Everyone says time heals all wounds, no contact is the answer, and staying busy will help you move on—but what if those are the very things keeping you stuck? In this episode, Sarah breaks down the three biggest breakup myths and explains why healing isn't about waiting, avoiding, or distracting yourself. You'll learn what actually creates emotional freedom: processing your feelings, regulating your nervous system, detaching from the relationship, and rebuilding your identity. If you're tired of thinking about your ex months or years later, this episode will show you what real healing looks like.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Hello my friends. Welcome to Breakup Pep Talks where we are talking today about the three biggest breakup myths that are keeping you stuck. I have said this before and I will say it again and again again, this is the hill I'm going to die on. Most breakup advice that's out there on the internet sucks. I'm not sure why we keep repurposing the same advice over and over and over again because for most of us it just doesn't work. I actually would really love to meet the people that it does work for so that I could really understand their brain of like, "Oh, that does work for you? Tell me everything. Tell me why. What are you thinking? What are you believing?" Because if I can figure that out from them, I can teach it to you. But I digress because I am so excited to share this today.
(00:53)
We are diving into the advice that everybody gives you and the reason why you're still struggling. So we are going to talk about the three most common breakup myths. Time heals all wounds. Just go no contact and stay busy and you'll get over it. Look, if these things worked the way that people say that they do, you wouldn't still be thinking about your ex months later, a year later, maybe even five years later.
(01:29)
They just don't work. But by the end of this episode today, you're going to understand what actually creates healing and how to stop accidentally prolonging your heartbreak. All right, let's get into this. Myth number one, time heals all wounds. Everybody says it. Just give it time. You'll get over it eventually. I just need more time. Look, to me, this is actually a dangerous myth because time isn't the thing that will heal the wounds. Time passes. What actually heals the wounds is what you do with the time. I've shared this story before, but I had somebody that I was hung up on for eight years because I kept that going in the back of my mind. There was something in the back of my mind that kept me stuck because they hurt me so badly and I kept that fire of resentment alive for eight years that kept me stuck on needing that person to apologize, to admit how badly they'd messed up or how badly they'd wronged me.
(02:55)
And when I say I hadn't moved on from that person for eight years, when I talk about moving on, moving on means you are no longer emotionally tied to that person or that relationship. You're no longer controlled by it emotionally. You control how you feel. So I'd run into this person socially because I live in a small city. I've run into this person emotionally and I would get tied up in knots. I would go out of my way so that I wouldn't have to talk about them or talk to them. And actually I said that wrong. That was maybe a Freudian slip. I would be in the back of my head thinking about how awful they are and I'd be talking badly about them behind their back. I know, real mature. But this is what happens. This is what happens when we just say I'll get over it eventually if enough time goes by.
(03:48)
But I'm talking about eight years where I was feeling like a victim because of how this person hurt me. Time does pass. Time keeps going, but time doesn't care if you're healing or not. The real problem is the way that you're spending the time because the way that most people spend their time is replaying the old stories, whether that's the good ones or the bad ones. If you keep replaying the stories, you keep the wound open.
(04:23)
People keep obsessing over what happened, right? Like me, that's really what kept my ex alive in my brain for eight years was I kept thinking about how much he wronged me. Other ways that people keep from moving on, they might stalk the person on social media. They might keep waiting for closure. They might keep hope alive. Maybe, maybe they'll come back and everything will be okay. Or they argue with reality. There is a little period of time. If the person broke up with you, there is a moment where it doesn't quite feel like reality yet, where you're in shock. But after you move through that phase, are you still fighting with reality? What you're doing with your time if you're doing those things is that you are practicing your heartbreak every single day and it's keeping the heartbreak alive.
(05:27)
So I want you to think about, wow, I wish I could remember. There's an analogy and I want to say it was Michael Jordan who said that you can practice a thousand layups a day, but if you're doing it incorrectly, it doesn't matter. So whether you're a sports person or not, I want you to imagine thinking about if you're practicing the piano for an hour a day for a year, but you were doing it incorrectly. Or if you're a sports person, you're doing layups like they tell you this is a foundational skill. But what if you're practicing it incorrectly? What if your technique's wrong? You're getting the reps, but you're not getting the skill.
(06:24)
You don't become a concert pianist just because you play for an hour a day for a year, especially if you've been practicing it incorrectly. The same thing happens after a breakup. If you keep practicing heartbreak, you just get more skilled at heartbreak. That's what you're rehearsing. Maybe you're rehearsing feeling like the victim. That's what I had been doing. So no judgment if that's what you're doing because I did it too. I didn't know any better at the time. I know better now. I have new resources. I have new skills, which is why I'm sharing it with you.
(07:03)
The truth is intentional emotional processing is going to heal the wounds. And that might look like feeling your emotions instead of avoiding them or feeling your emotions instead of thinking about them. Sometimes some of my people are really smart here and what we do if you are a thinker, if you're a smart person, you escape feelings by thinking about them and those emotions don't go away. They just sort of live under the surface. Healing can also happen if you're willing to look at thought patterns that aren't serving you. A lot of times people come to me and they have these thought patterns that are happening almost subconsciously. They're not even aware that they're going on, but the ones that are brave enough to take a look and to challenge the ones that are bringing up pain, if you're willing to be open to seeing things from a new perspective, that's when healing starts.
(08:11)
People who heal also start to regulate their nervous system. You're not using the other person to help you regulate your nervous system. You're not reaching out to them of like, "Oh, I need you. " You're being resourced within yourself. They also learn how to build a new identity so that they see themselves in a new light and then create a life for themselves that isn't centered around the X. So myth number one, time doesn't heal all wounds. I want you to ask this question to yourself and take a moment to reflect. Maybe even pause this podcast, grab your journal. Here's the question I have for you. Have you been healing or have you just been waiting? Okay. Myth two. No contact is the cure. No.
(09:09)
So you may know this. I drove cross country by myself and I remember I'm driving through the El Dorado National Forest in California and I'm listening to this book who's preaching the benefits of going no contact for 30 days. And I am yelling in my car at this book because no contact is not the cure. People tell you like, "Oh, you got to block. You're actually going to delete everything. You out of sight, out of mind." Maybe. Maybe. But what about the people that don't have that as an option? What about people who are co-parenting? What about people who work together? Are those people just doomed to never get over their ex? No. No contact is only a tool. No contact does not mean healing. Let me say it again. No contact creates space for healing, but it does not do the healing for you.
(10:14)
Sometimes people ... I'm in a couple Facebook groups about people that are going through breakups and they'll talk about how long they've been going, no contact. And it's as if they're expecting the no contact to do the work for them. It doesn't because the work isn't simply don't contact them because here's what happens for a lot of people. And again, I know that these aren't true because I did them the wrong way for a long time. Here's what I know to be true. You might stop talking to your ex and go no contact. Great. You blocked them. You are not checking their social media anymore. You're not talking to them. But in your mind, you're replaying conversations. You're imagining that they come back to you and they reconcile things and everything's fine. They're writing imaginary texts about clarifying something that happened in a fight.
(11:21)
They're thinking about what could I have done differently that could have created a different outcome here that we weren't broken up. Sure, you're physically not in contact with that person, but emotionally, mentally, that's contact all day long. That is still a lot of contact. No contact fails sometimes because people think if I just stop talking to them, I'll stop loving them. But that's not how emotions work. You don't heal attachment by avoiding feelings. You have to process them and you have to practice detachment, which no contact is a tool for creating some detachment, for creating some space, but it's not one size fits all.
(12:19)
No contact creates some room. It creates some space so that you can reconnect with yourself. You can learn how to regulate your emotions without reaching out to the other person. You can learn how to interrupt those patterns that you're used to going to that person for all the things and it forces you to interrupt it. And it also forces you to build some emotional independence. Those are the skills that we need to focus on. In addition, really all that is it's practicing detaching from the person and from the relationship and recentering yourself in your own life.
(13:02)
So people ask me all the time, I'm co-parenting with my ex. I can't go no contact. Does this work for me? And I tell them yes, because the principles of detachment no longer being attached to that person, that is totally possible. We can break those patterns without enforcing strict no contact. We work with your emotions and your mind, which is where all of this lives anyway. We get under the surface. No contact is a surface level tool. If you never get under the hood of the car, you never fix what's actually going wrong.That's the work that you got to do. It's not about like, "I got to get away from my ex, " which sometimes yes you do, but this is really about learning how do I repattern and rewire my brain so that I can come home to myself and I can reprioritize myself.
(14:02)
All right. Myth number three. People say, "Stay busy and you'll just get over it. " Oof. People are telling you, "Just keep yourself busy. Get a new project at work. Get yourself back out there and start dating right away. Get somebody to distract you. " Or they'll say, "Don't think about it. Go get yourself a revenge body at the gym and just work out all the time." And I get it. This probably sounds like really good advice and a lot of people do this because staying busy gives you temporary relief. Staying busy gives you something for your brain to focus on and having something to focus on and having that temporary relief feels like healing, but it is not the same thing as healing. Because what happens when people are really busy, they stay busy all day long and they come home and they start to slow down and they start to do their bedtime routine.
(15:05)
And in this space of slowing down, everything comes to the surface, right? Everything comes up. You start thinking about them again and wondering what they're doing and who they're with. And again, you're replaying all the thoughts and all the feelings. It comes up when you slow down because you can't stay busy forever.
(15:27)
And the hitting cost when you stay busy and you feel every single moment, you might have a full social calendar and you might seem that you're doing really great for a couple of months and then it catches up to you. Maybe you even find yourself in a new relationship and you find yourself obsessing every time your new partner is checking their phone. Who are they talking to? What are they doing? Where are they going? You have all those same insecurities come back up and you feel like you need so much more reassurance. You feel like I can't find the ground underneath of me. It's because there are still some open wounds that haven't been addressed.
(16:28)
Emotions don't disappear just because you're busy and you ignore them. They wait. I want you to imagine we've all done this probably when we were kids. You've got a beach ball and you've got it in the pool and you're trying to hold it underwater and it just keeps popping back up. There's nothing you can do that keeps that beach ball under the water for very long. That's what happens with grief. The grief is still there. The truth of healing is that it requires both getting back out there and living your life and feeling your feelings to completion. It's not one or the other. It's not using busyness as a way to not feel your feelings.
(17:28)
It's finding what is the supportive amount of time to spend in activities that bring me joy or connection or belonging while I also make sure I prioritize what it looks like for me to heal. So yes, go to brunch with your friends. Build a new business. Travel to the places you've always wanted to go. Go meet new people and cry when you need to cry. Let yourself feel some disappointment. Journal about your grief. Fee your way through it. Create your own closure and honor the ending and honor the loss of the dreams of what might have been. All of that is part of healing.
(18:26)
Distraction is going to delay your healing while processing is going to make it go faster. All right, if those are all the myths and I just took away all the training wheels of what people typically do to get over a breakup. What actually works, right? That's probably what you're asking. Sarah, what is going to work if it's not time? If it's not no contact and if it's not staying busy, then what the heck do I actually do? Here's what you're going to actually do. You're going to learn how to hold yourself through the uncomfortable feelings that are coming up.
(19:07)
You're going to learn how to process your emotions instead of resisting them by using your body, not your brain. Because you're more than just a brain. You've got a body too and your emotions live in your body and we got to get them moving and got to get them clear because right now it probably feels congested. We also want to regulate your nervous system because you want to start feeling safe again. It's hard to feel free. A lot of people tell me they want to feel free. You can't feel free if you don't feel safe first. And when you go through this much change like you go through in a breakup, we need to learn how to start reregulating, regulating your nervous system so that it's based around you. You want your body to feel safe without your ex.
(20:00)
You're going to learn how to also detach from the relationship. You were very attached to that person. Now it is time to detach by creating your own closure, mourning the dreams, closing the open loops by giving yourself the understanding that you want and need all without having to go to the other person. And we want to make it so that that relationship and that person is no longer the pattern person that you go to, that you're driven to go to, that you have all this desire and need to be around. We want to decrease all of that.
(20:44)
And on the upswing, we want to increase how you see yourself. A lot of times your identity has taken a hit, your self-esteem, your confidence. It's really common for that to happen. So we want to reorient yourself and create a vision of yourself that doesn't involve being defined by what happened in that relationship because you had dreams going into that relationship and maybe you were building dreams with that person, but there are dreams that you still get to have without that person. There's still a whole life ahead of you that can be anything that you want it to be. And you get to become the person who no longer needs the relationship in order to make the life happen that you want. We learn how to feel whole as yourself as an independent person.
(21:40)
Most people try to change their circumstances in order to heal. They take a big trip or they get a new apartment or they get that revenge body, but healing actually happens when you change your relationship to the thoughts that you're thinking, the emotions you're feeling and how you see yourself. The people who move on the fastest, I guess here's the trick of if I circle back to the questions I was asking at the beginning of those people that this breakup advice actually works for those people and the people I work with, my clients, the people I see that heal the fastest, it's not that they weren't hurt. It's not that they're like experts at compartmentalizing or that they're like psychopaths that never feel. That's not it at all. It's not that the relationship never mattered. They learn how to work. It's the hurt they have to take care of themselves, to reprioritize themself and create a vision for their future.
(22:46)
So I want to ask you another reflection question. Which of these breakup myths have you been relying on? Were you waiting for time to fix it or were you using no contact thinking that was going to help you to heal? Or were you staying busy so that you could avoid your feelings and your thoughts? So identify which one were you relying on and then what's your one takeaway from this? What is one thing I can do today that would actually support my healing? And I want you to come on over to Instagram, share a screenshot or share a photo of you listening to this and tag me at Sarah Kernows and tell me what's one thing you're going to do that supports your healing today.
(23:37)
And I want you to know if you are ready to stop relying on these breakup myths that don't actually work and reading the breakup books that don't actually help or listening to the experts on TikTok or YouTube or whatever, nothing against them, but I just feel like it's a lot of advice that doesn't actually lead anywhere. If you're ready to get real process and real support for your recovery so that you can heal in a way that gives yourself closure and build a life and a vision for the future that makes you want to keep going forward and never look back, I don't want you to wait any longer. I want you to talk with me so that we can see how I can get you support so you can start healing today, not someday, today. So I'm going to put a link in the show notes so that you can book a call with me.
(24:31)
I have just a few spots that are open. It's probably at the time of this recording, I have three spots. I want you to hear this, that you don't need more time. You don't have to be perfect at no contact. You don't have to stay busy with the best social calendar ever with all the friends. What you really need is a process and proper support. And if I'm a fit for you for that, I want to have that conversation and see how I can do that for you. All right, my friends, take good care of yourselves this week. I can't wait to talk to you some more. Have a beautiful week. I