“The universe was like, alright, knock you upside the head… I’m gonna definitely try and wake you up.” What if your breakup isn’t the end of your life, but the moment you finally stop abandoning yourself? Sarah and Priya dive into the quiet ways women lose their voice through people-pleasing, conditioning, toxic relationships, and fear—and how midlife often becomes the wake-up call to change. This conversation is a powerful reminder that freedom begins the moment you tell yourself the truth.
Book your free Breakthrough Call with Sarah: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=13002720&appointmentType=2184073
Connect with Priya!
Facebook https://www.facebook.com/findingyourvoicewithpriya
Youtube: youtube.com/@priyasudarsanam
lIG: @unmute_with_priya
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Sarah Curnoles: Alright, welcome everybody to another episode of Breakup Pep Talks, and I cannot wait to introduce you to my new friend, Priya. Priya is the host of, her own podcast, Unmute with Priya, Finding Your Voice in Midlife, and I cannot wait to talk about this topic.
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Sarah Curnoles: Because she graciously had me on her show.
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Sarah Curnoles: And we had such a good conversation that I thought, we need to bring this over to my podcast for my audience, because I think you have so much wisdom to share with the listeners, Priya, and I can't… I was so excited for this conversation today, so thank you for being here.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Same here, Sarah. Thank you for having me.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, so tell me, how did you… how did you get here? What's your, I just did a podcast this past week, I recorded it about, like, Avengers and your origin story, so tell me, what would be your origin story?
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Priya Sudarsanam: So I have always… I didn't realize until recently that communication is my jam.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Even though I was the worst communicator. But I went into a career, I was… I'm a speech pathologist, and spent 20 years, but I rocked it, helping others to find their voice. I could work with somebody who's had a stroke, and I helped them to find their voice. And children, you know, people would say, give that child to Priya, she'll get them talking. I never really understood, because I was so disconnected from myself. I just thought, okay, this is a job, this is a career, just do
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Priya Sudarsanam: Do this the best that you can.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And then, 20 years later, I'm in a very toxic relationship, and,
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Priya Sudarsanam: kind of the breakup took about 2 years, but… and… and I had a head injury in that time, then it's COVID, so I was really faced with myself. And one of the things that I realized was, yeah, I've been spending my whole life helping others to find their voice, and I've never had one. Anytime I try to speak up.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I'm cowering in fear. I have anxiety. I never knew my voice. I…
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Priya Sudarsanam: never knew what confidence was, and I didn't know who I was inside, so that's what led me here, is just essentially that… that head injury was the catalyst for a lot to change in my life, and then I realized, hey, wait a second.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I'm going through perimenopause. There's something here, there's something shifting where I'm like, all of these things that I've gone through in my life.
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Priya Sudarsanam: career, all the things that I've done the right way don't resonate with me anymore, so that's where I just… just was about, like, I gotta unmute myself, like, who am I?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, so…
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, and I don't know if you'll have an answer to this, but maybe it'll lead us somewhere interesting. What do you think causes women to lose their voice in the first place?
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Priya Sudarsanam: I think it starts really young, so from such a young age.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I was… I mean, I'm an Indian woman, and there's just a path that we're going to take. You're going to go to school, you're going to… and you're only going to focus on certain areas, like math, science, the STEM categories, and then you're going to get married, and then you're going to have children. And so there was this programming that was instilled in me since I was 5 about having children.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And so I went… I was just following that. I didn't realize there was a different direction. I was following the direction that I was programmed to believe that I had to follow. And so…
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Priya Sudarsanam: That is generally the conversation that I'm having with these other women, is that, yeah, I've been on this trajectory, and I didn't know there was any other trajectory. I didn't know I could make my own decisions.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And then, I think it's also just being a woman.
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Priya Sudarsanam: you think, okay, I'm supposed to get married, have children, do that thing, and then you get to a place where you're like, okay, I've done it, now what?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Now what?
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Priya Sudarsanam: And it's that now what that really sparks something, and I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I can only suspect what happened within my own body, that change in hormones really starts to help you to connect to that, okay, now what?
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, isn't that interesting? Because I… and I think that's where our conversation got really interesting, of this trend of women in midlife, that…
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Sarah Curnoles: something is shifting, that they're connecting to that question of, now what? Like, or where have I been, or how did I get here? They start asking these, like, big, important questions.
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Sarah Curnoles: So this time is so important. So how might somebody recognize… like you said, like, you didn't know that you had lost your voice and never had it? How could somebody recognize that for themselves?
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Priya Sudarsanam: So, I think it's this… it's that internal nudge that it… something feels off, that what you've been holding space for in your life
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Priya Sudarsanam: now no longer feels right. So, like I said, I was in a very toxic relationship for 5 years.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And that relationship was fine.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I was holding space for a lot of bad stuff that was happening in relationships until it wasn't fine, because it was that nudge, it was that, I don't like this anymore, I don't like this anymore. It was just that voice in my head that kept saying, I don't like this anymore, I don't want to do this anymore, and it started creating tension, it started creating…
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Priya Sudarsanam: friction within the relationship, and then even with my job at that time, I was full-time speech therapist.
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Priya Sudarsanam: it was that I don't like this anymore. I found myself going to homes and working with children and thinking to myself, ugh, don't worry, they'll get talking. They're fine. In my head, meanwhile, I had to do the therapy, and so then it's…
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Priya Sudarsanam: it… it was, for me, as I'm talking about it with you right now, it was this, I don't like this anymore. And, I've always felt stuff, I'm really connected to my body now, but I've always felt stuff in my gut. I've always…
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Priya Sudarsanam: And that's where I would always feel it. It was just this chronic anxiety that I've dealt with for so long, and I think maybe I had that my whole life, because I've always had gut issues, I've always had that anxiety in my stomach, and I never listened to it until I decided I'm going to start listening to it. I think also.
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Priya Sudarsanam: You want to start listening to those nudges, because I had that before the head injury.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And it wasn't listening. And so the universe was like, alright, knock you upside the head, I'm not gonna kill you, but I'm gonna definitely try and wake you up, and… and it was a wake-up. It was a wake-up to all of those things. So, yeah, I think it's…
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Priya Sudarsanam: If, as we connect more to our bodies.
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Priya Sudarsanam: connect more to, you know, everybody's talking about soul work, but that soul is really that connection to your… that… your deeper part of yourself, and when you start to… when you're disconnected from it.
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Priya Sudarsanam: The same things are happening, and when you connect to it, you're just like, I can't do this anymore.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, I think it's,
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Sarah Curnoles: it's important to figure out what are those nudges. I think Oprah always says, it's like, at first the universe whispers to you, and if you don't listen, it throws a pebble to get your attention, and eventually it's gonna throw a boulder. So for you, it was this head injury, was the boulder, and hopefully.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Mostly most of.
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Sarah Curnoles: don't have to get that far. But we have to start paying attention to what our
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Sarah Curnoles: what are the nudges for me? Like, you said, yours is your gut. Like, your gut talks to you. Mine, I started noticing stuff like…
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Sarah Curnoles: I realized my job wasn't the right fit anymore, because I would be spending 20 minutes scrolling Instagram in the parking lot, like, before even going in in the morning, and I'd be.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Walking.
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Sarah Curnoles: in late, and I wouldn't care.
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Sarah Curnoles: And once or twice is fine, like, sometimes you do that once in a while, but it was, like, every day for weeks that I was doing that. I was like, well, this might be trying to tell me something. Maybe I don't want to be going to this anymore, or what am I… what am I not listening to? Maybe it's not that clear, but…
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Sarah Curnoles: what needs to shift here? And so finding what that nudge might be for people, it's gonna be different for everybody, right?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I could totally relate to that. That parking lot was me, before going into a visit, thinking, ugh, I don't want to… I don't want to do speech.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I don't want to do this. They're gonna talk. I don't care. When you start to say, I don't care, and it's your career, that's…
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Sarah Curnoles: career that's so impactful. Like, you're having a huge impact and, like, making a difference for people in their lives, of giving them their voice, and when you're like, I don't care, yeah, that's a sign.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And it was, it was essentially just…
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Priya Sudarsanam: Giving from an empty cup was.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: empty, completely empty, because I… even if I didn't get married, I didn't have kids, but I was devoted in that relationship, I was doing everything for my family, just giving, giving, giving, giving, giving, and I never did anything for myself. If I did, there was always some kind of guilt.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: What do you think… is… What's at stake?
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Sarah Curnoles: When women don't listen to their own voice.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Oh my gosh, there's so much…
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Priya Sudarsanam: at stake, I mean, we're so limited on our time.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So…
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Priya Sudarsanam: One of the catalysts for big change in my life is, okay, I went through this healing process, I'm… I'm… I'm…
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Priya Sudarsanam: addressing all of these things, doing all of the work, got out of the relationship. Okay, now I'm going to get in touch with this friend that I lost touch with.
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Priya Sudarsanam: That person had died. I'm gonna get in touch with this person. That person had died. So for me, I feel like the biggest thing that we lose is time, because we are so limited on time. So now.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I hold on to my time. I had a guest on my podcast say, I hold on to my time, my joy, like it's Fort Knox. Well, I hold on to my time like it's Fort Knox, and I think that's the biggest thing, is that…
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Priya Sudarsanam: We don't want to get to a place where we're thinking, oh, it's too late. I could have done this.
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Priya Sudarsanam: You know, we have… even at midlife, you know, if you're navigating perimenopause, you're around 40, maybe, and we've got a whole other second act of life that we get to live.
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Priya Sudarsanam: In a way that we want to, and so… We're missing out on…
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Priya Sudarsanam: Maybe career changes, maybe something… there's a… there's a talent within ourselves that we didn't even know about. I've always wanted to play music, but I can't… I don't know how to read music. I didn't know how to play traditional music, but I found a joy in sound healing.
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Priya Sudarsanam: there's… there's languages that we can learn, there's people that we can connect with. I have a whole completely different circle of friends now that I would never have had before. So I feel that that…
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Priya Sudarsanam: What we can lose?
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Priya Sudarsanam: there's so many… there's so many things that we can list out. I think the biggest thing is also just sitting in this place of…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I talked about this on one of my, my, YouTube Shorts yesterday, is Kobayashi Maru from Star Trek, the yeah, but. Well, I'm in this relationship, yeah, but.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I can't do this on my own. I've got this career, I went to college, I spent $60,000 on university, yeah, but I can't get out of it because I spent that much money. So there's always this…
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Priya Sudarsanam: it… it…
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Priya Sudarsanam: it keeps you in that cycle. So, but… and that was a long answer to your question, but I feel like the biggest thing for me is the time.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Because we just don't know how much time we have left on this earth, and we should not be wasting it.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, and I think,
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Sarah Curnoles: There's something… there's something about this conversation that feels so important when we talk about it with time.
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Sarah Curnoles: of…
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Sarah Curnoles: we always say, at least I know when I'm coaching people, it's like, you're not… you don't know what you don't know, and you don't know it until you know it, and everything has its own journey, and it takes all of us… it's our own timeline of when we wake up to certain things, but…
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Sarah Curnoles: This feels really important to me. I don't know if I'm getting this nudge because there's gonna be somebody listening to this that's like, oh, this conversation is helping me see things in a new way.
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Sarah Curnoles: So, thank you so much for the work that you do. I just wanted to say that, of, like, how important it is
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Sarah Curnoles: To be having conversations like this, so that women can listen, so that they can start asking themselves those big questions, like,
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Sarah Curnoles: Am I… am I silencing myself in my life? Am I, you know, going along with the flow when I'm actually not happy, when I'm actually not fulfilled, or this isn't what I wanted? And I haven't been questioning what other options are out there?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, and I felt… I had a lot of fear around being myself in front of my family, because I.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Probably the good.
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Priya Sudarsanam: the Indian role, and now I'm just myself. I… I…
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Priya Sudarsanam: shock my parents with the… I'm 50, and my parents are close to 80, and I shock them with the things that I say, because I'm not muting myself. I'm, you know, I'm respectful of them still, but I get to be myself, and I see that that brings them a lot of joy, and I… I always was…
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Priya Sudarsanam: scared that, they were gonna say, oh, you shouldn't be doing this, or you shouldn't be doing that. Now I see that they're bragging about me to other people, which…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I never would have thought that that was gonna happen. It changed the dynamic, so that was another thing, is once I owned it, when I was sitting on this fence of, you know, teeter-tottering, like, oh, I don't know who I am, I don't… that was reflected in my life, too, and how my people were… were interacting with me.
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Sarah Curnoles: speaking to me of, like, where I am with my mom right now, and I'm like, I'm considering a cross-country move so that I can establish myself without the fear of how my mom's gonna respond.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, but… and I'm totally, like, I am on that fence right now. I was scared of, like, what's she gonna say? But hearing you say that, I'm like, I know that she… she would be shocked at first, right? Of, like, this isn't how you've always been, because I've been playing a role.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: But she would get to the point where she's proud of me, where she's bragging. Like, it's so funny, you're describing me perfectly right now.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, it's, it's, it's…
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Priya Sudarsanam: it's pretty awesome to see that I don't have to hide my tattoos in front of my family, like… I mean, I was… I was sitting with my parents, it's just funny, and they're… I had a tank top on, and they're…
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Priya Sudarsanam: Looking at my arms and saying where my next one should be.
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Sarah Curnoles: Oh, okay.
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Priya Sudarsanam: wow, this is really cool! I've got these two Indian parents, grew up from India, like, very conservative, and they're helping me to plan my next tattoo. Like, that… I would never… that, like, that is such a really cool representation about what it means to unmute and just start… you have to own it.
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Priya Sudarsanam: you have to own it.
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Sarah Curnoles: How do you… how do you help women when they come to you and they're asking those questions, like, who am I now, or, like, where do I want to go? It's a big question. How do you help them to own…
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Sarah Curnoles: their voice.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So, first, when they come to me, it's finding out where they are right now.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And… and that's always the biggest thing, because we have to know where we're starting, and actually getting clear on the thing. So you, I mean, it could be done in so many different ways, and just… I… for me, it started with rating my life. Where am I in all these different areas of life? Relationships, passion, purpose, and I was a 10 in everything.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And I was like, something's up, because I can't be a 10, because I've got that nudge that I don't like this. And then I started journaling, and really getting clear on all the things, and I was like, this is crap, this is crap, I can't stand this, and I allowed myself, my voice, to actually voice what I was
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Priya Sudarsanam: not happy with, which… and that's… that's the thing. I think a lot of the women feel that they can't communicate, no, I don't want to do this, no, I don't like this, and so that's where we start, honestly, is really getting clear.
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Priya Sudarsanam: like I said, I started, and I had nothing on paper, and then
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Priya Sudarsanam: I just let myself do it, and I got clear, I got honest.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I gave myself permission to be honest with myself, and then I had 20 pages back in front of things that I was like, I can't tolerate this anymore, I can't do this anymore, and… and had a nice little burning ceremony in the backyard. But as… that's,
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Priya Sudarsanam: that's how I start with women, is you… knowing where you want to be, and then also knowing where you want, or knowing where you are, and then knowing where you want to be, and knowing that that is possible. So I think that a lot of the women that I come in feel
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Priya Sudarsanam: desperate, feel like they don't have that hope, they don't see any potential, they think, I have to stay in this job. But then.
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Priya Sudarsanam: they say that one thing, I've always wanted to be a massage therapist, and it's like, let's go with that. Let's go with that, because that was your nudge, telling you you've always wanted to do something that you didn't do.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So, yeah, I mean, that's… that's a little bit of how we get started.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And it's a painful process. When you start to admit out loud
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Priya Sudarsanam: Of where you currently are that you're not happy with?
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Priya Sudarsanam: it's devastating. I find it traumatic. I find… I mean, I went through it, and with the women that I work with, those first sessions are very tearful, because you're…
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Priya Sudarsanam: it's the grief of… there's so many different layers of grief that you're going through, too. Grief of, hey, I wanted this before and I didn't do it, or grief that this is never going to happen, and so it's just moving through those, and then once there's that glimpse of hope, yeah, I want to be a massage therapist.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Then, there's a new trajectory that we get to move forward in.
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Sarah Curnoles: You said so many interesting things in that. It was,
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Sarah Curnoles: You know, and something I help people with of… when they do some… it's the same thing, right? They might come to me and be like, it's at a 10! And I'll start with, like.
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Sarah Curnoles: okay, what if this thing that you think is a 10, what if that's only a 2? What if your life could be even better than this? Just to start wiggling, right? Because I think there's a lot of pain of, if I admit there's something wrong, I'm gonna have to do something about it. Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I always… I start there, right? Like, you don't have to change anything.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? Just because you see it doesn't mean you have to change it, you have the option to change it.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? You could… you could look at… I mean…
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Sarah Curnoles: you… I'll use myself as an example, right? Of, like, I wasn't happy in Baltimore anymore.
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Sarah Curnoles: And for a long time, I was like, I'm not happy here, but I don't want to leave yet. And so that was the choice I made of, this isn't my place, and I'm gonna choose to stay for a little bit. Just because I'm not happy doesn't mean I have to pick up and leave right this second.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I get to choose…
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Sarah Curnoles: when I make the change. But it starts with telling the truth.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I agree. And I love what you said about that you made a choice. That's another thing, is…
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Priya Sudarsanam: we get to choose, and I think a lot of women at this place feel like they never had a choice.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And… and once you feel that…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I don't know if the word is autonomy, that, hey, I can make choices in my life, it starts to…
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Priya Sudarsanam: just create different pathways. I remember during this process, I could literally feel… plus I was dealing with the head injury, but I could literally feel, like, little pathways being formed because I was thinking differently about how I wanted my life to be.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. Yeah. And for all of these reasons that we're discussing, which is why I say that breakups and divorces, especially in midlife, it's like a portal for your transformation. Because even though sometimes you are thrust into that change, maybe you didn't choose it.
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Sarah Curnoles: you have to get really honest with where am I right now, and where do I want to go?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And,
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Sarah Curnoles: It… for a lot of people, it can be that boulder of, like, it's the wake-up call of, you gotta look at this now, you gotta… you gotta make a decision.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? And so it's this opportunity, it's this door for people to say.
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Sarah Curnoles: Am I living the life that feels most authentic to me?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, I love that. I love that. When, you know, you're talking about breakups, I stayed in that relationship because I was over 40. I think I can't even remember how old I was by the time the relationship was over, but there was so much fear. But when I do, I'm too old. I, like…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I still had a desire to have children at that point, and it's like, but I've got this in front of me, like, I've gotta… there was urgency that I was creating that… and that…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I had to let go of. And then also, I think for women, we have to understand that maybe the things that we desired
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Priya Sudarsanam: like I always said when I was 5… from when I was 5, I always wanted children. I have the twin gene. Nobody else in my family has had twins, and I've always said that I had the twin gene, and because my uncles are twins, and
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Priya Sudarsanam: I didn't have children, and I… we had… I had to go through this intense grief process that…
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Priya Sudarsanam: grieving the child that I never had. And so, I think that a lot of women stay in things.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Thinking that… because it's so painful to go through the grief if you don't have that, and to come to terms with it.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, and…
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Sarah Curnoles: I mean, it's also why you and I work with people that we do, like, don't go through that grief alone.
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Sarah Curnoles: It can feel really scary and overwhelming when you go through it by yourself, and I know personally, that was what was transformational for me, was I did it with a group of women. I was in a women's embodiment group.
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Sarah Curnoles: And, I don't even know if I've told this story on my… my own podcast.
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Sarah Curnoles: I was in a women's embodiment group, so, like, a lot of grief was coming up, and it was probably 6 months after my breakup, and I had a massage with this woman from Japan, and so she had a lot of Eastern…
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Sarah Curnoles: Knowledge and wisdom that she was bringing to her massage practice, and she hit some point on me, and she goes, oh, you have a lot of grief.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Ugh.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I was like.
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Sarah Curnoles: But I've been… I feel like I've been crying for 6 months and letting go, and like, I feel like I'm in a good place, but I also knew, like, that intuitive hit, I was like, she's right. She's right.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Right.
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Sarah Curnoles: It was all of my unfelt grief from every other point. It wasn't about the breakup anymore, it was my unfelt grief that I'd been carrying for years.
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Sarah Curnoles: And, that… I think that's why grief can feel so big and overwhelming and scary to do on your own, because oftentimes it comes like a train of.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: I have the first car, and then it pulls with it all the other grief, and it's…
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Sarah Curnoles: it feels really big, and luckily, I was in this group of women that I had people that I could cry with, and they could tell me it'd be okay, and they could see me, and love me as I was. But it…
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Sarah Curnoles: Obviously, I hadn't done it.
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Sarah Curnoles: By myself, up to that point.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: So, yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And I think it… We'd need to give ourselves permission to feel that grief.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right.
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Priya Sudarsanam: at that… That grief doesn't mean…
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Priya Sudarsanam: is not just limited to loss of person, physical person, that somebody has died, that that grief can be in so many different areas, like loss of your own self, and I think a lot of people that I've spoken to talk themselves out of
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Priya Sudarsanam: feeling that grief, because somebody hasn't died. So therefore, I don't have the right to feel this grief, and I definitely know I was in dynamics that…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I felt like I was in a competition of who had the monopoly for grief, because one person had lost a person out of death, and I had lost a person not from death. It was a breakup. And so then it became a competition, and I didn't feel like I had the right to feel grief. So I think that that's a huge part for women. Women need to
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Priya Sudarsanam: Give themselves permission.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. Yeah, what's that saying? There's no such thing as comparative grief.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? Grief is grief. Like, it doesn't…
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Priya Sudarsanam: grief.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: We don't have to compare it to anybody else's.
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Sarah Curnoles: You're allowed to have… yeah, you're allowed to have it.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: If we were to pivot and fast-forward, right, to, like.
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Sarah Curnoles: a woman who's worked with you for a while, and she feels like she's unmuted herself, and she's using her voice. What does that look like?
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Priya Sudarsanam: The… I just spoke to somebody, a client yesterday, she goes, I feel free.
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Sarah Curnoles: Hmm.
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Priya Sudarsanam: free. Just this inner sense of freedom. There's all of these little…
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Priya Sudarsanam: things, they felt like they were in a prison in their own body, in their own mind. So, and, and it's…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I think the biggest thing is the discernment. So even though they're faced with the same situations that may have pulled them down in the past, they're faced with those situations that are able to say.
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Priya Sudarsanam: nope, I'm doing something differently. This is not about me, this is about the other person. I'm going to choose to do things differently. And so there's a sense of real freedom in knowing that that
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Priya Sudarsanam: They can grieve what has happened.
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Priya Sudarsanam: But they can also decide not to react, to respond, and to say.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Nope, I know exactly who I am. And I think that that's the biggest thing, is that feeling of knowing who they are.
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Priya Sudarsanam: and knowing…
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Priya Sudarsanam: That all of these things that have happened in their life are cumulative to their story, and that they are who they are because of those things. So they don't have to discount any of those things, but they also don't have to be prisoner to them anymore.
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Priya Sudarsanam: The biggest thing is speaking up.
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Priya Sudarsanam: They can assert themselves, and then unmuting and speaking up is not just about, like, thumping your chest and being like, I'm here, hear me roar, you know? It's about actually being able to say something, say something confidently, and it could be a one-word thing, but you say it with confidence, and no.
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Sarah Curnoles: And the word that keeps coming up through this conversation is choice.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? And I feel like choice and freedom go hand in hand, because sometimes freedom feels almost abstract. We say we want it, but we don't really know what it looks like.
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Sarah Curnoles: And I think… Probably one of the most tangible ways to see freedom is the choices.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: The choices that you have, the choices that you make, that's freedom.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's…
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Priya Sudarsanam: The… Choice is such a small word, but it's… that's such a big influence on our life, and so when we…
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Priya Sudarsanam: And make those choices. To step away, to walk away, to actually lean in, to say, I'm gonna go out and meet this person, I have a new friend, those things are huge.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, exactly.
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Priya Sudarsanam: One of the other things that, you know, because a lot of the work that I do is energetic, too, and so it's… people feel like they've been carrying this thing
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Priya Sudarsanam: Their whole life, and there's been no way to get rid of it.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And if they… if it has… whether it's an energy, whether it's a feeling, or a heaviness.
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Priya Sudarsanam: that nothing has worked to actually get rid of it permanently, and so when I work with them, and I'm like, nope, it's not gonna come back.
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Priya Sudarsanam: You're good, and I can say confidently they're… they're blown away that, hey, I'm actually really good. This has not come back. This is… so it's actually listening to that, that's the somatic work, listening to your body and knowing that you can shift it.
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Sarah Curnoles: Absolutely.
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Sarah Curnoles: You had mentioned your client yesterday saying, like, I feel free. Could you maybe paint the picture of somebody's journey that, you know, where was she before, and then, where was she after?
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Sarah Curnoles: What does that look like?
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Priya Sudarsanam: She came to me because, her child pretty much gave her an ultimatum that
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Priya Sudarsanam: Therapy. You need to go to therapy, or else? And… Okay.
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Priya Sudarsanam: She… which is not the best, which is not great, but… and she had tried therapy, and she didn't like it. Kept her in a cycle, and it didn't resolve anything. And so, she thought, hey, you know what? I know you, I trust you.
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Priya Sudarsanam: therapy, put that in quotes. I'm gonna just… I'm gonna try a session with you, and then…
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Priya Sudarsanam: And we did a session together, and…
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Priya Sudarsanam: there was instant transformation. So where she was, it was a lot of childhood trauma, a lot of wounds, and not having a voice in her marriage, not having a voice with her children. Obviously, if you're given an ultimatum, you don't have a voice, and just this lack of confidence about
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Priya Sudarsanam: who she is, what she's here to do. Always, I mean, chronic people pleaser.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And even though it would hit her in her gut every time she did something to please the other person, she would feel it, like, I don't want to do this, this is not me.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So, a couple of sessions, and then we actually ended up working together for 3 months, and…
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Priya Sudarsanam: I could see it on screen. We were working on Zoom, and it was amazing to see her. She said, yes, the situation came up, the same situation that we started with when we first did that first session, and she said, no, I just said to… confidently, I'm not going to do this. I don't want to do this.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And I asked her, how did you… how did you feel? She goes, oh my gosh, that was absolutely incredible. I've never done that. The fact that she had said, I don't want to do this.
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Priya Sudarsanam: She had never done that in her life, and so that… That was huge.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Today, fast forward, it's been about a year since we've worked together, and we're still in touch. She's constantly saying, working with you, I mean, I was able to get past this thing.
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Priya Sudarsanam: that I've never been able to get past, and… and something traumatic happened a couple of days ago, she was able to move past it, and actually sit through it, and then when I talked to her yesterday, she goes, I'm okay, this has nothing to do with me.
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Sarah Curnoles: Hmm.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So… I think when person… when a person starts with me, they're like, there's this thing.
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Priya Sudarsanam: They can't put the words on the things, but at the end of it, it's really about
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Priya Sudarsanam: I can… I can speak up for myself. I can advocate for myself.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: And what I'm hearing under… like, under this. There's, like, a journey that's happening under the surface.
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Sarah Curnoles: It's a…
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Sarah Curnoles: it's like a comfort with the familiar of not speaking up, right? Like, that's like the comfort zone, and there's a lot of fear of any time that we're gonna step out of our comfort zone.
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Sarah Curnoles: So it's like this journey of, that was really comfortable for me, she was given this ultimatum, so she had to step out of her comfort zone.
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Sarah Curnoles: And then there's almost, like, this reckoning with the truth.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yes.
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Sarah Curnoles: Which is very uncomfortable.
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Sarah Curnoles: But, if you stay with it, if you stay with the truth, and you keep going after it, that becomes your new comfort zone.
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Sarah Curnoles: Like, it's not exactly like it becomes easy overnight, but…
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Sarah Curnoles: There comes a point where it's more comfortable to say the thing that's true than to betray yourself.
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Priya Sudarsanam: white.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Oh, and she got another ultimatum recently, and prior, she would have done it. I mean, obviously, she started with me because of that ultimatum, and…
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Priya Sudarsanam: And, when I spoke to her, she goes, no. And even her husband was telling her, you should just do it, just to make her happy. She goes, no, I am not going to do that. I don't do well at ultimatums, and you don't get to tell me.
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Priya Sudarsanam: what I need to do. This is about you, and I'm here for you when the time is right. And I felt so proud of her.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Because it's really about the person finding that within themselves. I'm not telling them what to say, I'm not telling them to do.
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Priya Sudarsanam: You have… they have to be comfortable with the… with the process.
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Priya Sudarsanam: For themselves.
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Sarah Curnoles: That's really… that's really awesome. Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Hmm.
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Sarah Curnoles: I think it's, I hope I didn't oversimplify it with my comfort truth.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Not at all.
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Sarah Curnoles: Like, did I just make that too easy? Because I still struggle with it. I still struggle with it all the time. It's not like the truth is automatically easy.
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Sarah Curnoles: But, yeah.
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Priya Sudarsanam: But, somebody… it's about that awareness.
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Priya Sudarsanam: and becoming aware of yourself, because I think, like I said, we're probably coasting through those first 40 years of our life on autopilot.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Doing things unconsciously. So once you become aware, then you start to take those action steps.
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Priya Sudarsanam: that help you… and help you go in the direction that you want, and you never know what direction you're going in, but then, I think also, if the first step that you said, I mean, if you're doing that thing that's uncomfortable.
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Priya Sudarsanam: You just get more comfortable doing the uncomfortable, and you know that it's… that when something uncomfortable comes up, it's the… that is the thing that is going to be the catalyst for change.
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Priya Sudarsanam: in your life, yeah. So, definitely not simplified. You, you said it actually…
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Priya Sudarsanam: quite beautifully. You said it in a way that I couldn't.
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Sarah Curnoles: So, if somebody's listening to this, and…
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Sarah Curnoles: they're… they've just gone through a breakup, and they realize, like, man, I've been on mute in my own life, this is my opportunity.
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Sarah Curnoles: Right? I can unmute myself. What would you… what would you say is the first step?
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Priya Sudarsanam: So, I think the first step, really get clear for yourself. You don't have to do the rating scale in every area of your life, but really get clear.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Where your life is, and it always is helpful to categorize it, so start with, are you always, you know, relationships, career, family, break it up into any category that you want, and then really start to
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Priya Sudarsanam: Write down, where are you in those? And be honest. Be honest. And when you get that nudge, if you write something down and say, I have the most amazing relationship.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Which I did, and I didn't.
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Priya Sudarsanam: I actually went back to it and looked at it and said.
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Priya Sudarsanam: No, get… get real and say, this is the most toxic thing that I'm in. I deserve better. I… I want a relationship where I have this. There's no rules to how you have to journal. Journaling is really great because… and I don't do it enough, I'm getting a nice little nudge here that, Priya, you need to journal. But, it really allows that brain to dump.
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Priya Sudarsanam: your subconscious to dump. And you'll be shocked.
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Priya Sudarsanam: At how much you actually write when you give yourself permission to do that.
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Priya Sudarsanam: just write out all the things in every category. If it's career, I'm so unhappy in my job, I want to be making this much money, I want to do this, I want that, and, you know, get…
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Priya Sudarsanam: Give yourself permission to say what you want.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And… and so that… that would be the first step in… because you… like I said, and we talked about this earlier, is you don't know where you want to go if you don't know where you are right now.
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Priya Sudarsanam: And then from that, you're going to start
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Priya Sudarsanam: I won't… I won't deny that it might actually stir up a lot within you that you're… especially if it's multiple areas of your life, that you're saying, I'm not happy with any of this.
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Priya Sudarsanam: But also, just know this is just the start.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So…
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Priya Sudarsanam: there is a light at the other end of the tunnel. There's a complete light, and it's… and it's… you just have absolutely no clue where it's gonna go, but that's where to start.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, yeah, you can't, your GPS doesn't work
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Sarah Curnoles: Work if it doesn't know where you're starting.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, I love that.
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Sarah Curnoles: to locate you first.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Exactly.
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Sarah Curnoles: You have to locate yourself first on the map before you get directions to where you want to go.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah.
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Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. Hmm. So,
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Sarah Curnoles: This is Breakup Pep Talks. Do you have a pep talk for a woman going through a breakup?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Oof.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Be gentle with yourself.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Be really gentle with yourself,
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Priya Sudarsanam: And regardless of if it was a month relationship, if it was a 5-year, if it was a 10-year, regardless of the time, what you're feeling is valid.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Nobody has the monopoly on this, so don't compare yourself to just… even if it's a short amount of time, because
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Priya Sudarsanam: Loss is loss.
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Priya Sudarsanam: So… Be gentle with yourself, and…
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Priya Sudarsanam: know that you have amazing supports around you. You don't have to do it alone, as well. So, you got an amazing coach in Sarah, and you, and so,
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Priya Sudarsanam: You don't have to do it alone.
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Sarah Curnoles: Amazing. And if people are really resonating with you, how can they find you?
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Priya Sudarsanam: Yeah, so you can go to my website, it's www.
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Priya Sudarsanam: my name, Priyasudharsanam.com, which is long. There you can opt in to my… to be on my mailing list, and every Sunday at 11 a.m. Mountain Standard Time, it's 10 Pacific, I've been told I need to say the time zones.
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Priya Sudarsanam: 1 Eastern. I host, it's called the M-Files, and it's just a free Zoom. We get together, and M-Files, that's a spin on the X-Files, and it's the menopause Files, and we just talk about all things related. It's not even just… sometimes we will talk about the physical things that we feel.
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Priya Sudarsanam: navigating this period, but it's really about all of the stuff that's unspoken that we talk about. So, and then also mindset… mindset shifts and hacks that we can take to really shift into this next life. So, that is a free Zoom, and you can register there on my website as well.
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Sarah Curnoles: Amazing. Thank you so much. Thanks so much for bringing all your wisdom and all your gifts here to the audience. I appreciate you so much, Priya.
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Priya Sudarsanam: Thank you, Sarah, for having me. This has been an amazing conversation.
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Sarah Curnoles: Awesome.