Are you stuck replaying your breakup on a loop—thinking about your ex, the last fight, or every red flag you might’ve missed? In this episode, Sarah shares why ruminating thoughts happen, why they don’t actually solve anything, and how to finally break free from the cycle. You’ll learn the powerful first step to stop living in the past, how to reflect without beating yourself up, and the key skills that help you detach, heal, and create a future you’re excited about.
Come over to Instagram and DM me your #1 takeaway from this and I will give you these steps written with journaling prompts!
https://www.instagram.com/sarahcurnoles/
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Hello, my friends, Sarah Kernels here, your breakup bestie. I help people heal their heartbreak and turn their breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. So I caught a bit of a cold over the weekend, so if I have to pause and take a few sips of water, please be patient with me trying to keep the vocal cords hydrated so that I can come through strong with this really, really powerful teaching that I have for you today. I'm really excited to share this, and this came directly out of a question that someone in my meetup group had. So if you haven't joined my free meetup group, please do. I host all kinds of workshops and support circles and coaching opportunities that it's all free. And so it's a really great way to continue learning from me and getting more of these really powerful resources and tools.
(01:42)
So today what we're talking about is how to stop ruminating and thinking about your ex all the time and how to actually move on. So if that's, you are thinking about your ax all the time, if you have ruminating thoughts about that last fight that you guys had where you're picking it apart in your brain and you're trying to figure out what you should have done differently or why you responded in a certain way and you keep thinking back over the relationship looking for all the possible red flags that you might've missed, you're in the right place. I got you because we are going to cut all that out. Starting today. We're going to talk about why those painful rumination loops happen, and we're going to talk about how to stop and change them, which is probably in the top three questions that I get asked the most often.
(02:41)
How do I stop ruminating thoughts? So if that's you, I got you. So what I really want for you is that when you finish listening to this, you feel like you know exactly what to do in order to stop those ruminating thoughts and how to change course for yourself, because I know how painful that is to feel like those thoughts are running your life and they are destroying your mood and your energy. You're going to be able to manage your mind a little bit better because you're going to spend some time with me today and you're going to be able to focus on the parts of your life that really do matter, not your past. You're going to stop living in the past and living in your head and you're going to be able to get back to your life. I hope that sounds like something that you really want because it matters.
(03:36)
And guess what? We're going to do all of this without making your ex the enemy. We don't need to make that person evil or disgusting in order to stop thinking about him. We don't have to do any of that. And the reason why I find this so important, because what I see over and over and over again, the longer you go without stopping these ruminating thoughts, without interrupting them and redirecting it in a better, more powerful, empowering way, I should say, the more likely you are to get to the place where you feel stuck in your own life, where you feel like you're in limbo and you don't know what to do and where you feel like a hollowed out version of yourself where you're doing things that you love but you're not getting any enjoyment out of 'em, and you start questioning, what's really wrong with me?
(04:27)
Am I broken? Am I a failure because I haven't moved on yet and I don't want you to get to that place because that place sucks, right? Even if you are in that place, don't give up. Hang in there. Listen to me today. We're going to change all that, okay? We are going to get you out of that. We're going to change it. So here is a little bit about me. If you haven't heard my story. I had a big breakup a couple years ago. He and I were together for five years off and on. We were living together and had been talking about marriage and having kids and buying a house, and I thought I knew what my whole future was going to look like and that we were going to be that old couple sitting on our porch holding hands, watching our grandkids play in the yard.
(05:23)
Then he came to me and he said, I don't see that future with you anymore. I don't think I want that with you anymore. I don't know if I want that with anybody or at all. So we ended our relationship very suddenly and it was absolutely devastating. So I needed to not just move out, but I needed to figure out what is my life now because I had built my whole life around him and my job, which was an incredibly stressful job at the time. And so in the past when I'd gone through a big breakup, I didn't have as much responsibility as I did in this new stressful job. So I could kind of just check out and be a little bit of a shell of myself for a while and I would spend months obsessing over my obsessing over everything that went wrong, feeling depressed, feeling unmotivated and feeling like I just didn't matter, and that whatever I did in my life didn't matter and I wouldn't date.
(06:37)
For long periods of time I wasn't. Or if I did, I was just comparing them to whoever the recent X was. Anyway, I knew I was 39. I didn't have any time to waste. I had this really I stressful job. I knew I didn't want to spend any extra time suffering. I needed to figure this out and I need to figure out where I was going to live and all that stuff. So I thought, I'm going to have to go through this breakup differently than I've done it in the past. I had already been certified as a life coach at that point. So I thought, what if I use my coaching tools on myself? They've helped other people in other situations. What if I apply them to this? And it turns out those tools were incredibly useful. So I was able to manage my mind so that I could stop those ruminating thoughts, which is what I'm teaching you today.
(07:30)
I stopped beating myself up so much, I stopped obsessing over him, and so then I could actually really just focus on myself and my healing. So then that part went faster, and then I was able to really focus on getting to know myself again of who am I even because I had lost myself in that relationship and what do I actually really want in my life? And what I came to realize was I was playing so small to stay in that relationship and keep him happy that I sacrificed all my dreams. And so what has happened since then is I built my coaching business, helping people after their breakups, and I built it so in a way that I quit the stressful job and now I'm getting to do a bunch of solo travel. Right now I'm in England and I'm here as a digital nomad.
(08:29)
So I'm working while I travel. So I'm getting to see the world and keep building my business, which is a huge dream of mine that I had put to the side. So here I am living this life that I did not think was possible just a couple of years ago when I was in that relationship. And I want you to know that whatever your dream is, your dream doesn't have to be the same as mine, whatever that is, it's totally possible for you. We just have to get you through this little breakup hiccup first. Okay? So here's what I know to be true about the people who come to me. And so I'm going to bet that it's also true about you. What you really want is that you don't want to get hurt again, and you really do want a healthy, happy, loving, connected relationship that is a big desire of yours.
(09:28)
Otherwise you wouldn't have been in that relationship in the first place. And it's true sometimes right now in the wake of the relationship, you're like, I don't see how that's possible. And that's okay. It's because you are feeling hurt and pain, but you have a big dream. You have a lot of love to give even if that is buried under the hurt right now. And that hurt is so big and it is so painful that you are like, I never want to feel this way again. And so what really happens is that when you have this combination of like, I really want a relationship and I never want to be hurt again, you are giving your brain a problem to solve and your brain is a problem solving machine. So it thinks the best way to avoid getting hurt again and to get you into a healthy, happy relationship is to solve all the problems from your past relationship.
(10:30)
It thinks if I can just understand what happened, I can make sure to never repeat it again. And if I can understand it, I'm going to stop feeling pain. I'll be able to accept it if I understand it. So what your brain is doing is that it's scanning for anything that maybe caused any pain. And if your brain's anything like mine and my clients, it does this in a cruel aggressive way. It is pointing out to you every single problem of like, you idiot, why would you do it like that? You're such a failure. Nobody's going to love you again if you behave like that. It's trying to use shame and pain to motivate you to do things differently. And I get it. All you want is for your life to go back to normal. You want to stop your brain from doing that, and you want to go back to living your life where you're not in constant pain and rumination and you want to be free from beating yourself up all the time or replaying that same fight over and over and over again trying to figure out how you could have done it differently.
(11:44)
And the other thing I hear a lot is I want to know all the possible red flags so that I can always avoid them in the future. And I should always be able to see all the red flags and I should always be able to avoid them. And you're really trying to solve the problem of why my relationship didn't work out. And if I can just pick apart every little thing that's wrong with me, I can fix me and then it's never going to be a problem ever again. But see, this doesn't work. You can probably already hear it from the way I'm talking about it, even though that's what's going on in our brains. We never check it. It doesn't actually work. And it's because you're solving for the wrong problem. You're solving for. If I can understand it, then I can accept it and I can stop feeling pain, but you don't feel better because you understand something. And that's because people don't follow logical patterns. You're probably never going to understand why your ex did what they did, and you're probably never going to understand fully why you did what you did. We are pretty irrational humans just in general as a species, we're irrational. We don't follow patterns. We don't always do the thing that we know that we should do, right? Think of all the times where you didn't do the thing that you knew that you should do.
(13:04)
Think of all the times where you did something that you were like, this doesn't make any sense, but I'm doing it anyway. Or this is going to blow up my life, but I'm doing it anyway. Sometimes we do things without any regard to how it's going to affect anybody else or how the consequences are going to play out. So even if you were able to ask your all those questions, get all the understanding that you think that you need, you would have more questions still because your need to feel better would not be satisfied by your understanding. So you would keep going for more understanding of like, well, apparently I don't understand enough, so I'm going to keep going. If I understand more, then I'll feel better and I don't feel better yet. So I got to keep going. See how this is really tricky and this is why your rumination keeps going because you're like, I haven't solved it because I still feel bad, so I better keep solving it. I better keep fixating on this because I still feel awful. So let's just keep solving this problem over and over and over again.
(14:13)
Your human brain, like I said, is a problem solving machine, and that's because it wants to avoid pain and it wants to seek pleasure using as little energy as possible to do that. And the other interesting thing about rumination is it's a loop. It's so much easier to stay on a loop. It doesn't take much energy to stay there, and so it just stays in this really, it's almost a satisfying loop because it's familiar. The more you do it, even though it doesn't feel good, it's familiar and to try to change it feels a little uncomfortable and it's going to take a little energy for you to redirect it, which is why I'm going to ask you to stay with me here. If you're checking out a little bit, come back because this is where we're going to get into how to actually change it. We are going to get you unstuck, and I am going to ask you to give me a little bit of courage and a little bit of attention because we're going to redirect your brain.
(15:27)
So here's what you actually need to do to get out of rumination and to stop thinking about your ex and to actually move on. The first step is you need to decide your relationship is done. You might say, but it is done. But have you decided in your head and your heart, I'm done with that? Because even if the relationship's done, there might be a part of your head and your heart that's hanging onto some kind of hope, maybe it'll change or I'm not ready to accept that it's done yet that. So here's the thing, that decision is powerful because to decide means that you are going to cut out the thing that you are not picking, and you are going to decide that relationship's done, which means you let go of the hope of it being anything different.
(16:34)
What's really interesting, some people say, but what if we want to get back together later? That's actually a different decision. And you deciding right now in this moment, my relationship as it was is done. It actually has no bearing on whether or not the two of you get back together in the future. You actually have a better chance of getting back together in the future if you decide that it's done right now because you will have to rebuild a new relationship at that point in the future. But if your ex ended the relationship, but you're still hanging on, you are keeping yourself stuck in limbo, looking backwards and never moving forwards, that's a really painful place to be.
(17:27)
So you need to decide that it's done. And I know that might be challenging, but I do believe in you and I believe in the courage of your spirit that you can take that step because on the other side of it actually comes relief, okay? That's the first thing you need to do to stop ruminating is decide you know what the relationship's done. There is no amount of thinking that I can do that's going to change the outcome. There's no amount of understanding I could get that's going to change the outcome. I'm actually done. And you can make yourself done on anything. You can be done. I'm done ruminating. I'm not doing that anymore. I'm over it. I'm done. I'm done with the relationship. I'm not trying to change the result anymore. I accept what it is right now. See how powerful that is? Okay?
(18:24)
The second step is you actually need an evaluation process that does not involve you beating yourself up or making yourself feel bad. There is a big difference between reflecting in your journal of where did I not show up my best and being honest about how I made a mistake there? Or if I could do this again, I would do this differently in a future relationship that is honest self-reflection versus what's probably been going on in your head, which is like, you're such an idiot. Why would you do it that way? God, you sound like a moron. Who's ever going to love you anyway? See the difference? So reflecting in your journal, having some self-reflection, very different. So create an evaluation process that does not beat yourself up.
(19:25)
You need to set new standards for a new relationship, and the way that you create those standards is actually from your reflection and your evaluation, because there are things about that relationship that were great, and you can keep those because those are the reasons you were staying in the relationship as long as you were. There were good things. Those can become new standards for future relationships. And then you can also look at what didn't work and use that to learn from the contrast that didn't work, which means I have a new standard for me. One of the ones that I created is I want to be with somebody who wants to be with me. I'm no longer attracted to somebody who doesn't want to be with me. I would get so fixated on the guy who left and I would obsess over it, and instead, I had to rewire my brain and set a standard, which maybe sounds obvious to everybody else, but it wasn't obvious to me. I want to be with somebody who wants to stay in the relationship. I want somebody who's going to talk through the problem, and I am not attracted to somebody who doesn't want to be with me.
(20:44)
Okay? So you're going to create standards that align with the relationship that you want. And part of this is about getting to know yourself again, like I said. So even if it's not about a relationship, what are the standards for the life you want to live? So for me, it includes travel and building a business and being an entrepreneur. And I know that life is really satisfying to me. You also need practices of connecting and loving yourself, which is the direct opposite of what you've been doing of beating yourself up. So the only way to get over your ex is to become more centered on yourself and more focused on understanding yourself, learning about yourself, getting to know yourself, loving and accepting yourself from a place of healing, not self-flagellation. I want you to think about this as if you had a broken arm. If you had a broken arm, you don't heal the broken arm by bumping it into things and hurting it more and yelling at it of why aren't you healed yet? No, you go to a doctor, you have the doctor put the bones back in place. You get a cast so that you can protect it for a while and keep it comfortable in a sling. Then you go to physical therapy and you rebuild and restrengthen those muscles. There's a process, but none of it involves telling the arm. It's stupid for breaking.
(22:30)
It's all about what does the arm need to heal back in place properly and to restrengthen itself so it can be used like an arm again. So there are some skills that you need in order to do all of this, right? I just gave you kind of the things you have to do, but there are skills involved that will make this easier. So in order to heal, you're going to need to be able to manage your own mind instead of letting your mind run around a toddler with scissors completely unchecked and going wild and crazy and cutting things left. And you need to be able to watch your thoughts and choose your thoughts so that they don't hurt you.
(23:18)
Choose your thoughts like you choose your outfit every day because the thoughts that you choose have a big impact on you, the thoughts you have create the way that you feel. And so what I find is that when you are running around with these unchecked ruminating thoughts and these thoughts that are beating yourself up, you're actually creating extra bad feelings, like additional bad feelings. They are pretty extra, but they are also in addition to the bad feelings that you would normally have. And so what happens is that you're feeling the additional feelings, but you're never actually getting to feel the feelings that come from being brokenhearted. So what happens if you start managing your mind and you choose better thoughts that are not beating yourself up? You actually start feeling more clear, but you are also still going to feel kind of bad because you're still broken hearted, you still have grief, you are still mourning, you are still angry, you're still lonely, you're still in despair.
(24:33)
Those feelings are still there. So then this next skill is that you learn how to feel those feelings instead of numbing them out or repressing them, we're still oppressing them instead of avoiding those or skipping them, because you're just creating all those additional feelings you're going to get under that. You're going to cut out the additional feelings you're going to feel, the ways you're actually feel. So that's skill two. Skill three is you're going to learn how to detach from your relationship. So we had an attachment process when you were getting together, but you are now going to detach and you're going to decrease the amount that you want them. So instead of being like, I want that person, you're going to become neutral of like me. That's all right. Take it or leave it. Actually, I'd rather leave it. Okay? And then scale four is decide and create a vision for a future that excites you more than the memories of your past.
(25:31)
And this is key because what happens is your brain looks at the blank slate of your future and gets scared so it turns to what it does know, which are your memories. And this is why we start romanticizing our past because your brain likes pleasure. So it just stirs up all those good memories and fixates on them. But it's because you don't have anything good in your future to think about. So a skill you need to develop is creating a future vision for yourself that is more exciting and more compelling than your past. And what happens when you do all these skills, when you start putting these into practice, and it's going to be that you see that you start feeling better or right away because you're cutting down on those nasty additional thoughts, and you are actually getting to process your bad feelings. So those feelings don't stick around because they get processed and moved out.
(26:26)
You are also going to clear out your mind trash, which means you're going to be more clearheaded. You're going to be more able to focus, and you're going to have a better ability to be present in your life, and you'll be able to focus and get back to your normal life. Instead of feeling like you're waiting for it to come back to you, you actually get to be in control of getting back into your life and all of this work, what this does is this is like, I don't even calling it, but it really is because like healing your broken heart, the way you would heal a broken arm. And so you are creating a level of care and kindness for yourself that is different than what you had before. You had these skills, which means you are naturally raising your standards for a relationship, which means you're going to attract a better level relationship and you are less likely to get hurt like this again.
(27:25)
You see how this all works and this all connects. This is why I'm so passionate about this work, because when you do it this way, you stop repeating, dating the same people over and over and over again because you've healed it. That's not even attractive to you anymore. You move forward and you have a life that you're excited about. Again, maybe that's travel or you start a new career or you get a promotion, or you have more fulfilling friendships, a new love, or you just get to feel free and you're able to handle rejection and have resiliency through dating, and you have more fun in the process of dating and in your new life.
(28:11)
So this is why this matters to me. This is what I want for you. Okay, my friends. So I want you to come over to Instagram and I want you to DM me. What's your number one takeaway from this? This was a meaty episode. Lots to go on here. Alright, my friends. So come over to Instagram, DM me your number one takeaway. I cannot wait to hear from you and get to work. You don't have any time to waste. You want to start changing this now? All right, my friends, take good care of yourself. I'm sending you lots of loving and care and beautiful visions for your future and a healed heart just like you had healed a broken arm. Alright, take care of yourself and I'll talk to you next week.