Finding love after divorce isn’t about rushing, fixing yourself, or getting the timing “right.” In this episode, Sarah sits down with Chanelle Carlin to talk honestly about what actually changes when love finds you again—healing worthiness wounds, breaking old patterns, and building a full life before partnership. Chanelle shares her journey from divorce to remarriage and the surprising ways being single became a powerful season of growth, not a waiting room. This conversation is for anyone afraid they missed their chance at love and needs a grounded, hopeful truth instead.
Get in touch with Chanelle:
IG: https://www.instagram.com/chanelle.carlin/
Now You May Kiss Podcast: https://chanellecarlin.com/podcast/
Blog Post - the Power of Gratitude in Marriage: https://chanellecarlin.com/gratitude-in-marriage/
FB: https://www.facebook.com/ChanelleCarlinWeddings/
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@ChanelleCarlin
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Sarah Curnoles: All right, friends, thank you so much for being here for another episode of Breakup Pep Talks, and I am so delighted to have my new friend Chanel here with me. And we are going to be talking all about hope, second chances, and really what that process is of,
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Sarah Curnoles: coming back into the dating world, and what that means for marriage. Did I miss anything? I know we talked about a lot, and I have a lot on my plate, like, Chanel, like, what would you like to say to get started?
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Chanelle Carlin: I don't think you missed anything, first of all, Sarah, thank you so much. And, that is a lot, and I'm delighted to be here, and if I can be of support to anyone in any of those areas, I am happy to be, so thank you.
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Sarah Curnoles: Wonderful. So, I always like to start by getting to know you a little bit, so why don't you share with the listeners your story, and how you got here, and about what you do, and all those fun things?
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Chanelle Carlin: Okay, so I think I'll start with what I do. I am a professional wedding officiant and your celebrant for life, which we'll talk about a little bit more, hopefully later. How I got here
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Chanelle Carlin: In 2018, my mom… Well, actually, 2017, my mom passed away from dementia, and she'd had dementia for only 7 years, from the time that she was diagnosed.
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Chanelle Carlin: From the time she really started having issues until she passed away, it was only 7 years.
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Chanelle Carlin: And it happened very, very quickly, and then my brother and I were left to kind of figure things out, and we did.
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Chanelle Carlin: And in 2018,
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Chanelle Carlin: I thought, you know, I don't ever want someone to go through the stress of having to find someone to, celebrate the life of a loved one again.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, I…
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Chanelle Carlin: talked to my husband about it, and we'd only been married 2 years at that point. And he said.
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Chanelle Carlin: you know, I think that's a great idea. How do you do it? I said, I don't know, I'll just figure it out. And so I went online and got ordained, and the whole purpose of that was just so that family or friends, if they ever had someone who passed away, they would never have to worry about finding someone who cared.
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Chanelle Carlin: To celebrate the life of their loved one. Because that's one of the things I was so stressed out about, is that the person that we found
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Chanelle Carlin: was okay, but they didn't… they didn't care. It wasn't that they didn't know my mom. Of course they didn't know my mom, but they didn't seem like it really mattered. And I always felt like it should really matter. Her life mattered. It mattered to us, it mattered to the world, so it mattered. So that's why I became an ordained minister.
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Chanelle Carlin: No funerals ever came for the longest time.
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Sarah Curnoles: Oh, wow.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, but weddings did. People started contacting me out of the blue, randomly.
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Chanelle Carlin: Because they heard that I was an ordained minister.
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Chanelle Carlin: to, to officiate their weddings. So that's how I started doing that. And I've been doing that now, primarily elopements and intimate weddings, because I love the intimacy of those relationships and those… those ceremonies. But I've been doing that since 2018.
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Sarah Curnoles: Wow.
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Chanelle Carlin: So that's… that's how I got to do… to do that, but I've had an entire, like, all of your listeners, and you, I've had an entire life of…
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Chanelle Carlin: events. My whole life has been a journey to get me to where I am, and my husband and I have only now been married. We just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. It was a second marriage for both of us, and I had been divorced for 17 years.
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Chanelle Carlin: Before we got together, and I thought for sure…
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Chanelle Carlin: I was out of the market. It was never gonna happen, and I was… I was okay with that.
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Chanelle Carlin: Because I was not gonna settle for anything less than… Someone who is really awesome.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: There's all that stuff going on in the background.
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Chanelle Carlin: How do I celebrate love for a living?
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Sarah Curnoles: I know, that's amazing!
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Sarah Curnoles: That is so amazing. It's so many things, I'm like, woof, where to start? Well, let's… let me go into it a little bit, because, I want to talk more about what does it mean to be a life celebrant. Like, what does that entail?
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Chanelle Carlin: so, as… as your celebrant for life, I… Thank you, yes. Yeah, and I'm… it's a… it's a trademark title. It's… I created it for myself and my business.
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Chanelle Carlin: It really is about helping people remember that all of the moments that matter in their life are worthy of celebration.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, if you come to me, and I am your wedding officiant, you get me as your celebrant for life. What that looks like…
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Chanelle Carlin: can look different for every couple, but in the very basics, your first year of marriage, I'm there to support you. From the day you get married, throughout your first year, you're gonna hear from me a lot.
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Chanelle Carlin: And you're gonna hear from me a lot, checking in to make sure you're doing well.
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Chanelle Carlin: Checking in to make sure you got all your paperwork and everything sorted, and all the things that you guys talked about that you wanted to do, and also just reminding you to celebrate your marriage, and why you came together, because the first year of marriage is usually different than most people think it's going to be.
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Chanelle Carlin: It also can leave a vacuum for couples, because they are no longer planning a wedding.
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Chanelle Carlin: Planning a wedding takes so much time, so much energy, so much focus, and then once you're no longer doing that, it is amazing how many people are like, okay, what do we do now?
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Chanelle Carlin: And… and there's… there's this wobble. And for some people, they actually get really depressed.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, part of my role in that first year is to just remind you why you came together. Remind you that your marriage matters. The two of you matter. The day you got married, your wedding day mattered. Somebody else besides the two of you remembers it.
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Chanelle Carlin: Remembers when it happened, remembers all these funny little things about it, and it's so important, I'm gonna remind you about it.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, and it really kind of… I think what couples tell me is that it helps them Stay focused.
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Chanelle Carlin: It helps them absolutely remember why they got mattered, and in those moments where things are a little stressful, you know, and this little email pops into your email box, or you get this text message from this crazy wedding officiant, or you get this card in the mail,
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Chanelle Carlin: It reminds them.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, it sounds like… it sounds like such a personal service that you provide for people, and
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Sarah Curnoles: very, like, high-touch, white glove, very… and I mean glove also in the way of, like, I got you, like, I'm holding you, and I wanna help care for you in this budding relationship.
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Sarah Curnoles: That's it.
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Chanelle Carlin: That's it. I love them. I love each one of them. I'm so grateful that they've trusted me. And then after that first year, it's about
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Chanelle Carlin: Celebrating whatever moments that matter to them.
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Chanelle Carlin: Because they get me going forward, so whether it's birthdays, anniversaries, childbirths, purchasing a house, or celebrations of life, and I have now done two funerals,
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Chanelle Carlin: I'm… they don't have to look for somebody else. I'm there for them.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. And so, the people listening to this podcast are probably not there yet, you know, they're probably not in the place where they would need you for that just yet, but.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: But you've been through this, you've seen couples who have been through this. Did you have any fears that came up after your first divorce, and how did you navigate through those?
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah, I… I did. I… there was a lot of things that came up, you know, so many emotions, feeling unworthy. There must have been something that I did wrong. I mean, for the longest time, it took time for me to get past that, that it was all my fault, that I somehow had some control
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Chanelle Carlin: over the situation and over that other person, which, of course, we never do. We have control only over ourselves, that's it.
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Sarah Curnoles: Hmm?
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Chanelle Carlin: Not over anything else. So…
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Chanelle Carlin: So getting through that part, and reminding myself, and remembering that I am… I am loved, I am cherished, I'm a woman of faith, and to… I had to remind myself that God still loved me, that… that this divorce was not…
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Chanelle Carlin: was… was not going to remove me from God's sight, and was not going to remove me from God's love. And that, for me, was really, really important, because I felt this unworthiness
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Chanelle Carlin: And it impacted all areas of my life. And then, you know, once you kind of get through that, it's like, well, am I…
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Chanelle Carlin: Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? What do I do now? What am I supposed to do with my… where I live, with my career? What… I mean, what do I do? There's this floundering going on.
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Sarah Curnoles: And could we zoom in on that? Because… and, you know, it's been a while, I'm sure it's a lot to think back on, but the whole idea of, like, not feeling worthy, the words never resonated for me, so it's not like in my head, I was like, I'm not worthy of love.
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Sarah Curnoles: it shows up in ways like, I stayed in a stressful job for way too long that wasn't really satisfying to me.
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Chanelle Carlin: Like…
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Sarah Curnoles: Because I didn't feel like I was worthy to bet on myself for the job I really wanted, and I stayed out of dating for a while, because I'm like, I'm not really… like, the person I want probably isn't out there. That's really what I was telling myself. Do you remember how that was showing up for you in your life?
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah, I… well, one of the ways that it showed up for me was that I stayed available
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Chanelle Carlin: for my ex for a very long time.
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Sarah Curnoles: Oh, that's so relatable.
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Chanelle Carlin: You know, I… if he called, I was available. If he wanted to come see me for whatever reason, I was available. If he reached out by email, I was available. And it was… it was obviously because, you know.
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Chanelle Carlin: in your mind, you get married, you get married forever, so I needed to still be available to this person. Whether he was available to me or not, didn't matter. But I was… yeah, that took a long time to actually…
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Chanelle Carlin: Be… allow myself to be released from.
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Sarah Curnoles: Thank you so much for saying that, because you just put words to an experience I'm having of, like, somebody I've been dating that I've been entertaining his…
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Sarah Curnoles: non-committal behavior, and I'm like.
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Sarah Curnoles: what is this? Like, I've been trying to put my finger on it, of like, what is going on? Why am I letting him do this? Of, like, days go by without reaching out, and then he does, and I'm like, oh, hey!
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I'm like, Sarah, no, that's not what we're doing. That's… that's an old pattern for me, and that's so relatable of that it's…
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Sarah Curnoles: I'm not worthy of…
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Sarah Curnoles: like, deep love, of respect, of, being able to move on and find happiness elsewhere. Oh, I love that. Thank you for sharing that.
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Chanelle Carlin: You're welcome. Thank you, I'm glad that, I mean, you're helping me put words to that, so that's… that's good.
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Sarah Curnoles: Good, I'm glad we're…
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Chanelle Carlin: He hadn't asked me in a really long time, so I was like.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah, unfortunately, I can speak to that. Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I… I see people going through that all the time.
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Chanelle Carlin: Hmm.
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Sarah Curnoles: But it's not ever labeled… it's not worth… it's not a worthiness label. We're like, just, why am I doing this? We don't understand it. But you're right.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah, that was… that was really the biggest way that it manifested for me. And… and I… I… it wasn't only… it wasn't only him. The next time… I… I went for a long time with no relationship with somebody else, and then the next time that
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Chanelle Carlin: it came up. I… I didn't do it as long.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right. But I still did it again until I realized and I recognized the pattern. I was like, okay, well.
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Chanelle Carlin: I think I've done this before, and I don't want to do this anymore. Correct.
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Chanelle Carlin: move forward in my life unless I… I recognize this and I break free from this pattern now.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, yes, and for people listening, I want you to know it's not like we heal, and then overnight, like, everything's magically fixed. It's like, I'm never gonna do this pattern ever again. No, we do tend to repeat the patterns, we just
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Sarah Curnoles: find it… we just catch it sooner, and eventually you catch it, like, before it happens, and then you redirect. So, yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: And some people, it happens so quickly, they get through it much more quickly than others. True.
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Sarah Curnoles: That's true.
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Chanelle Carlin: You know, we're all on this… we're all on our own journey.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yes.
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Chanelle Carlin: Right? So…
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Sarah Curnoles: It sounds like faith was a big part of your journey. What other advice or tips do you have for somebody who's sort of in a, like, they're in a worthiness spiral, or they're afraid, I'll never find someone again? Like, how do you help somebody work through that?
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Chanelle Carlin: So there's a couple of things that I found to be really, really helpful in my own
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Chanelle Carlin: on my own path, and one is practicing,
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Chanelle Carlin: Really great self-care. So, being gracious to myself.
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Chanelle Carlin: And recognizing that this is okay. This is a process, it's a time, and it's a time lots of people go through it. Nope, it doesn't look exactly the same for everybody, but there are similarities for most of us. I mean, let's be fair. So just to be gracious to myself.
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Chanelle Carlin: And practice a lot of self-care, going out for walks, enjoying… allowing myself to enjoy things on my own, and not to say that I shouldn't do them, I shouldn't have fun, I shouldn't, because, you know, yes, of course I should. I moved to Ireland after my divorce.
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Sarah Curnoles: You did!
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Chanelle Carlin: I did. I went.
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Sarah Curnoles: Wow.
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Chanelle Carlin: my degree, I moved to Ireland, I led this incredible life, it was… it was amazing, and I built a whole new life for myself. And I… who knew that was even possible? It certainly wouldn't have been possible in my previous existence. So, you know, allow yourself to do the things that you've always dreamed of.
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Chanelle Carlin: and… and desired, but never knew you could. And then also, Practice gratitude.
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Chanelle Carlin: And develop a practice of gratitude. And… and sometimes it literally is just being thankful right in that moment that you're still alive.
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Chanelle Carlin: Being thankful that you are on your own, even if you don't like it, and that you have the opportunity to do something new, something exciting.
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Chanelle Carlin: You… you have friends. Even if you have one friend, one friend that you can call, or one friend that you can write a note to, one friend you can send a text to, be grateful for that friend.
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Chanelle Carlin: And then what I did is I started a journal and just wrote down every single thing that I was grateful for. I did not focus… for me, not focusing on the negatives was so important, because it's easy to get caught in.
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Sarah Curnoles: It's so easy, and especially after a breakup or a divorce, it's… there feels like there's so much to focus on, like, what I lost, or I'm not where I thought I was gonna be, or I shouldn't be going through this at my age, and all those things of, like, the should nots, and I want my life to be different, and it is a very conscious shift.
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Sarah Curnoles: To be like, well, what can I be grateful for?
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Chanelle Carlin: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: What do you…
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Chanelle Carlin: Again, stepping forward.
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Sarah Curnoles: like, I know people, we hear about it all the time, of like, oh, gratitude practice, but what do you find has been the benefit for you, or for people that you've given that assignment to?
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Chanelle Carlin: So.
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Chanelle Carlin: for me personally, I'll start there, because it's always easiest to speak about those things. I find… I found myself lighter. I found myself…
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Chanelle Carlin: more motivated just to do things for myself, to recognize that the world is not dark. My world is not dark. It could be.
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Chanelle Carlin: But I don't choose to let it be. And once you start actually looking at things that you're grateful for, you start with one, and then there's like, oh.
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Chanelle Carlin: Maybe there's two. Oh, maybe there's three.
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Chanelle Carlin: oh my gosh, pretty soon I have an entire page of things that I've written down that I am thankful for.
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Chanelle Carlin: I… I will fall asleep saying my prayers, things that I am grateful for, because I have so many now. I recognize it, and then I relax, and I'm… I'm just lighter and more energetic.
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Chanelle Carlin: What I also found is then that allowed space.
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Chanelle Carlin: For me to find.
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Chanelle Carlin: what I was meant to be doing. It allowed space for me to find another person who was waiting for me, because there was somebody else waiting for me. Didn't know that.
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Chanelle Carlin: actually was in another… my husband was in another relationship at the time, but he was already created. He was already created, he was already meant for me, and we were meant to be together, but until my…
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Chanelle Carlin: head was kind of out of the spiral, and I allowed myself to be grateful for my life in a real, genuine way. He was never gonna find me.
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Sarah Curnoles: Mmm.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, that, like, that period where it's like the messy middle, right? Where it doesn't feel good, like, it feels really dark, and… or…
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Sarah Curnoles: like, the light at the end of the tunnel feels really dim and distant, right? Like, I'm moving towards it, but it does feel really far away. Far away. That's such a good pivot of, like, more often than not, for those of us that are out here, like, the person you're gonna be with has already been born.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? Unless you're, like, a Cher. Or a Madonna. And you're… you're dating.
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Chanelle Carlin: Most of us are not.
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Sarah Curnoles: Like, more power.
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Chanelle Carlin: power to them. Yeah, but most of us are not that.
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Sarah Curnoles: Exactly.
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Chanelle Carlin: gonna be with someone who's somewhere around our age.
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Sarah Curnoles: Probably, yes. We gotta laugh.
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Chanelle Carlin: So…
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Sarah Curnoles: You gotta laugh at this stuff, like, that's how we get through… it's one of the ways I get through a messy middle.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah, no.
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Chanelle Carlin: Absolutely. And just to get… that's like giving yourself grace, right? That's… it's hard… sometimes it will be hard to think of something that you're thankful for, because you'll be feeling bad, and that's okay. If you're feeling bad, you're feeling bad. Just find one thing. Start with one. What's one thing you're grateful for?
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Chanelle Carlin: And then, don't allow yourself to stay there the next time you find yourself… find two things that you're thankful for.
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Chanelle Carlin: And it should be daily.
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Chanelle Carlin: If it's not more frequently than that. And for me, there were times where I was doing it a few times a day, but it should be a daily practice of gratitude.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. I… I tend…
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Sarah Curnoles: I tend to have a hard time with a… keeping a journaling habit, so if I do it while I'm brushing my teeth.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah. You know, like…
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Sarah Curnoles: if I pair it with something I'm already doing, but, like, you don't have to use your mind to brush your teeth, so I can think about what am I grateful for, and I get to do it twice a day.
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Chanelle Carlin: There you go! I love that.
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Sarah Curnoles: Exactly. So, for the people that are… are feeling like,
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Sarah Curnoles: like, there's no chance of love for me in the future, like, I lost my chance,
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Sarah Curnoles: What… what would you say to them?
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Chanelle Carlin: God.
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Chanelle Carlin: That I… I understand that. I was 17 years.
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Chanelle Carlin: between when I got divorced and when my husband and I… my current husband and I got married. So I understand that feeling and that thought. What I would say is that it is most likely not true.
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Chanelle Carlin: However, If it was, Why not make the most of your life?
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Sarah Curnoles: I, like I said, after my divorce.
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Chanelle Carlin: I went to Ireland. I went back to college. I finished my degree, because I wanted to, in something that I wanted to study.
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Chanelle Carlin: And then after that, I was like, okay, what am I going to do? Well, I'll probably be a teacher, but you know what I've always wanted to do? I've always wanted to go to Ireland, so I went to Ireland for 2 weeks. And then I stayed there for 8 years.
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Chanelle Carlin: You know what?
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Sarah Curnoles: So great!
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Chanelle Carlin: It was… it was awesome, and I only came home because my family, you know, things were happening in my family, my mom was not well, my grandma was not well, and it was important to me to come home and… and be close to them.
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Chanelle Carlin: And… and it was time. It was obviously time. And then while I was over there, I had this incredible new career that I'd never had before. I got my master's degree. You know, I just… I went ahead and…
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Chanelle Carlin: made the most… I learned to ski in France! Oh, I mean…
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Sarah Curnoles: I mean, hello!
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Chanelle Carlin: Right? I spent most of my own single life and just thought, you know what, I'm gonna enjoy this time. I've been…
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Chanelle Carlin: on my own now, I'm good. I can do this. I can live whatever life I'm going to live, and then I am ready. I'm ready for whatever else comes. And once you're ready for whatever else comes.
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Chanelle Carlin: you'll be amazed at when that next person just shows up, and they generally show up out of the blue. You're like,
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Chanelle Carlin: Where did you come from? I don't know if I want to start dating someone again. I'm liking my life.
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Sarah Curnoles: Huh.
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Chanelle Carlin: You know?
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Sarah Curnoles: I sometimes think about it, because I've been single a couple years now, but I think about it, like, what if this was the last single Christmas? Like, what would I want to be doing for my last single New Year's, my last single winter? Like, do I want to go learn how to ski in France? Maybe.
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Chanelle Carlin: It was fun!
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Sarah Curnoles: It sounds like it. I mean, maybe there'd be a cute French ski instructor to keep me warm. Who knows?
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Chanelle Carlin: Maybe. Most likely, you'll get an old, crunchy scotch.
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Sarah Curnoles: Possibly.
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Sarah Curnoles: That's okay.
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Chanelle Carlin: I focused on the skiing that way.
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Sarah Curnoles: Correct, you actually learned to ski!
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Sarah Curnoles: But, like, if this is my last time being single, what do I want to do with it? To be… to look back on it and be like, I'm so glad I had that experience.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah, exactly. I'm so grateful that I got to go to Ireland, and… and meet people, and live there, and build relationships, and… that I would never have gotten to do otherwise. It's not like I'm glad that I got divorced. Who is? I mean, even still, it's like… because…
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Chanelle Carlin: for most of us, we get married and we intend to stay married, right? Yeah. And that's where that sense of frustration and failure and all of those weights come from, is because we feel like we were supposed to do something else.
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Chanelle Carlin: But it didn't work out that way, and so then I've worked, you know, to make the best of this life that I've been given for while I'm here!
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, so I know for you, you can look back on your divorce and learn all those lessons of, like, I'm so glad that that happened, and I'm sure your, couples who have been divorced and they're on their second, or after, marriage… Or more. Yeah, or more. Like, what is it that you or they have realized
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Sarah Curnoles: Was possible because of divorce.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, well, one thing is that they have the opportunity to choose differently.
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Chanelle Carlin: Have the opportunity to… to look at their life and evaluate, because some of my couples were together with their first partner for a very long time.
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Chanelle Carlin: And, they… they were young, right? They were young when they got together, some of them very young when they got together, and as they got older.
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Chanelle Carlin: they… they realized that they weren't actually growing together in the same way. So, then this… this breakup happens, this divorce happened, and
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Chanelle Carlin: Then they realize they get to choose the next time. They get to choose themselves as a… to allow themselves to be the best version of themselves, and then they also get to choose who the next person will be, because they're not going to settle
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Chanelle Carlin: for… previous partner, 2.0.
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Chanelle Carlin: Right? They, they deserve
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Chanelle Carlin: love. They are worthy of love, they deserve love, they deserve to give all the love that they have and have that be appreciated and valued, so they get to choose. So that's one of the things that some of my couples have told me. There's a freedom that comes from that. It's also scary to have that freedom, because what if I choose wrong? But…
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Chanelle Carlin: You know, or what if I fall into that old pattern? But…
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Chanelle Carlin: When they're coming to me, they've usually been together for a while.
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Chanelle Carlin: And they've given themselves time to…
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Chanelle Carlin: Find out if they fit, and see if they've made the right choice. And they're not settling for… someone…
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Chanelle Carlin: less than… their deepest… heart's desires.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, and I mean, choosing wrong is relative, and it's not… you can't for them. Yeah. Just like the label of failure of a relationship that ended before we thought that it would.
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Sarah Curnoles: And also, it sounds like your couples get you as a resource, so if they're facing those fears, they have somebody who cares, who has really taken the time to invest in them, that they can call you and be like, I need to talk, I need to be real for a minute.
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Chanelle Carlin: And it's such a gift.
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Sarah Curnoles: To have people in our lives where we can do that.
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Chanelle Carlin: I, you know, it is a gift when we have those people, and it's a gift to have the opportunity to be that person.
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Sarah Curnoles: True.
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Chanelle Carlin: someone. You know, sometimes it… if you don't want to…
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Chanelle Carlin: You want to listen, you want to be a support, and I had another couple who, when they got together, it… this was that first year challenge. Remember I talked to you about.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: first year of marriage is very, very different for some people, and their first year was very difficult. The expectations placed on their marriage by themselves and by each other
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Chanelle Carlin: was so intense and so incredible. They just put these expectations on their marriage that are just unfair, because a marriage is… basically, you're moving from… from one status to another, but if you've been living together, your day-to-day is probably not likely to change a whole lot. But when you expect it to change a whole lot.
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Chanelle Carlin: it… there's gonna be disappointment, there's gonna be stress, there's gonna be heartache, and they had a very tough first year, and I had the bride showing up at my house a couple of times.
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Sarah Curnoles: Aww!
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Chanelle Carlin: calling on a regular basis, and it was… she was so stressed out, and so disappointed, and so worried, and so… it's like, okay, well, let's… let's talk about this. Let's talk about what's happening, and what kind of support do you actually need? Because she needed medical support, she needed…
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Chanelle Carlin: therapy?
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Chanelle Carlin: Because there was other things happening for her. Sure.
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Chanelle Carlin: And then the two of them just needed to come together again and actually have real, genuine conversations that they really hadn't taken the time to do since all this stuff started going wonky.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. What is… what keeps coming up for me is how you… in your role, like, you help people celebrate all of life.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I… this is gonna come out a couple weeks after I do my, like, how to process the end of the year and set your goals for the new year, and I really do talk about, like, how can we celebrate even the hard moments?
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? Of, like, that really sucked for that bride, I'm sure. Like, I would not wish that kind of difficulty on anybody.
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Chanelle Carlin: Right. And yet, it sounds like the difficulty is what brought her closer to her spouse, because they had to have the conversations. Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Just, like… you know.
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Sarah Curnoles: somebody who's going through a breakup or a divorce right now is having to struggle with the ending of something, what's there to celebrate about that? Not in a way of, like, toxic positivity, of like, let's just paint over everything and pretend it's fine, but as a way of looking at it from a different angle.
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Chanelle Carlin: And sometimes it's hard… it's really hard to do that sometimes.
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Sarah Curnoles: Oh, sure, and I would not say to do it right after it happens.
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Chanelle Carlin: No, but you can find other things to celebrate. Right. You know, when I say… when I'm looking at the… because it's truly… you can look back, and I look back.
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Chanelle Carlin: And I know some of my other couples can look back, and they can celebrate those moments, and be grateful for what has gone already, what has already passed, and what came before, in order to be where they are now, and to be where… in the place where we are.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. I've never thought about it this way, but even if you're in the thick of processing your… the end of the most recent relationship, you could probably look back at a relationship when you were younger, and be like, I'm really glad that one ended.
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Chanelle Carlin: I'm glad I'm not still there!
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Sarah Curnoles: Exactly!
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Sarah Curnoles: So, I mean, we could always go with that perspective of, I'm glad that one ended when it did, even though at the time I was heartbroken.
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: I'm really glad I'm not still with that person.
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Chanelle Carlin: There's that comparison thing, right? Correct. You're comparing yourself to someone else, you're comparing yourself to a previous life, iteration of yourself. But you can also take a moment just to celebrate
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Chanelle Carlin: I am here. I am here right at this moment, and I'm being given, even though it doesn't feel like it, I'm being given an opportunity to choose.
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Sarah Curnoles: And, yup.
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Chanelle Carlin: And that is difficult.
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Chanelle Carlin: But it's also a gift.
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Chanelle Carlin: Not everybody gets that. So, you know, while we… in those moments, we'd like to not have that opportunity to choose.
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Chanelle Carlin: Maybe it's the right time. And who knows what that choosing will look like, but you can choose yourself in that moment. You can choose to give yourself grace, you can choose to take care of yourself for the sake of taking care of yourself, not for anybody else.
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Chanelle Carlin: And to love yourself, and to recognize that you are loved, and you are worthy of real, genuine, deep love. And if that's not coming from that person any longer, you get to choose to move forward and…
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Chanelle Carlin: See what else life has for you, because it does have something else for you.
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Sarah Curnoles: It's making me wish this was a video podcast, because the way you passionately speak, and like, you're looking at… it's like you're looking at me, and I was like, yeah, tell me everything's okay, Chanel.
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Chanelle Carlin: Okay, Sarah? Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: So, everybody listening, just, just know, like, she… it's… this is deep in her eyes, she's speaking with love and passion, and she believes it, and it is possible.
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Sarah Curnoles: Absolutely, yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: So very kind of you to say thank you. It is possible, I promise it is.
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Chanelle Carlin: Having been there, I've walked this journey, and I've walked this journey to come through the other side, and as I said, my husband and I now have been married. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary.
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Sarah Curnoles: Congrats.
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Chanelle Carlin: Thank you. It was very… it was such a moment for both of us, like, wow! 10 years! 10 years of marriage! And not every moment was perfect. So that's the other thing.
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Chanelle Carlin: Just because a new relationship comes, and you find this person who you want to be with, who's your best friend, who makes you laugh, and that you love intensely, and that loves you intensely, and that you really want to be with.
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Chanelle Carlin: Doesn't mean that every moment is going to be sunshine and roses.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Chanelle Carlin: And so then there's that, too, when you're thinking about moving forward in a relationship and moving forward to maybe marry again, is…
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Chanelle Carlin: Okay, so what's that gonna look like? And have those conversations with yourself and with your partner.
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Chanelle Carlin: What do we both expect from this? What are we going to commit? And… and, you know, are we both fully committed?
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Chanelle Carlin: to this, because if we're not both 180% committed to it, then… then let's not do it, because it's just so hard and so heartbreaking. We both learned that before.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: That that conversation will be necessary.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah So, I guess a little bit down that path, what do you wish…
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Sarah Curnoles: What do you wish more people knew about dating after divorce, or what's something we don't talk about that maybe we should?
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Chanelle Carlin: Golly.
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Chanelle Carlin: I think… One, is don't jump into it.
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Chanelle Carlin: Don't just jump in going… make sure that you feel good about yourself.
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Chanelle Carlin: Right? Love yourself, confident in yourself, allowing your… reminding yourself that you are incredible.
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Chanelle Carlin: And whether you're with somebody or not, you are incredible. Your value and your worth does not come from being with somebody else.
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Chanelle Carlin: It comes… it's in you intrinsically.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: We were all created, in my mind and heart, in the likeness and image of God, so we are all created and here for a purpose all of our very own. It has nothing to do with dating, with being married to, in a relationship with someone else.
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Chanelle Carlin: If you get that opportunity, then fantastic, but just remember that. It's… your worth does not come from being in a relationship with someone else, and so don't settle.
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Chanelle Carlin: That's the biggest thing, you know, and take your time. It's okay to want to be hanging out with friends and being single with your friends, or going out on dates, but don't rush into just being married and finding your soulmate, right? You will find that person
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Chanelle Carlin: When you're ready, they will come, they will find you, and you will find them, and it will be at the exact right moment for both of you.
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Chanelle Carlin: I truly believe that.
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Sarah Curnoles: I love that, and I love hearing that.
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Chanelle Carlin: Hang in there. Hang in there, I promise!
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Sarah Curnoles: Well, but I also, I love the idea of, like.
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Sarah Curnoles: You know, if you're not rushing it, if you're not putting pressure on it, you don't… you don't even have to hang in there, like, you get to just.
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Chanelle Carlin: just have fun! You get to learn to ski in France!
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Sarah Curnoles: You get to learn how to ski in France! Yeah! You can move to Ireland! I mean…
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Chanelle Carlin: Come on! You can go to the Azor! You can do whatever you want! You can get a new career, you can study things, you can… you can have fun with your nieces and your nephews and just play and not worry about whether you're spending time with them is creating stress for somebody else because you're not giving them enough attention.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: But it really, truly is… and it's not… that's not about being selfish. It's about just enjoying the moments as they present themselves, and those moments that matter to you.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yep. Yeah, I just had a client, get to a breakthrough of realizing, like, I don't have to split time around the holidays this year. Like, that was always a pain.
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Chanelle Carlin: Right?
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Sarah Curnoles: I don't have to figure that out.
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Sarah Curnoles: I'm like, you're right.
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Sarah Curnoles: What a blessing.
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Chanelle Carlin: What a nice thing to be grateful for!
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. If they were…
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Chanelle Carlin: Finding hard things to, you know, finding it hard to find things, so…
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, yeah, yeah, gotta look for… Look for what's there.
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Sarah Curnoles: Well, is there anything I didn't ask you that you want to share with our listeners?
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Chanelle Carlin: Oh my gosh, probably, but at the moment…
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Chanelle Carlin: You know, I'm… I'm just… I am passionate about this. Just remember to… that you are worthy. Take your time, and celebrate the moments that are… that are there with you, and… and life is a gift.
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Chanelle Carlin: And really cherish the life. And I promise you that that person, if you are wanting to be with somebody in the future, they will come at the right time for you, as long as you allow yourself
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Chanelle Carlin: To truly be grateful for yourself and your life, and to take care of yourself.
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Chanelle Carlin: It's all gonna work out.
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Chanelle Carlin: And… and I've seen it. I've seen it in my own life, I've seen it in…
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Chanelle Carlin: way more couples than I ever imagined that I would see it, and that I've had the opportunity to officiate and celebrate marriages for.
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Chanelle Carlin: So, I… I just really think… and if people have questions, or they… they find themselves at some point wanting to get married again, and they want to talk that through with somebody after they've talked with you.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, right.
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Chanelle Carlin: to reach out to me!
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, I love that. There was something that hit me when you were talking about, you know, life as a gift, and we've been… we've had so much fun talking about, you know, skiing in France and moving to Ireland, but really thinking about
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Sarah Curnoles: how we get into this rut of just living our life day to day to day to day, and it becomes almost autopilot. And what I find is a breakup is also a wake-up call.
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Sarah Curnoles: Of where were you tolerating too much? Where were you operating on autopilot? And what are those underlying dreams, like you said, you went back to school, that you did it just for you, not because you want… you had to, but you wanted to.
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Sarah Curnoles: What are those dreams that can wake you up to, life is a gift, and we get to live it every single day?
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Chanelle Carlin: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: And what I found, Sarah, is that
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Chanelle Carlin: It's easy to get caught up in that day-to-day life and that day-to-day moment, and I see it all the time with friends, and I'm always asking them, so, what's most important? What are you happy about right now? What are you… like, even if it's, like, planting stuff in your garden, or getting new flowers, or something just out of the ordinary, I'm, you know, going to a…
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Chanelle Carlin: going shopping for something different in a different place. It doesn't even have to be a massive, big trip, even if it just breaks up your day-to-day routine, because it's when you
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Chanelle Carlin: Allow a routine to become a rut for both of you, that you're… your, your focus…
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Chanelle Carlin: Becomes off your own self-care and off your relationship, and that's usually where most relationships kind of go a little sideways.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Chanelle Carlin: Again, just celebrating the moments as they come. Whatever those moments are that matter to you.
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Chanelle Carlin: Be grateful for them, celebrate them, and celebrate them in little ways, whether it's just acknowledging
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Chanelle Carlin: that I get, like, for me, when I get to go see my niece and my nephews, most of whom are grown now, and I only.
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Sarah Curnoles: Gotcha.
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Chanelle Carlin: like, my great-niece and nephews left.
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Chanelle Carlin: The, the moment brings me such joy, and just celebrating with them is getting down on the floor and playing with them, holding the babies, making cupcakes with them, you know, drawing pictures with them. That's… for me, that's celebrating and honoring those moments.
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Chanelle Carlin: It's not like having a party because I get to go see them. It's just like, I am so thankful and so grateful. What do you want to do? You want to color? Perfect, let's go color. You know, just whatever.
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Chanelle Carlin: That's just an example.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, I love it. Aw, well, thank you so much. How can people find you?
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Chanelle Carlin: Well, there's lots of ways they can find me. My website is ChanelCarlin.com.
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Chanelle Carlin: the… my podcast, I have the Now You May Kiss podcast, and that's about, you know, weddings, planning your wedding, planning a marriage that lasts, and that can be found on most podcast platforms, including Spotify and Apple.
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Chanelle Carlin: I'm on Instagram, Chanel.carlin, Facebook, ChanelCarlin Weddings, X, LinkedIn.
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Chanelle Carlin: Love it. You can find me anywhere.
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Sarah Curnoles: Thanks! Yeah. Well, thank you so much for being here. Thank you for sharing this side of you. I don't know if, like, your people even get to hear these stories from you, so I appreciate that you shared it with my people.
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Chanelle Carlin: No, nobody does unless you ask me!
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, exactly!
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Chanelle Carlin: Oh, man.
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Sarah Curnoles: Man, maybe I should have asked some more salacious questions.
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Chanelle Carlin: Next.
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Sarah Curnoles: time.
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Chanelle Carlin: Next time.
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Sarah Curnoles: Oh, thank you.
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Chanelle Carlin: Sarah, I've enjoyed it very much.
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Sarah Curnoles: I'm so glad.