:52.210
Sarah Curnoles: What's on your mind when it's true?
123
00:14:53.460 --> 00:14:55.650
Sarah Curnoles: It's being fully yourself.
124
00:14:57.910 --> 00:15:01.529
Sarah Curnoles: And it's saying, I've got my own back.
125
00:15:04.480 --> 00:15:11.239
Sarah Curnoles: Because… Because, honestly, And I don't know if I've said this here before
126
00:15:12.600 --> 00:15:17.430
Sarah Curnoles: Because honestly, when I, when I went down to the deepest part of my heart.
127
00:15:18.330 --> 00:15:34.999
Sarah Curnoles: It took a little time for me to realize this. I knew that he was right when he ended the relationship. He just had the courage to do something I couldn't. I didn't have the courage or the strength at the time to do that really hard thing of saying.
128
00:15:35.700 --> 00:15:40.209
Sarah Curnoles: I love you, but this isn't a lifetime relationship right here.
129
00:15:45.380 --> 00:15:48.519
Sarah Curnoles: Because and and I truly believe.
130
00:15:49.110 --> 00:15:52.309
Sarah Curnoles: Him saying it was the most loving thing.
131
00:15:53.370 --> 00:15:55.180
Sarah Curnoles: because it was true.
132
00:15:56.100 --> 00:16:00.979
Sarah Curnoles: And the most loving thing to do sometimes is to let the relationship end.
133
00:16:01.850 --> 00:16:08.289
Sarah Curnoles: Not because the love wasn't real, or that the promises we made each other weren't real, because they were at the time.
134
00:16:09.330 --> 00:16:11.689
Sarah Curnoles: And the love was very real.
135
00:16:13.330 --> 00:16:19.210
Sarah Curnoles: But the relationship, the cost of staying in that relationship was too high.
136
00:16:19.790 --> 00:16:27.440
Sarah Curnoles: We each had to sacrifice too much of ourself. We were causing each other these little micro paper cut
137
00:16:27.570 --> 00:16:30.759
Sarah Curnoles: Pains over and over and over and over again.
138
00:16:32.990 --> 00:16:38.100
Sarah Curnoles: Because nobody goes into a relationship saying, like, I want to lose myself in this relationship.
139
00:16:39.240 --> 00:16:46.229
Sarah Curnoles: You want a relationship where you get to be yourself and more, and you also are bringing that out in the other person.
140
00:16:48.570 --> 00:16:49.740
Sarah Curnoles: And yes.
141
00:16:50.490 --> 00:16:55.300
Sarah Curnoles: Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship together, and that's okay.
142
00:16:58.640 --> 00:17:00.890
Sarah Curnoles: and it could be very brave.
143
00:17:01.120 --> 00:17:02.870
Sarah Curnoles: to honor the pain.
144
00:17:04.170 --> 00:17:09.540
Sarah Curnoles: Of losing that relationship, even when you know it wasn't a forever relationship.
145
00:17:13.990 --> 00:17:20.899
Sarah Curnoles: if this really resonated for you, I want to offer… I have a free, breakup care kit.
146
00:17:21.030 --> 00:17:26.609
Sarah Curnoles: I developed this kit, and it's everything that you need after a breakup, because
147
00:17:26.670 --> 00:17:43.560
Sarah Curnoles: I felt like I had to cobble one together for myself of listening to a soothing audio, and I had an app for that, and I had this other place to go for comfort food, and I had this other place to go for journal prompts so that I could
148
00:17:43.610 --> 00:17:53.649
Sarah Curnoles: work through my thoughts. Well, I put that all together. I created one place of affirmations, of a soothing breakup audio for you, of
149
00:17:53.650 --> 00:18:03.829
Sarah Curnoles: comfort food recipes that you can either hand over to somebody and be like, please make me these chocolate chip cookies, or you could make them for yourself if you wanted to treat yourself, if you enjoy cooking.
150
00:18:04.660 --> 00:18:21.439
Sarah Curnoles: And also some really useful journal prompts to guide you through the process. This is my gift to you. I don't want you to have to think about it. I want you to just be able to open up the file and to be able to do it. I wanted to make it super easy. You can get that for free.
151
00:18:21.440 --> 00:18:26.309
Sarah Curnoles: By clicking on the link in my bio, and that's just my gift to you.
152
00:18:26.310 --> 00:18:33.229
Sarah Curnoles: Alright, my friends, that's all we've got for this week. I hope you take very good care of yourselves and each other.