In this episode, Sarah sits down with dating and love coach Valerie Adams to unpack why changing your circumstances doesn’t change your dating results—unless you change yourself. Valerie shares how her own struggles with emotionally unavailable partners led her to deep inner work, ultimately attracting her first healthy relationship and building a coaching practice rooted in subconscious healing. Together, they explore why patterns repeat, how beliefs quietly run the show, and why healing after heartbreak is not a delay—but an advantage. This conversation is a grounded, hopeful reminder that it’s not about timing or luck, but alignment.
Connect with Valerie:
Instagram: @themindfulbabe
TikTok: @thevalerieadams
Podcast: The Mindful Babes Podcast
Free Resources:
30 Journal Prompts to Attract an Emotionally Available Man: https://themindfulbabe.lpages.co/the-30-journal-prompts-to-attract-an-emotionally-available-man/
The End of Almost Free 3-Part Training Series:
https://themindfulbabe.lpages.co/the-end-of-almost-series/
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Sarah Curnoles: All right, everybody. Well, I am so excited for this episode. I'm so excited for my special guest I get to introduce you to today. So, I have Valerie Adams here with me. Hi, Valerie! Thanks for joining me.
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Valerie Adams: Hi, thank you so much for having me, I'm really excited to be here.
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Sarah Curnoles: Me too. I'm excited for this conversation, because we met a year ago at a business conference for people who are building their businesses online, and I just really felt such a connection to you, and I've been following
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Sarah Curnoles: you on Instagram ever since, and I really love the messaging that you put out there for people.
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Valerie Adams: Oh, thank you. Yeah, I felt connected to you. When we met, remember we met by the crystal? Yeah. We definitely hit it off, so that's really cool that we've stayed connected, and I'm really excited for this conversation.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, so why don't… I always like to begin at the beginning. Why don't you tell my listeners how you got started and how you help people?
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, so…
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Valerie Adams: I did not go to school to become a dating coach, a love coach. If you would have told me even 10 years ago that this is the career path I would be in, I would have laughed in your face because it was so… just not the direction I was headed. So, it's one of those things where I really believe our pain can be turned into our purpose, and so in my late 20s, I really, really struggled
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Valerie Adams: struggled with dating, I had been in… pretty much every relationship I had been in was with men who were emotionally unavailable, toxic.
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Valerie Adams: And I felt very lost, I felt very stuck being single, I was holding on to a lot of anger and resentment, and comparing myself to other people, and of course, that's the age where so many friends were getting engaged, married, having babies, and it was like, the more I wanted it, the more I wanted a relationship, it felt like.
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Valerie Adams: it eluded me even more. And so, it wasn't until I had spiritual awakening, I guess you can say, in 2018, where it was a divine rug pull, where the company I worked for, they were doing a reorg, and they had me move from our San Diego location to our Nashville office. So I got this fresh start in 2018, and that's where I really was stripped away from my friends.
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Valerie Adams: friend groups, and all the things that had distracted me, and it was like.
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Valerie Adams: okay, these same challenges are following me. I thought the secret to meeting someone was just getting out of my crappy San Diego dating pool and going somewhere else, and I had these expectations of, oh, I'm gonna meet someone right away, and then the same thing happened, first dates not turning into second dates, some ghosting happened, mixed signals from men, and that's when I realized.
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Valerie Adams: okay, so I did all I could do on the outside, right? I moved, I remember I was putting so much emphasis on trying to have the perfect body, and look the most attractive, and all these things. I had no clue what inner work was, and hitting that wall in the new city really led me to
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Valerie Adams: realize, oh, there's something within me that keeps generating the same result, that keeps attracting the same thing. So, by the grace of God and just the universe, I was on Facebook one day and saw a love coach post in a Facebook group about something that really resonated, and I ended up hiring her, went on my journey, really got into personal growth, and attracted my partner, who I've been with
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Valerie Adams: since 2019, Ryan.
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Valerie Adams: And, from there, I just really wanted to help people, and help people, heal, and really teach all the things that helped me attract my first healthy relationship ever. And so, I started my business in 2019, and I've been guiding women to heal and attract love ever since, and I absolutely love it.
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Sarah Curnoles: That's… I mean, that's incredible, and I say that all the time, of sometimes our pain really does lead us to our purpose.
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Sarah Curnoles: Even if you don't see it when you're in the middle of it.
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Valerie Adams: Right.
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Sarah Curnoles: It just hurts in the middle, but eventually you can look back and…
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Valerie Adams: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Valerie Adams: Absolutely. I never had the thought of, like, oh, let me get through this so I could help other people. I was just so in my pain, and so getting on the other side was where I was like, okay, this is possible. It's possible to have never had a healthy relationship, and then to attract one, so I will shout that from the rooftops forever.
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Valerie Adams: And also, that's such a fast transition of it sounded like 2018 to 2019 when you met Ryan, like, that…
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Sarah Curnoles: I think sometimes people get stuck in this mindset of, like, I'm too old for anything to change, it's too late for me, and that's really such a testament to how quickly stuff can pivot.
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Valerie Adams: Well, you're always going to be right about what you believe, and so the first step was believing that I could experience something different.
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Valerie Adams: And I think even the fact that I believed that moving to a new city would be the answer, that was even a part of me being like, oh, I'm willing to see things differently. And so, if you believe you're too old, if you believe there's no good men or women, if you believe that just dating apps are trash, then you get to be right about it. It's like, you get to be right about whatever you want to put your energy towards, so I would say it
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Valerie Adams: always starts with, well, what would I rather believe?
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah
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Sarah Curnoles: Yes, so you and I are both helping people who often can feel blindsided by their experience in dating, or they feel like.
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Sarah Curnoles: really gutted by their experience, and they're reaching out to us for help, because it's a painful thing to go through. What do you see as maybe the biggest misunderstanding that those women are having when they come to you?
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Valerie Adams: I think people get very attached to what has been happening and thinking that that's all that there will ever be. And so, it's one of those things where there's a level of self-responsibility, where looking at.
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Valerie Adams: okay, this has happened 3 times in a row, where I've attracted 3 men who they came on really strong the first couple weeks, and then they faded away. Okay, so option A is I could just say, all men are trash, all men just want to hook up, they just want a situationship, I could go down that path, or I could go.
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Valerie Adams: wow, this is painful and also interesting that 3 times in a row, or I've had this experience 3 times this year, so that means it's a pattern.
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Valerie Adams: And, obviously, they weren't the right men, but what within me
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Valerie Adams: kept being available for this? Or is there anything within me that maybe kept these things going on longer? And so the shortcut is always looking at, well, what can I shift within myself? Because when you are committed to shifting and doing the inner work within you, your physical reality and what you attract, it has to eventually follow, and so I think that's the biggest misunderstanding, is
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Valerie Adams: starting out there, and focusing on, well, where can I meet these men? Where can I find quality men? It's like, well, how can I become more quality within myself? Which, that can be a hard question to ask, but there's always things we can do to improve ourselves, and
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Valerie Adams: Be a match to attract different things.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, it's kind of like you saying, I'm gonna change my city, and if I change my location, then it's gonna change the quality of men that I date, and finding, like, oh, guess what, wherever you go, there you are.
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Valerie Adams: And that was, in hindsight, such a blessing, because I literally thought I was… my story, the narrative I had told myself was, I've suffered for so long being single, and it's because I was in the wrong city, and now I'm in the right city, so I expected men to be, like, at the airport with roses, ready to.
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Sarah Curnoles: hate me, right? Like, I was in this mindset of, I've struggled, so now I'm going to get my reward.
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Valerie Adams: But the thing is, is that I wasn't doing anything in that time to improve myself. I wasn't shifting my beliefs. I wasn't challenging what I was believing. I wasn't healing my patterns. I wasn't preparing the foundation for a healthy relationship. So it's almost like God was like, yeah, no, you're not gonna be rewarded, and just move to a new city and take your… your same, patterns with you that haven't served you, that haven't created
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Valerie Adams: created a healthy relationship. It's like, you've got to be…
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Valerie Adams: you've got to have another disappointment to finally be the reason why you decide to do that work. So sometimes it really is a blessing when you have that dead end, when you thought it was going to be different, because there's always an opportunity to heal.
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Sarah Curnoles: I love that.
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Sarah Curnoles: I really love that, yeah. And also, so interesting that your mind was saying single is a struggle, right? Like, I need a reward after being single for this long, instead of really just enjoying all the parts that you can have.
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Sarah Curnoles: When you're single. Yeah.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, totally, and that was also programming that, because a lot of the times, the beliefs we hold in one area, they show up subconsciously in different areas, so I healed that belief in love, where it's like, okay, I'm not going to be rewarded for struggling, and then I took that into building my business, where for the first few years, I would overwork.
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Valerie Adams: I would stress myself out, and I had this narrative of, okay, the more I struggle, then the more money I'm going to make, or the bigger success I will have. And that worked a few times. It worked for a while until it stopped. And so, exactly to your point, it's like.
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Valerie Adams: what if instead of looking at this as, I'm struggling with being single, it's like, okay, there's a gift here, because there's always a gift when you're given the… the choice to pivot, right? Because we don't pivot when things are good.
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Valerie Adams: We're not like, oh, things are great, let me change up this, let me do this deep inner work. It's like, no, when we get the door slammed in our face, or the rug pulled out from under us. So, it's… it truly is a gift, even though it's not usually wrapped in the wrapping paper we want.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, yes. I… so I love your Instagram so much, and of course, we'll give links in the show notes so people can follow you… follow, but it's so…
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Sarah Curnoles: practical, right? Like, it's always about 3 practical things people can shift right away, that women can see that the errors that they're making, the mistakes they're making, and the ways that they can change. Can you share, maybe.
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Sarah Curnoles: Something for the woman who feels like intellectually she knows that she should be shifting, or that she's ready for more, she's ready for that healthy relationship, but emotionally, in her heart, she keeps going back to those same old patterns.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, yeah, so, and thank you for that compliment, too. I love having my page be practiced… like, I want… my vision is anytime someone comes to my page to be able to take something away, whether it's a mindset shift or a, huh, I didn't think of it that way, so thank you for…
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Valerie Adams: the love on that. So yeah, there's the… so it's like the gift and the curse of awareness, because we don't get rewarded for what we know and knowledge when it comes to attracting love. So it's like, great, you know you're anxiously attached, great, you know that you, dated a narcissist, like, great, you know, it's good to have that awareness, but it can only get you so far, and so I think
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Valerie Adams: One of the things is… is to work with your subconscious mind. That's something I'm huge on, and I… it's called, like, internal conflict, where on one hand, you want something, you want to change, you want love, you want a healthy relationship, but there's an internal conflict happening subconsciously, where it could be fear of success. Okay, I say I want to attract a great relationship, but also I'm so scared of being cheated on.
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Valerie Adams: Or I'm so scared of them seeing all of me and walking away. That was my biggest wound I had to heal, the not enough wound, and
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Valerie Adams: you know, that… that can happen, right, where there's that internal conflict, so I always recommend working with your subconscious mind in a way you can start doing that. So I love modalities like journaling and EFT tapping and, nervous system tools. I'm also certified in NLP, so I love taking my clients through different, processes to help work with your unconscious and heal, but one of the questions you could ask, and this is, like.
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Valerie Adams: such a… people have a hard time with this one, but asking yourself, why don't I want to heal? Or why don't I want to attract love?
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Valerie Adams: And the knee-jerk reaction can be, well, of course I want to attract love, but it's like.
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Valerie Adams: what are all the bad things that can happen from attracting… like, just let your mind have a field day. What are all the things you're afraid of? And this is something I always parallel to business, so if I'm reaching for the next level in business, but I'm not doing the things I need to do, or I'm procrastinating on something, I'll go to my journal and work with my subconscious and be like, okay, why don't we want this? Oh, we're afraid of losing our
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Valerie Adams: Freedom! We don't want more calls on the calendar. Okay, what can we do to make that work? And so…
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Valerie Adams: I think starting there and just, asking yourself, because it's not a knowledge gap, right? If you know, I want to heal these things, this is my problem, now the gap is, looking at the blocks you have and the ways that you might be subconsciously blocking yourself.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. Oh, I totally love that. Yeah. I also love looking at… because sometimes people are so… there's so much fear that comes up, right? Like, after a breakup, there's just so much fear of, I might not ever be lovable again, what if that was my life?
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Sarah Curnoles: shot, and it feels like, I describe it a lot, sort of like a black hole, right? When you're in that much emotional distress, the future feels totally bleak.
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Sarah Curnoles: And so.
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Valerie Adams: I feel like it's gonna be like that forever.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, so of course you're going to be scared of that, and you don't want to think about dating yet, and all of that, for sure.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, and I think it's too about, like, giving yourself grace for where you're at.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, because there's.
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Valerie Adams: There's a season for dating, there's a season for healing, and so…
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Valerie Adams: sometimes, you know, it's like, oh, I need to get out there and fix this and meet someone, especially if you feel like you invested so many years of your life, or you invested so much and it didn't work out, and so it's almost like that part of you that wants to reactively get back out there and date, but it's so worth it, and it doesn't have to take a long time, it could take…
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Valerie Adams: A month, two months, three months, a couple weeks of just deep work within yourself to heal the foundation, and
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Valerie Adams: I think that, too, like, giving yourself permission, because have you ever noticed when you try to force yourself to… from the energy of pressure and scarcity, like, oh, I'm getting older, I better find somebody, or… you know, it's like, oh, it's the end of the year, and I haven't met anyone, and then you apply pressure. It's like, when has that ever worked favorably when it comes to dating? So I love that you brought that up, because I think that's important, and I know that that's what you help
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Valerie Adams: your clients with, you help them do the inner work and moving forward after a breakup, and really healing, and I think that that's so beautiful to give yourself permission, and that's something when clients work with me, too, it's… it's really… everyone's different, but it's like, hey, let's give yourself these
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Valerie Adams: couple months of just focusing on you, and let's forget about the dating apps. Let's take the pressure off of the action and focus on you, and that can help move you light years ahead. And I've had so many clients where they just focused on inner work, and then within a month, they met someone. Because it's not about timing, it's about alignment. So, you know, the work you do, Sarah, is so beautiful, because you give women that space, and men that space to
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Valerie Adams: Heal and better themselves, and then it makes the actions you do take so much stronger and more potent, and you end up attracting more aligned people from that space.
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Sarah Curnoles: Potent is a perfect word, yeah, absolutely. I love that word. It's a good word.
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Valerie Adams: Very good word.
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Sarah Curnoles: So, breakups and divorce and all of that could really leave somebody questioning, like, I don't even know who I am anymore, right? Like, I don't know what my identity is, I lost myself in the relationship.
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Sarah Curnoles: Because you take such a mindful approach to your work with your clients, like, what would you say would be, the process forward for somebody like that who comes to you with that question?
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, so I like to think of it as you're a blank canvas, and so,
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Valerie Adams: that's… it's a good thing, right? Training yourself to be like, okay, this is actually a great thing, that I now have the space where I'm not in this marriage, or I'm not in this relationship, where maybe I was self-sacrificing, maybe I was suffocating, stuffing down my desires, right? I was playing a role. Now I have this blank canvas to be who I want to be. And I think the question, who am I? It's a very, very big question.
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Valerie Adams: question, and I think the best place to start is to really ask yourself, okay, what is it that I want? And that's a hard question for people, because the first thing that comes up when you're coming out of a breakup is you tend to go to the negative, right? Maybe it's like, oh, I want someone nice, I want someone this, and then the third thing you say is someone who doesn't do this, doesn't
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Valerie Adams: Right? And, I see that all the time, and it's such a simple yet hard question to answer, and so what you can do, and this is something I recommend for any of your listeners, or anyone who's really wanting to get clear and specific, is asking the question, what do I want? And also letting the contrast from your last relationship guide you into getting clear on what you desire.
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Valerie Adams: So you can even make a list of all the things that drove you crazy about your ex, or all the things you hated. Like, make it… just dump it all out, and then you make a new list that corresponds to that one, and it's… you basically change… you basically… it's like, well, what's the flip side of this? So maybe it's like.
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Valerie Adams: with your ex, oh, he never, you know, never asked me about my day, right? And then it's like, the flip side of that, the desire would be, oh, I want a really thoughtful partner who's invested in my day-to-day and is looking for ways to support me.
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Valerie Adams: And that level of specificity, that's how you start moving the energy towards what it is you want versus what you're afraid of, because we can only receive what we focus on, so even if you're like, I don't want that.
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Valerie Adams: you're almost affirming that thing that you don't want. And also, and I think we'll send this over to you too, but I have 30 free journal prompts. It's to attract an emotionally Available Man, that's what they're called.
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Valerie Adams: I believe they… men could do them too, but they might… a lot of my stuff is geared for single women, but they're very powerful questions where it's just 30 specific journaling prompts where it's like, okay, what do you want? And getting really clear. So that's where I would always say is the best place to start.
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Valerie Adams: seeing this all as an opportunity, seeing it as, like, wow, this is so great that now I'm no longer in this relationship, and I have… I'm in the perfect place to attract a great love. Just even believing that, right? Putting energy towards that, because I think…
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Valerie Adams: the narrative can be, oh, you know, who wants to date me, or it's gonna be so hard, and it's… it's about believing, like, no, I'm actually in the perfect place where I can have what I want, because I think it's…
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Valerie Adams: You know, and everyone has their own degrees of hard, but I think it's harder to be in a relationship that drains the life out of you, that you've already sunk so much of your time into. Maybe you're waiting till the kids are 18, like, finan… where it's like, oh, I'll just stay, and stuffing down what your heart knows. I think it's harder to be there than to the…
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Valerie Adams: You know, the temporary time of being single.
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Valerie Adams: And there's so much beauty that can come from being single, especially for some women, it's like…
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Valerie Adams: Wow, this is the first time I've gotten to live on my own.
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Valerie Adams: I have a client who… she moved into an apartment, and she loves that she can have pink pillows. She's like, I… I'm gonna enjoy having pink pillows, because when I move in with a man, then that's not gonna work in the living room. And so it's about romanticizing life now and enjoying the process, which I think you kind of touched on in the beginning, that it doesn't have to be this struggle. It can be enjoyable.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, absolutely. And I want to go back… something you said right at the beginning was you have to train yourself to see it this way, because I think sometimes people might beat themselves up of, like, oh, it's not… like, I don't see it that way, so something must be wrong with me.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: But it's actually… it's a process. It's not natural to respond in this way. Like, it takes… it takes practice, it takes a little bit of focus, and it takes some work.
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Valerie Adams: Yes, it's a muscle, and so it's also, too, and you bring up a great point where people… it's really easy to default into, oh, well, I don't see it that way, so this is bad, and it's like, let's neutralize it and just…
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Valerie Adams: know that you're going to believe what's most practiced. So that's your old self. It's like, oh, the past version of me believed this and hung on to this. Maybe it gave… it gave me control, right? Like.
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Valerie Adams: on kind of a shadow work level, when someone has a belief of, oh, there's no good men. And the tricky thing about beliefs is that we see them as fact. Our brain isn't like, this is a limiting belief holding me back, or our…
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Valerie Adams: our head… our brain is like, no, that's a fact, like, yeah, I haven't meant it, this is reality. And so, a lot of the times, that is what you've… you're…
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Valerie Adams: you've most practiced, that's what's most known to you. So, the first shift is always, like, okay, I've had advantages for believing this, because maybe believing there's no good men, I…
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Valerie Adams: you know, I didn't have to work on myself, I didn't have to put myself out there and be rejected, so I could hide, I could be safe, I didn't have to open myself up to someone and have them dump me, right? So it's, like, getting clear on how has this been serving me, and what would I… you know, what is it costing me too, right? Because it's like, oh, it's costing me meeting someone great, right? And then…
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Valerie Adams: being like, okay, what would I rather believe? And so, rather than staying stuck in the getting down on yourself for what you have been believing, being coachable and being open, it always comes with just being willing to see things differently.
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Valerie Adams: So it's like, what could be the next best thing to believe? If you have a belief of there's no good men.
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Valerie Adams: the next best thing could be, like, oh, I'm open to believing there could be good men, and I have a friend who I know for a fact has a great man in her life, her husband is amazing. Cool. Okay, so there's one great man, awesome. And just going on that, and so that's what I think is, like.
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Valerie Adams: We're always going to default to what's most known and what's most comfortable, so it will feel wobbly at first when you try on that new belief, and that's why using tools such as what you teach, what I teach, right, to really, install new beliefs. And so it's not something you're just writing down in your journal or an affirmation you're saying, you're actually shifting on a subconscious level and really
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Valerie Adams: integrating it. So that's where the healing and the inner work is really important, so that you can actually start living out what you would rather believe.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, absolutely. Do you have any,
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Sarah Curnoles: practices, or even a success story of somebody who really needed to build their confidence back up to get back into dating. Like, maybe they had a really rough time at it, and you helped them get through,
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Sarah Curnoles: And find success, however you define success.
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Valerie Adams: Yes, yeah, so many, so many examples of this. One that really sticks out to me is a client who had been… so she had actually
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Valerie Adams: been engaged, and it was very close to the wedding, like, a week before the wedding, and he ended things with her. And then she…
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Valerie Adams: dated someone who was emotionally unavailable, and it really got her confidence down, understandably. And then through our work together, it was really about healing those narratives, because whenever something traumatic happens, you don't just walk away being like, oh, you know, dust off my shoulder. It's… you lock in a belief about yourself, because everything is neutral, but the reason there's an emotional
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Valerie Adams: Charge is because of…
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Valerie Adams: what we've decided about ourselves. And so, it's really about, like, well, what did I decide about myself from that? So, we did some deep work around healing those core wounds of not enoughness, not worthy, and really laying the foundation and seeing, like, wow, what a blessing you didn't marry this man, because you would have set yourself up for a life full of not feeling like enough, or
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Valerie Adams: putting way more in than him. And so, we spent… we worked together for… I think it was almost a year, and it was so cool, because every time… I like to do 3-month sprints for my coaching packages. I think having that 90 days and tensions is good, and every time she would re-sign.
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Valerie Adams: like, we'd end the package, and we'd talk about, okay, do you want to continue? It'd be, like, this new kind of season she was stepping into, and so,
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Valerie Adams: It's really about knowing and truly believing that there is a perfect fit for everyone. So, the right person for you, they will accept you as you are.
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Valerie Adams: And they… that's why it always pays to be authentic from the beginning, because you will exhaust yourself when you audition for someone, when you try to be something you're not, when you're trying to impress them. You want to be with someone who you feel like you can truly exhale around.
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Valerie Adams: And so, with this client, we really helped work on her confidence, work on her really loving herself, knowing everything she had to offer. I call it getting sold on yourself, where it's like, you can't sell anyone on you unless you're sold on yourself.
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Valerie Adams: And then, yeah, we… it was really fun working with her when she was going on dates, on the dating apps, and, the… I wanna say, it took…
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Valerie Adams: 3 months of her being on Hinge, and she met her now-husband, who… they had a baby a year ago, and obviously, you know, I was guiding her, she did the work, she really leaned in.
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Valerie Adams: But I… I have a lot of examples of that, and that's really my work, is I'm… I'm not the coach, and I know you know this, Sarah, from my Instagram, like, the content I post isn't…
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Valerie Adams: Three tips to text him this, or…
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Valerie Adams: Like, I'm very transparent with, like…
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Valerie Adams: we do inner work here. Like, we're shifting your mindset, we're shifting your energy, so that's really… where it starts, it's always how you see yourself. So I think that on the practical side, journaling is really huge. That's a way to create emotional intimacy with yourself, and I think a lot of people can have an aversion to journaling because they're like, well, I've only journaled when I've been, like, deep
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Valerie Adams: really sad, or really happy, and so I, you know, I don't want to journal, because I don't want to drudge up all those feelings, and…
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Valerie Adams: the more emotional intimacy you can create with yourself, the more you'll create with a partner. And so getting in this practice of, even if the journaling is like, how am I feeling today? What am I proud of myself for? What's my intention for the day? What am I grateful for? Like, even that connection with yourself goes so far.
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Valerie Adams: I think really taking care of your body and doing nervous system work, I'm so huge on that, and just getting on walks. I call walks, like, in my head, I think of them as mental health walks. I don't even think of them as exercise. Like, they are exercise, but it's like, this is for my mental health, so really moving your body, and
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Valerie Adams: When you're coming out of a breakup, it's like, all that energy that went towards him, or her, and the relationship, and trying to make things work, you now have all that energy back.
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Valerie Adams: So where do we want that energy to go, right? So it's like, investing back in yourself, I think. I mean, the greatest decision of my life was to hire a coach in 2018. I was so thrilled to have somebody show me what I didn't know, to reflect those blind spots back to me.
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Valerie Adams: And I know that's the work you do, I know you have a group program, too, and I did, group programs for a long time like that, where it's, like, it's so powerful to have somebody there to guide you, and also be around other people who are doing the work, because your environment affects so much, and I think that
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Valerie Adams: there… and it's like, my recommendation would be to let go of any judgment anyone has about, oh, I shouldn't need help with this, I shouldn't hire a coach, shouldn't therapy be enough, right? Shouldn't… like, oh, I shouldn't have to work with a breakup coach or a dating coach, like, that's where it's like, let go of the judgment, and it's like, wow, how cool that there's this opportunity here, where somebody who's
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Valerie Adams: been through this, been on the other side, and has helped people, is offering me a solution. So, I'll get off my soapbox about coaching and investing in your.
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Sarah Curnoles: So…
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Valerie Adams: and that's…
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Sarah Curnoles: I think also you and I work in fields where… and this is sort of like the undercurrent story of people say, like, I should be able to figure this out on my own. Dating is natural. Getting over a breakup is natural. Shouldn't I be able to figure this out? And I think people can figure it out, but you can also get easily stuck.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah. You know what's not natural, though? The, the stories we tell ourselves.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Valerie Adams: anxious spirals, the, beating ourselves up, the fear of being rejected, the over-functioning. And I'm not saying this from a place of, like, you're bad or wrong if you experience this, but just because something is common doesn't mean it's normal. And so, if that's all you've ever known, and all the people you've dated, it's like.
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Valerie Adams: you know, it's one of those things where it's a… it's so nice to know, like, okay, there's something I haven't figured out. There's something I don't know, and it does take humility, right? But it's one of those things where I think it's the biggest act of self-love to be like, hmm, there's just something that has been hard for me, and…
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Valerie Adams: I… I want help with it. It's kind of like how I think of working with my accountant. It's like…
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Valerie Adams: that is something where it's like, could I do my own books? Could I do my own taxes? Even just thinking of that makes me cringe, but it's like…
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Valerie Adams: why… why is it any different, right? Where I'm like, wow, this person is an expert, and I'm so grateful that she can help me with this, and help me with different strategies.
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Valerie Adams: I don't get down on myself, or like, why don't I know this? I should know this. I'm like, wow, great, like, it's a partnership. And so, with coaching and investing in yourself, and the thing is, is, like, your audience, Sarah, my audience, you're watching our content for a reason. There's something that's happening, you're getting some type of value, or, you know, something shifting within you, so it's like, just imagine…
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Valerie Adams: what else is available for you when you let go of that self-judgment. And you don't have to tell anyone that you're working with a coach. Right. I have so many clients who it's not… not… not like a secret, but they're just… they're like, yeah, I'm gonna keep this to myself, and…
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Valerie Adams: when they're ready, they share, but it's one of those things where you… you just can't judge yourself. You have to… you see the opportunity to feel better and heal. So, I got back on my soapbox. That's okay.
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Sarah Curnoles: I took you there.
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Sarah Curnoles: I wanted to talk about ghosting. I really love how you help people around ghosting, because a lot of people, I just find it so common.
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Sarah Curnoles: I wish it wasn't. I… I wish we had more courage to have uncomfortable conversations, but, what advice do you give people who've been ghosted?
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, so I think a few things happened. So, number one, it's always about taking your power back over the narrative you're telling. I think, depending on the situation, it could feel like, wow, I wasn't even worth it to him to… or her to…
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Valerie Adams: tell me that they didn't want to see me. I think the reason why there's a lot of torment is because you don't really know.
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Valerie Adams: Right? You don't know the reason, and you will beat yourself up trying to figure that out. And so, the first thing is always about taking the narrative and the power back, and it's like two things can be true at once, it's hurtful, and… wow, that is not the person for me, because
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Valerie Adams: Imagine being in a relationship with that.
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Valerie Adams: with someone who will just leave for two days, or someone who will just not close that loop. So, it's actually, you know, the classic quote of, like, rejection is protection. I think that's number one. Number two with ghosting, it's… it speaks more about the person than about you.
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Valerie Adams: And so, I think that's their own, wanting to avoid conflict. That's also…
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Valerie Adams: people who, I think it can come from being indecisive. So, the reason why people ghost sometimes, and then they come back two months later, and they're like, hey, stranger, or hey, how are things going, is because they want…
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Valerie Adams: to know that they could come back if they wanted to. And so, I think being decisive, and being like, you know what, I don't think we're a fit romantically, or, you know, my feelings have changed, or I'm getting serious with someone else, or whatever.
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Valerie Adams: people don't want to do that because they don't totally want to kill off future opportunity. I don't think consciously they realize that, I think it's a subconscious thing. I think with technology, it's become more…
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Valerie Adams: you know, common, right? The casualness of that, of not, you know.
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Valerie Adams: talking to someone. I also… an interesting take I have is that sometimes, people… like, I think sometimes not responding to someone can be a boundary. So, there's also cases where maybe someone has accidentally ghosted, right? I think, you know, and I think, too, people are very quick to label ghosting.
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Valerie Adams: it as ghosting, and that can carry a lot of charge, so you want to be mindful of what you're labeling as ghosting. Was it you guys went out on a date, and he didn't reach out again?
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Valerie Adams: Right, is that ghosting? And also, it's like, what do you get out of labeling something like that as ghosting, right? What does that create within you? What I would say, too, is that it…
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Valerie Adams: You have to take it as it's clarity, and I think the… I think closure is an illusion, because why would you even want feedback, or want to know from that person anyway? This is where you take the power back, and you're like, no, wait, that doesn't work for me.
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Valerie Adams: like, my dream partner, the healthy relationship I'm calling in, they… if something's wrong, they tell me. They don't just never respond, or block me, or, you know, whatever. And so, rather than thinking, oh, I just wish I knew what shifted, it's like, why are you asking?
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Valerie Adams: why would you want to know? It's kind of like if you were interviewing for a job, and you knew that they weren't your dream company, and then they end up rejecting you, or never following up with you after the interview. Even though you know they're not the dream company.
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Valerie Adams: why would you be like, well, let me get feedback from them about why they didn't move forward with me. It's like, consider the source. And so, that's the biggest thing with ghosting is, and it's also, it's a lack of integrity thing, because,
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Valerie Adams: you know, and that, I think people who…
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Valerie Adams: I think it is a reflection of self-esteem sometimes with ghosting, where it's like, they don't have the integrity to have that tough conversation, or to hold that space, and so where else don't they have integrity, right? They're kind of… it's like breaking promises to themselves, and so…
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Valerie Adams: it's one of those things where, yes, let it sting, but also let go of knowing… let go of believing you need closure, because you can give yourself that closure, and that's a really good time on the heels of a dating disappointment. I think that's the perfect time to be diving into that.
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Valerie Adams: intimacy and inner work to really shift and make sure you don't attract that again, because
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Valerie Adams: Is it totally, you know, on you? No. And were there parts maybe you played into that dynamic? Maybe they were already showing signs that they were flaky, or that, you know, or maybe you turned into… you were doing more of the work, or you were more invested, and so I think
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Valerie Adams: being willing to look at that so that you can attract differently next time without totally taking responsibility for the way somebody else chooses to act. I think that's the sweet spot.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, I… so I was ghosted, I was dating somebody this summer, and he ghosted me, and it's okay. But it was interesting, because it was really reaffirming to me, the personal work I've done is healing a lot of the anxious, like, chasing the unavailable guy.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And right before he ghosted, it was starting to show signs of that, of, like.
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Sarah Curnoles: the unavailability, and I was noticing I was kind of confusing chemistry for my anxiety of, like, I would get really excited because he wasn't always available.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I was just starting to catch it when he ghosted.
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Valerie Adams: Hmm.
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Sarah Curnoles: After I went…
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Valerie Adams: made the decision for you.
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Sarah Curnoles: after I went through, like, my… the emotions of, like, that was rough. I really thought that was going somewhere different, like, I was sad for a bit. But I… Where was I going with this? I… oh, I got to the point where I made my own story of, like, what happened, right?
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Valerie Adams: Mmm…
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Sarah Curnoles: Of… this was just sort of fast-forwarding what was going to happen anyway.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? He just sped it up a little bit, it was already going this direction, and I… I want a relationship with a man who's gonna talk it out, not run away.
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Valerie Adams: Yes, yeah, and it's like…
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Valerie Adams: It's so hard, and you would rather learn that about him 2 months in versus 2 years.
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Sarah Curnoles: Correct.
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Valerie Adams: in.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Valerie Adams: So, if… yeah, I'm sorry you went through that.
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Sarah Curnoles: Well, and the funny thing is, because this is my line of work, I posted something on a story of, like, just a shout out to everybody going through ghosting, because that's hard work, right? Something along that, of, like, recognizing it is work to give yourself closure.
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Sarah Curnoles: And of course, that's when he reached out to be like, hey, I just wanted to close.
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Valerie Adams: Oh, wow.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I'm like, yeah, you saw my story.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, he just wanted to maintain… people, you know, want to try to control how other people see them.
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Sarah Curnoles: Correct.
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Valerie Adams: it's impossible, so his ego couldn't handle being called out, so it's like, oh, I want to still be seen as a good guy. Right. But maybe that's a lesson for him moving forward, where he won't do that to someone again, but
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Valerie Adams: Good for you for speaking your truth and standing in that, and you were already, like, healed and on the other side of it, right?
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Sarah Curnoles: Right, exactly. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes, I was, you know, very polite and shut it down, but yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: It's like, well, thanks.
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Sarah Curnoles: That's fine, but… Yeah? Yeah. Yeah. Not… not what I want going forward, and I think it's okay to take…
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Sarah Curnoles: To take those rough experiences and just use that as, fertilizer.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, I love the new narrative, the new story you told yourself, because we can truly shift so quickly by choosing a new story. When we feel like crap, when we have anxiety, it's because we're telling
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Valerie Adams: a story where believing something that doesn't feel good. And so, you felt better when you told the story of, like, this isn't the relationship I want anyways, like, this is how it would have ended, but this was just sped up, and you felt better not because he came back, or you got this validation from him, it's because you shifted the way you were looking at it. And I think that's so important to know, like, when we're in the thick of anxiety.
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Valerie Adams: or, or hurt.
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Valerie Adams: there's always a shift, like, right around the corner when you're willing to tell a different story, so I'm happy you shared that. That's a really powerful example, and like you said, a testament to the personal work. It's like a muscle, right? Where…
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Valerie Adams: Maybe in the past, it would have taken you 6 months or a year to get there.
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Sarah Curnoles: Totally.
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Valerie Adams: That's what I love. It really, collapses time when we lean on healing.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, and I mean, I was… I was in London when it happened.
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Valerie Adams: Oh.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I was like, I can't let this ruin this experience I'm gonna have. Like, I can have my time where I have my morning and my grief practice, but I am gonna still enjoy my life. I'm not gonna let this take me out while I'm traveling.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, what a great place to be.
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Valerie Adams: You know, and it's like, yeah, you got… that's so great that you have the environment where it's like, yeah, I'm gonna enjoy this. And we can enjoy life wherever we are, even if it's same old, same old.
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Sarah Curnoles: Totally, yes.
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Valerie Adams: house, there's always joy that we can access.
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Sarah Curnoles: Exactly. We don't have to end our life because something bad happened.
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Valerie Adams: Hmm. Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Wonderful, thank you so much. Is there anything that you would like to share that I didn't ask?
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Valerie Adams: I think, like, something that's coming through is to…
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Valerie Adams: give yourself permission to believe before the evidence comes, because I think we're very backwards with that. The human part of us is like, well, once I see it, then I can believe it. And so, you know, believing that you can't have what you want, it's really easy, it's really seductive, you know, something the ego does, because our ego wants us to stay where we're at, is to be like.
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Valerie Adams: Well, yeah, there's no good guys, because look at this guy, this guy, like, look at all this, like, this is all the evidence, but you don't need evidence to believe something different.
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Valerie Adams: And so, I think giving yourself permission to be… to… to be… I don't want to say crazy, because it's not crazy, but to really step outside and go, you know what? I've had really crappy experiences, or I've been really hurt, but…
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Valerie Adams: what would I rather have be true for me, right? I'm choosing to imagine… it's like we're using our imagination either way. We're using our imagination to imagine a future where we don't get what we want, or where we're single forever, right? Or we could use our imagination to believe that you can attract love, and so…
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Valerie Adams: Something I even tell clients to do is, like, make a list of all the people you know who are in a happy relationship. When you go out, notice people who have wedding bands on, or people who are in a relationship, or on a date, and train your brain to see, like, oh, this is normal, like, men and women, they want commitment, they want to be in a relationship, like, this is really con… wow, the fact that I'm…
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Valerie Adams: seen 20 peoples holding hands today, like, that is just evidence that what I want is already in my energetic field. It's already close, so, like, what do I get to believe about myself and about love to get to have that? And, if something… if that's something that doesn't feel completely natural, that's totally fine. It's something that takes practice, and it's a muscle to build, but it always starts with just…
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Valerie Adams: what would I rather believe? And that's… I ask myself that question every day, about things.
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Valerie Adams: like.
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Sarah Curnoles: What would I rather believe? I like it.
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Valerie Adams: yeah, like, why not just try on something else? So yeah, and then something else I wanted to share, too, is that I have a free 3-part training series that I'll send you the link to include. It's called The End of Almost, and it's about…
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Valerie Adams: Just helping you make those mindset and energetic shifts around attracting emotionally unavailable people, and.
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Sarah Curnoles: I'm like, I need to do that.
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Valerie Adams: Yeah, it's so… it's an easy… it's on, it's on an audio format, so you can listen while you're walking and all that, but it's really about, like.
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Valerie Adams: what shifts you can start making to no longer… and that's the thing, it's not so much even about, like, attracting those people, but it's like, well, what has had you invest
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Valerie Adams: in those people? What is… how do you entertain those people? So I… I'll include that, and then also the journal prompts are a really great place just to start with, like.
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Valerie Adams: let's… let's try on some new beliefs, and a game you can play with yourself, too, is, like, with a belief, being like, okay, I'll just try this on for 30 days, and if I don't like it, if it doesn't serve me, I can get rid of it. You know, it's like…
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Valerie Adams: Why not, like, just make it looser? So yeah, is there anything that… that I…
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Sarah Curnoles: No, this is amazing!
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Valerie Adams: Okay.
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Sarah Curnoles: Thank you, this was such a to see.
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Valerie Adams: I feel like we could talk all day.
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Sarah Curnoles: We really could. This was so wonderful. Thank you so much for coming on, Valerie.
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Valerie Adams: Thank you so much for having me, and yeah, definitely, if this episode resonated with anyone, I'm on Instagram, at The Mindful Babe. I know Sarah's gonna include that, but feel free to message me, say hi, let me know who it resonated, and yeah, I feel so honored to be here. Thank you, Sarah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, thank you for coming on. Alright.