If your breakup has you feeling distracted, desperate, or downright unhinged, this episode explains why. I break down the science behind heartbreak — from dopamine withdrawal to cortisol spikes — and show you why your brain is reacting like it’s in physical danger (because biologically, it thinks it is). Drawing on research from University of Michigan, Columbia University, and love researcher Helen Fisher at Stony Brook University, I explain how romantic love activates the brain’s reward system — and why a breakup can feel like withdrawal. But this isn’t just about surviving the pain. It’s about reclaiming your nervous system, rewiring your narrative, and creating a life that’s bigger than chasing a relationship. Your brain isn’t broken — it’s responding exactly as it was designed to. Now you get to decide how you want to rewire it.
When you go through a breakup, it actually lights up the same region in your brain as when you're experiencing physical pain.
This episode will help you to reclaim your brain and your life after your breakup. Learn from scientific research and observed patterns and what to do to finally feel free again.
If you're ready to take this to the next level, join my free masterclass From Hot Mess to Badass to learn my step by step system to help you to heal and feel like your most badass self again: www.sarahcurnoles.com/masterclass
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low, lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk through you. I'm Sarah Kernows, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk to heal your heart, let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go. Hello, my
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Friends. Welcome to another episode of Breakup Pep Talks. I am Sarah Kronos and I want you to think of me as your breakup bestie because what we're going to be doing today, not only am I going to go into the science behind why your brain gets hijacked during a breakup, but I also want to talk about not just taking your brain back, but we are going to unfuck your brain. All right? There are a number of contributing factors to why your brain feels crazy right now. And those are everything from science, which we're going to get into today. But there's also societal and cultural reasons why this feels so terrible right now, why you feel like you can't focus, you can't get anything done, you can't pay attention at work or in a conversation with your friends and why this is really costing you and how it's impacting you.
(01:43)
We're going to get into all of that and then I'm going to give you some very practical, actionable things that you can take away from this that you can do to start reclaiming your brain and getting your life back in the direction that you want it to go. All right. Shall we jump in? Shall we do it? All right, let's do it. I'm going to first start with the science of what's going on here and why maybe you feel a little crazy right now. So what is happening when you go through a breakup? It's a number of factors. So there is research out there that says when you go through a breakup, it actually lights up the same region in your brain as when you're experiencing physical pain. And this is research from the University of Michigan and Columbia University. So what they found is that this is perceived as social rejection and therefore this links all the way back to our tribal ancestors, way, way, way, way, way back.
(02:56)
If you were rejected socially, then there was a threat that you might die. And the whole reason why we as human beings experience physical pain, the actual reason is to prompt you to create a change. So why is this important? Why does emotional pain lighting up the same part of your brain as physical pain? Why does that matter right now? Because everything in you is trying to drive you to get back into the good graces of a social acceptance. This pain is meant to get you back into being accepted, into being part of the tribe, right? It's feeling now that distance from it. So we're not solving this just yet, but we're just bringing this to awareness of this physical pain. Excuse me. This physical pain is trying to get you to change that, right? Oh no, I'm rejected. I better do something. Okay? So I want you to know if you are having like an ache in your chest, if you're feeling literal heartbreak, that is a real sensation.
(04:11)
You can have physical pain in addition to emotional pain. All right. I got more science. I have so much science for you today.
(04:22)
All right. So the researcher, Helen Fisher, did FMRI studies with Stony Brook University about romantic love. And what she found was it activates your dopamine reward centers. Okay? So when you are in love, you get hits of dopamine. Now, when the relationship ends, your dopamine drops. So your cravings are going to spike. So those cravings of, I want to contact my ex are normal because you've had this drop in the dopamine, your pleasure in your brain. You may also reach out to other sources for pleasure because it's like you're having these cravings. You might obsess, you might want to contact, but you might also, that's why Ben & Jerry's is such a cliche after a breakup. You get a hit of dopamine from sugar, from dairy, okay? Maybe you reach for weed or you start drinking more wine or you try to go to the gym more.
(05:37)
All of these ways that you try to spike your dopamine again. Okay? There literally can be a withdrawal period of time after a breakup, because that's what happens when your dopamine drops, you go through withdrawal. Okay? So notice, are you having these cravings either to talk to your ex again? And it feels almost like uncontrollable or are you feeling like you're going through a detox, right? We hear about maybe somebody who detoxed from drugs and they might feel shaky. They might feel nauseous, right? They're having all these physical symptoms because their body is all out of whack. If you are experiencing this from your breakup, you are not crazy. You are going through a physical reaction to what has happened to you emotionally. Okay? There is also proof that your breakup will increase your cortisol in your body, which is what happens after stress. So your stress hormones are flooding your system right now after your breakup.
(06:47)
And the part of your brain responsible for threat detection, your amygdala, becomes more reactive. It is hypersensitive right now. So you might feel like hypervigilant scanning the area of, am I okay because that part of your brain is more active right now. And I was always taught that when we are emotional, we are less rational. So your prefrontal cortex of your brain, which is responsible for logic and regulation is less active right now, which means when you are overthinking and it feels like you can't get a conclusion or you can't get an answer, it's because that part of your brain that would be responsible for logic is less active. And so the overthinking can also be a function of threat detection. You might feel like you're panicking a lot. You might feel like you're spiraling or you say that you're not going to text your ex, but you do it anyway.
(07:52)
That's how that can show up of your logic is not on board when you are in periods of high stress.
(08:05)
And then I want to talk also a little bit about attachment, not attachment theory per se, but just attachment as a whole. Attachment, going back to that concept of if you were socially rejected, there was like threat of death. So attachment meant survival. And so when we lose attachment, that's when our bodies will send a danger signal. Your body doesn't know that it's 2026 and you're safe because you have a job, you have family and friends who love you. You're able to have food delivered from Uber Eats and you have a healthy social life outside of your relationship and you have all these logical things that you're like, "Yeah, I'm totally fine." Your body doesn't know that and it reacts the way that it used to of this is a period of distress. This is a bad thing. We might die. That's why your body feels like it's reacting in a very, very big way.
(09:09)
Here's something I also want to talk about. This isn't science. This is just from my observation of working with so many people after a breakup. When we look back at the media that we've had for the last 30 years, right? So I'm an 80s baby. If you look back at the stories that have been told about relationships, and that's how we understand relationships. We process it through movies and TV and the things that we are watching, right? So we've been gathering this information and I don't know about you. I watched a lot of Sex and the City growing up and what I learned was a breakup was the worst thing you could possibly do. You better start sleeping with other people as quickly as possible to move on and be more like Samantha and stop feeling and don't be the one that overanalyzes and overthinks like Carrie.
(10:11)
And if you are like Carrie, well then you better get the handsome rich man. It has totally messed up my brain in a way that I couldn't even see until very recently. It prioritized relationships, being in a romantic relationship above everything else. They say that show was meant to be about the friendships, but what did we see every single week? We saw four women in their pursuits for romantic relationship. Very rarely did we get a storyline that wasn't about their relationship, each one of them, right? So that's four times it had six seasons, I think. So four women, I don't remember how many episodes were in a season. Let's say 20 because that's what it used to be. So that's in one season, that's 80 storylines about being with a guy and time six. That is a lot of stories that I absorbed about how important it is to be in a relationship.
(11:26)
And then we got the occasional storyline about one of their careers occasionally or something else that was happening, right? But it always seemed because of the context, the greater context of the rest of the show, it always seemed like that was a lesser focus point of like, it felt like filler. The friendships almost felt like filler in between the relationships and so did the career stuff. It didn't feel like it was as important as how do I get the guy? So my brain has since then wrapped itself around that the priority is to get a guy, to be in a relationship. And I'm not alone in this, right? Whether you watch Sex in the City or not, a lot of us, especially women, picked up this programming that it is crucial that we get into a relationship. And even in the periods when I was single, it was always about dating, meeting somebody, going out, hooking up all of that stuff was always my focus or my priority.
(12:35)
And rarely did I even stop to think much about what do I want for my life? What's the impact I want to have on the world? What is the career I want to have? What do I want my legacy to be? Right? It always felt like there was so much pressure to get in the relationship, get married, have kids, and then I'd figure the rest out later.
(12:58)
So when we're going through a breakup, this time is so incredibly powerful to unwind, not just healing your body and the stress responses in your brain from healing from the breakup, but you also have this opportunity to rewire, to focus on yourself and what you really want. This time is absolutely crucial to start seeing what have been the hidden mechanisms at work here that have been keeping me focused on things that keep me small. And I will tell you, I didn't see them. I didn't see it for years because again, I feel like I do my work. I do this work because nobody else does. And it has taken me years since my breakup to start to see, oh my gosh, I've always been so focused about being in a relationship that I stopped to ask myself, "What's the career that I really want? What do I want for my life to feel like I'm fully fulfilled?" And maybe this is because I'm reaching middle age.
(14:13)
Maybe that's the time that we all start asking these questions, but what if we do take this time when we are single to not just heal physically and emotionally, but also mentally to start recentering ourselves in our own life? All right, that's the big thing that I want to be working on now. And so let's shift to how do we reclaim your brain? All right. So the first step we have to talk about is regulating your nervous system. Is it sexy? Not necessarily. Does it seem a little boring? Sure. Does it work? A hundred percent. Regulating your nervous system is about letting your body know we are safe. There is no lying tiger or bear at the door. We're going to be okay. So there are all kinds of tools that you can do to regulate your nervous system, but I always want that to be your first stop, is to slow yourself down and to check in with your nervous system and soothe yourself.
(15:33)
Let yourself know we don't have to be hypervigilant. We don't have to be anxious. We're going to figure it all out step by step by step. Okay? So whether that's some deep breathing or a 10 minute walk or some yoga and stretching or some specific nervous system regulating tools, whatever that looks like for you, dancing even. Okay? Always going to be step one. Step two, want you to see that you're in an addiction loop and you might even be in withdrawal and we're going to intentionally detox. So stop feeding anything that is keeping your addiction active, right? And remember, addiction is that part of that dopamine cycle. So this might mean unfriending your ex on social media for a while, or at least muting them. Going no contact as much as possible. And like I said, I've said this before and I'll say it over and over again, no contact is not a standalone strategy, but it is a piece of a strategy.
(16:46)
So anything in your physical environment that might remind you of your ex, remove it.
(16:56)
It might mean creating new daily habits or routines. So instead of, I don't know, watching sports on the weekend, maybe you spend that time doing something else, going out in nature, going with a walk with a friend or something like that, right? So anything that keeps you getting dopamine spikes from the relationship from your ex, you're going to detox from those, remove them from your life. And then on the other end of that, I want you to create new reward pathways in your brain. How can you create new pleasure, spikes, or new feeders for dopamine in ways that are all about you? Now, fun thing to do might be to ask yourself, "What did I love to do as a kid?" And maybe try one of those activities now. I remember one particular breakup, my friends took me to a playground, right? And we just were like swinging on swings and climbing on stuff and going down slides.
(18:04)
I've gone to trampoline parks. I've gone traveling. I want you to create new ways to spike your dopamine and create pleasure that have nothing to do with your ex and don't have anything to do with activities that might be bad for your health. Some wine is fine. Some ice cream is fine, but if that's your only way that you're getting dopamine, let's diversify it. Let's get some other ways to get dopamine going in your system. All right? So some ways to think about creating dopamine is novelty. So something new, trying a new class, trying a new coffee shop, trying a new routine, like even driving a different way to work in the morning can create novelty, which creates dopamine. Also, anything that could build a skill. Your brain loves progress. And so if you decide, well, this is a great time for me to take a class that I've always wanted to take.
(19:11)
I'm going to take a drawing class and also social connections. So meeting up with a friend, having a nice long hug or scheduling a massage, right? Any of those things can be very useful.
(19:31)
All right? And then I want you, we're going to start building back the use of your prefrontal cortex, so that part that uses logic in very intentional ways. I want you to start by upgrading the narrative. Instead of, I lost the love of my life, what other ways can you tell the story? You can say, "I experienced a great relationship. I learned a lot in that I grew a lot and I'm moving forward and I will have it again and there are more opportunities for me. " Or, "This was just a rupture in attachment. I'm healing and rewiring." Or, "I'm the main character of my own story." The main character is the one with the exciting storyline, right? You could think about in terms of movies and writing your own movie. No movie is completely drama free. There are always bumps in the road. So this might just be your plot twist.
(20:38)
If this was a movie, right? If you're the main character, this is just your plot twist moment. I think calling it that can be really helpful. So start playing with, what am I making this breakup mean and what is a more intentional way that I can focus on it? What this also does, if we keep focusing on you, we want to drop away the focus on your ex. We want to not attach to them anymore, which is what you did in the relationship. We want to purposefully detach. So what were the ways that you have learned or the ways that really bothered you in the relationship about the person, about the way they treated you, about the dynamic, right? And how can you write that in a way for yourself? How can you tell the story for yourself of, "I deserve better than that. " It might be that simple saying, "For me personally, when my ex ended our relationship, I told myself over and over and over again, I only want to be with somebody who wants to be with me.
(21:49)
I want to be with somebody who chooses to stay and work through hard things, right? Because he chose to leave, so I wanted to make that behavior really unattractive and I wanted to reinforce myself. I will have love that stays." Okay? So this is a way of creating detachment. And then I want you to start thinking big. Now that your relationship is over, one way to look at the future is it's completely black, right? You had this whole future probably with your partner of what you thought your life was going to look like, and now that's gone. It can also look like a blank canvas where you can create any life that you want.
(22:37)
I want you to try an exercise of wouldn't it be cool if? Wouldn't it be cool if I ran for president? Wouldn't it be cool if ... I actually have a friend running for Congress, so this stuff doesn't have to be real, but maybe it will be. Just play a game of, wouldn't it be cool if I created artwork? Wouldn't it be cool if I wrote a book? Wouldn't it be cool if I traveled the world? And it doesn't have to be realistic. Actually, I think the least realistic, the better. We want to tap into your imagination here and use your imagination to create new pathways in your brain. Your imagination is an underused resource here, and it's a pretty low lift of just starting to play the game of, wouldn't it be cool if, and that you never have to take action on any of it, but just playing with your brain in that way and start telling some new stories about yourself and start breaking free from only focusing on how do I get into my next relationship?
(23:45)
I want you to start thinking of, if I'm going to live a badass life, what would that look like? Right? Who would be your friends? What would your friend circle be like? What activities would you fill your days with? What impact do you want to have on the world? All right? So in closing, your brain has reacted normally and your body has reacted normally to all the information that it's processing right now. And now you get the opportunity to choose, how do I want to rewire? So if I can help support you in this process of healing and then rewiring and going from feeling like a total hot mess to a bad ass in your own life, that's exactly what I do. This is exactly the kind of person I love to help. All right? I want you to come join me in my free masterclass where I'm going to take this even deeper and I'm going to show you my exact process that I use to walk my clients through.
(24:52)
And the class is called From Hot Mess to Badass. You are invited to attend. You're going to walk away with a brand new understanding of exactly what is this process, right? Dorothy had the yellow brick road to walk down. I have the hot mess to badass process. And I want you to see exactly what to do every step of the way through your breakup so you not only heal from the heartbreak, but you are breaking free from any of the systems that have been keeping you playing small and keeping you from living a fully badass life. That's what I'm going to help you to do. Come join me on my free masterclass. You can sign up through the link or in the show notes. That's right. In the show notes. All right, my friends, I'd love to hear what you thought of this episode. If you would take a moment and give this a rating, I would love that.
(25:47)
That's how other people find this and how we share the good word. You can also come over and join me on Instagram @sarakronoles and let me know what you thought. All right, my friends, until next time, I'll talk to you soon.