In this episode of Breakup Peptalks, Sarah shares why detaching from your ex feels so hard — and why it’s not your fault but your biology. She explains how dopamine, serotonin, and even “emotional muscle memory” keep you hooked, and how to rewire your brain for neutrality instead of obsession. With practical tools like journaling, nourishing routines, and celebrating small wins, Sarah shows you how to unhook from the past and free up your energy for what’s next.
Come over to Instagram and DM me the one thing you're going drop this week so you can unhook from your ex. https://www.instagram.com/sarahcurnoles/
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah KLEs, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:44)
Hello, my friends. Welcome to breakup pep talks. This is Sarah Kernels, certified life coach and your breakup bestie, helping you get through this difficult period while saving hopefully your sanity and restoring your heart so that you can find love again in your life. And whether that love is for family, friends, your dreams, your love of travel, and seeing new places or your love of a new partner, someday, I'm here for all of it and all of that becomes possible once we move past this attachment to your ex, right? And so today we're talking about something really important. We're talking about detaching and decreasing your desire for that person. This is one of the key points that I help every single one of my private clients with because it's also something that we think happens just naturally. If I wait long enough, then I just eventually will stop wanting to be with them.
(01:48)
And I suppose that on some level that's true. It's just how long do you want to wait for that to happen. For me, that took a really long time if I just let time run its course, because I am somebody that really loves deeply. I attach deeply when I like somebody, and it was really hard for me to let go and move on until I figured out an actual system and I figured out that the problem isn't me. It's not me. There's nothing wrong with me. It's the fact that I was keeping myself attached to my ex. And I kept thinking that if I solve me as a problem, which is what I thought the answer was, I thought I was not good enough, that I was a bad romantic partner, that I was too anxious or too needy. I thought that if I could just be the cool girl and the perfect girlfriend and I never had any problems or needs or anything that was unusual, if I could get that all to go away, then they would want me back and I would stay hung up on my exes for a long, long, long, long time, much longer than I like to admit.
(03:08)
And so this process of detachment was very hard for me until I figured it out. So I'm going to help you today and hopefully make your learning curve a little bit shorter than mine was. And I want you to know, and I'm starting off here because I want you to know if you are still feeling like you're attached to your ex, you're still feeling that pull towards them of I wonder what they're doing, or I wonder who they're with. I wonder if they miss me. There's nothing wrong with you. You're not failing. You don't suck at breakups. You are still just feeling attachment to your ex, and that is totally normal, and we're going to go over Y. That's normal. So I want you to know that you are totally human. There's nothing wrong with you. We don't have to fix anything. We are just going to do a little bit of rewiring in your biology and in your brain so that you just want to be with them less.
(04:07)
Makes sense? Sound good? You with me still? Maybe you're going. I don't know how you're going to do that, Sarah. That sounds impossible, but it's actually there is some science involved so you don't have to worry too much about how there is a lot of science that we're going to talk about. I'm going to keep it as simple as possible. So a relationship can create emotional muscle memory. I want you to think about it that way. Just like driving, you don't have to think about anymore or brushing your teeth or anything else that you do over and over and over again. There is an element of muscle memory to it so that you don't have to keep thinking about it. This is a function of your brain because to do something new to change takes a lot of brain power and it can be exhausting.
(04:56)
And so our bodies and our brains are always trying to be as efficient as possible. So when you do something over and over and over again, it's going to move it to a part of your brain where it just becomes muscle memory and it doesn't take so much effort or focus or thinking. So your relationship has been put into that muscle memory part of your brain. So thinking about them is normal and natural, wondering what they're doing or seeing something funny and wanting to share it. All of those moments of connection is stored as muscle memory. And so now that that connection is no longer there, the muscle memory is still there, that loop is still going of, but we're supposed to reach out and talk to them. Right now, we're supposed to be texting to say goodnight. Your brain thinks, wait, what's happening? I haven't caught up yet.
(05:56)
We still have this old pattern. What do you mean that we're doing something new? Okay, so it's like, well, for example, I've been living in England and I rented a car, so my muscle memory is for driving on the right hand side of the road. But I was here and I had to basically relearn to drive on the left-hand side. And so always having to remember to look to the right because that's where my immediate traffic is coming, if I'm turning left or staying on the left-hand side and going to the left-hand lane when I turn right. All of that took a lot of energy and effort on my part because I wasn't just going on the automatic where I always used to be. So the other thing that gets involved here is that's a lot more emotional element to your relationship than there is to driving.
(06:59)
We have all kinds of chemicals in our body that keep us bonded to that person. So we have these neurotransmitters in our brain that maybe you've heard of. We've got dopamine, we've got serotonin, and we've got others like norepinephrine that is more active now than it probably would've been in your relationship. So dopamine is the neurotransmitter that sends messages of pleasure and reward through your cells. Serotonin is about feeling calm. It's about feeling. It's also actually it's connected to obsession. So the neurotransmitters that were active while you were in your relationship, you had this dopamine of every time you checked your phone and you had a message from them that's a dopamine hit. You would get this pleasure activated. And for some people that pleasure can be really intense. I'm one of those people that my dopamine can get really intense, which gets me really hooked to something. So I want you to think the more intense the reward, the more that your brain is going to wire for that.
(08:27)
So if you get a big rush of reward every time they text you or every time they kissed you or anything like that, right, you're going to have a strong tie to keep checking your phone to see if, am I going to get another dopamine hit? Did they message me? That's just part of biology. Now, you're also going to have these other neurotransmitters that are activated like norepinephrine, which is your stress response. So right now you are in an extreme stress response. So it is keeping you hyper alert, hyper-focused, and it is keeping you on edge in case you are going to have to fight or run away. So that is being activated because your relationship was kind of like your home base for a long time. It was your normal, your every day, your homeostasis, and now that home base is gone, so your body is reacting like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I don't know what my homeostasis is anymore. Everybody be on high alert and we're going to feel a lot of stress right now. So you might be feeling a lot of anxiety. That is also totally normal. A lot of people tell me their heart is racing for months after their breakup. It's because your system doesn't know where home is anymore and it's on high alert because it's trying to figure that out. So you're basically in alarm mode because your anchor to safety is gone and you haven't replaced it yet.
(10:06)
So I want you to know that all of your biology right now is contributing to you feeling anxious to you, feeling uneasy to you, feeling obsessed. If you feel like you keep checking their social media, if you have this intense urge to reach out and call or text them, if you feel like you're swinging your moods from extreme hope of maybe that we'll get back together to extreme despair, that is also normal. It's because your brain is recalibrating and your body is recalibrating. So I share all this to let you know a little bit about the biology so you can understand what is happening for you right now is totally normal. And if that's happening, those extreme mood swings if checking their social media is still happening for you if you're still wanting to call them and text them all the time. If you're rereading those old text messages and looking at pictures and if you're feeling an extreme rush when they do text you and you feel a crash every time they don't, those are all signs that you are still feeling attached and you haven't detached yet.
(11:29)
Because when you detach, you're going to feel neutral. You will not have the big swings, you aren't going to have extreme highs and lows. It is going to be a new normal. So before I go any further, I also want to normalize why some people like myself stay in that phase for a while. We keep that phase of hanging on and being attached for a long time because there's something exciting about the drama of it. Some of us do get a reward from having the high highs and the low lows, even though we don't logically want it. We're like, oh my God, when is this going to be over? But on a subconscious level, we really secretly get off on the rollercoaster of it all. I am offering that because I've been thinking about that a lot lately for myself. And maybe that's you too. And I want you to know you're not alone. If deep down you're secretly, you're like, oh, that's the excitement of it all. The drama of it all is a lot of fun. I really like it. You're not alone, my friend. I'm right there with you. And if you stay attached and you hang onto the drama, just know you are doing it for a reason. Doesn't mean you like the reason or approve of the reason, but there's something subconscious going on that is keeping you hooked.
(13:11)
And so it can help to do a little journaling around that. What is the secret reason why I am keeping myself hooked and attached to this relationship? What is the hidden benefit of that? What am I scared to admit to myself or ashamed to admit to myself? And it's totally okay. So if you're ready to detach, we're going to get into it. How do you detach, right? There's something that we do a little bit naturally, but also a little bit on purpose. When we are attaching to somebody, you stay in regular contact, you get a rush and you feel great when you kiss them and you hold hands and you get intimate, right? All of that stuff builds an attachment. You create inside jokes, you do stuff together, so you share memories. All of that is the process of attachment. So that means there's also a process to detach.
(14:19)
So here are some things that you can do that can begin to start the process of detaching. The first thing I want you to do is start paying attention to when you're in fantasy mode. Fantasy mode is one of the biggest ways we stay attached or hooked into our past, and that's going to look like replaying memories and bringing those memories up and reliving them and feeling those good old days. Or even if you bring up the memories on purpose to feel sad, both of those count as keeping attached. I want you to notice when you bring up those memories and you can validate like, Hey, I see you self. I see you bringing up that memory to keep attached to the past, but that's living in the past. I choose to let go of this. I choose to release this and live in the present.
(15:26)
You may also find it useful to some people do find it useful to remove any kind of fuel to the fire. So if it helps you to delete them from your phone to block them on social media so that you're not getting the alerts and you're not feeling tempted to check on, I wonder what they're doing, remove reminders from your calendar. Hide the photos so that they don't pop up in the memories of this day. It's okay if you need to do that for a little while. In order for you to disconnect from the past, I want you to also start to rewire your dopamine. So some people choose to rewire their dopamine by jumping into bed with somebody really quickly, which I don't really advocate for because when we are using another person in order to feel good, I don't necessarily feel like that's a win-win for everybody. But you can rewire where you get your dopamine from. You used to get dopamine from your partner. You can invest more time with your friends, invest more time with your family, invest time with a pet. If you don't have a pet, talk to a friend. Ask if you can take their dog for a walk. Ask if you can come over and cuddle with their pet. Volunteer at an animal shelter.
(17:06)
I got dumped a few days before I was going to visit a friend who had moved to LA and we weren't expecting it at all. I wasn't expecting that to happen. And so when I get there and I'm a total mess, I was going to go and explore the city while she worked and then we were going to hang out in the evenings or whatever. She set me up with binge watching Grey's Anatomy. So I did that. And then she also walked me to this pet store that I've never seen anything like this, but they've got cat cafes if you're a cat person. So this is probably the closest thing of they let the dogs roam free in the store and you could play with them. And I would watch Grey's Anatomy or I would go walk and I would go play with the puppies, and it was bringing me other sources of joy. So rewire where you get your dopamine from. Some people also use food as a source of dopamine. And I say do that with moderation. That's the word I'm looking for. Moderation. There are so many other sources of pleasure in the world, and that could be as simple as spending time in the sunshine, going for long walks, listening to a new book, listening to some new music.
(18:32)
Just explore what brings you pleasure. Do some art. Buy a soft sweater or a blanket cuddling with a stuffed animal. That one came up recently with a client. I do that and so did she. And we had a good laugh about it. So start creating new sources for dopamine for yourself, and then also start focusing more on nourishment. Nourishment is truly taking care of yourself. And even that word just feels so good. I would make myself big bowls of chicken and dumplings or stew because it just felt soothing. So comfort foods are called comfort foods for a reason. They actually are really comforting for you. I created a cozy corner when I moved into my new apartment and I had pillows and blankets and my favorite candle, and I would go there once a night. Sometimes I took my journal, I, maybe it's going to a yoga class or moving your body in soft easy ways feels really nourishing.
(19:50)
And speaking of that, practicing releases through your body is also really healing right now because you have all of those neurotransmitters that are signaling, we're not safe and we're in stress mode, we're in active mode. Finding ways to release that. So you can do that with activity like shaking or jumping can sometimes feel really good as a burst of activity to release it. You might also feel called to be at the softer end. So gentle yoga, like yin yoga or gentle stretching or just long gentle walks. Find where you fit. Some people need the burst of energy outlet. Some people need the gentle soothing stuff. Do what feels good to you and then now is a great time to kick up that journaling habit. Let yourself release your thoughts. Stop holding them in your brain. Your brain is not meant to hang onto thoughts. And when you have ruminating thoughts, that's what's happening.
(21:00)
Your brain is trying to solve all these problems by replaying the same questions over and over, and the same thoughts over and over. Get it out of your head and onto a piece of paper. Just do a brain dump and let it all out so that your brain stops holding it. And what you're going to find if you do this five minutes a day every day, if you do it for a week, you're going to find a lot of the same repeated thoughts. And if you keep doing this practice every day, it's like taking out the trash. You will stop feeling so compelled to ask yourself the same questions or think the same thoughts because you're going to get bored of 'em.
(21:39)
So get 'em out of your brain so that they don't have to keep ruminating around in there. And I want you to celebrate all of your progress. This is another way that you can create new dopamine is through celebration. What do I mean by that? Celebrate the first morning that you wake up and you don't right away. Check to see if he texted you. Celebrate that first day that you go all day without checking her social media. Celebrate when you go five minutes without thinking about your ex, that five minutes. If you celebrate it, that'll become 10 and celebrate that and then it'll become 20 and celebrate that. See what I'm saying? Your brain will remember high points. That's why we like the drama of a roller coaster. We like the highs and we like the lows because our brain is going to remember those. So you have to purposefully create new highs for yourself by celebrating all of your progress. And that is actually how you will start to decrease the amount that you want. That person is by celebrating, I didn't think about them for five minutes. I haven't cried all day. Yay.
(23:06)
Right? This is how you rewire your brain. And you'll find if you practice this, if you practice intentionally redirecting yourself to stay in the present moment, to create new places of pleasure, to celebrate your progress, to look for new connections through friends, family, pets, even work. These new connections are going to build and it is going to create detachment. And remember, detachment just means neutrality. That you are no longer emotionally attached. You're neutral, and that's the goal. So I want you to think, what is one thing that you can remove this week that keeps you hooked on your ex?
(24:07)
And if you were to imagine your life where you are emotionally neutral about them, what does that free up for you? I know for me when I thought about it that way of like, wow, I was spending so much of my mental energy and my time and my mental capacity thinking about him and solving problems for my ex, and then when we broke up, I was thinking about him even more, right? If I imagined my life where I was neutral and I wasn't thinking about 'em all the time, what does that open up? How exciting.
(24:54)
You could learn a new language. You could start a business, you could go for a promotion. You can start a side hustle. I don't know, lots of ideas. Master Pilates, I don't know. Anyway, my brain's already clicking for you, so I'm really excited for you. Detaching is an important step that I feel like people don't talk about often enough. So please feel free to share this with someone. Maybe you're going to share it with a friend and they can be your accountability buddy. You can say, Hey, I'm putting this into practice. Here's where the ideas came from. Can you help hold me accountable to detaching and choosing to unhook from my ex? Or maybe you're going to share it with somebody and be like, Hey, I know you're going through it. This can help. So share this podcast with one person, help someone else move on, because guess what?
(26:07)
Helping others, serving others. It's another hit of dopamine for you. See how I did that? See how I did that for you? Alright, my friends, that is this week's episode. I want to hear from you. Come on over to Instagram. Tell me that one thing that you are taking away this week that is going to help you to unhook from your ex. I want to hear from you. I want to help hold you accountable. Okay? Alright. So that's your episode this week. I can't wait to talk to you more. I can't wait to hear from you. And until next time, take care of yourselves, my friends. I love you lots. All.