If It Keeps Happening, It’s Not an Accident If you’re asking yourself, “Why does this keep happening to me?” It’s because it’s not done teaching you yet. Pain can be your greatest teacher, if you’re ready to pass the course. In this episode, learn how to recognize and break patterns of dating the same type of person over and over.
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Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:43)
Hello, everybody. How's it going? Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie here. You might hear some new noises in the background. New birds, perhaps some wind and what not because I am recording this while I am in England for a couple of months and I am learning the ins and outs of staying in my 17th century cottage that I'm house sitting, everything creeks, everything makes noise here, and yet nobody locks their doors. It's totally safe. It's just such a wild and different experience. And I'm watching a dog who is lovely, but when she hears my voice, she wants me to be playing with her. So if you hear barking in the background, that's just her demanding my attention, my undivided attention, which I think ties in so nicely because when we're going through a breakup, we've been rejected and it feels like thoughts of that person are just demanding our attention all the time, or our feelings are just demanding our attention all the time of I must be felt now I must be solved.
(02:02)
Fix me. I'm broken, right? And so I am working on an episode about using travel to help you heal after a breakup. That's not why I'm traveling right now, but I've definitely traveled after breakups, but that's still a work in progress. But it has me thinking a lot about that saying of wherever you go, there you are, right? We take ourselves with us wherever we go, and what comes with us are our patterns. So this episode is for you. If you've ever thought after your breakup, why does this keep happening to me and why am I here again? I thought I had this problem solved and I thought I had it fixed. This episodes, especially for you. So one of the big things that I did after my last big breakup was I really looked hard at my own patterns and I thought just like many of the clients I work with, I thought I had broken the patterns and that the person I had dated, I had sort of put my blinders on of things are different this time and I'm going to ignore any yellow or red flags that say, Nope, this is just another way of being in your same old pattern.
(03:32)
So I decided to get honest instead. And I used the tools that I'm going to teach you in here, but I was able to really see how often I pick people that are just not available. I they show up differently on the outside, but really they're just not available to date. And that's hard. That's hard to look at of I love the drama of it to be honest. I was having this conversation the other night at a pub, so a real English pub we were talking about what was it about the unavailable men that made them so attractive? And it was the drama and the excitement of it that I could feel like they were high stakes and something was on the line and the highs were really high, but then also the lows were really low. And so I got to ride this emotional roller coaster and it felt meaningful and it felt bigger than it probably really was. So what I found was that's my pattern. And if you can relate to dating the same kind of person, they just have different faces. I want you to know there's nothing wrong with you and you're not broken. There's most likely a pattern that's running the show and we are going to become aware of it today. We're going to name it and we're going to start to shift it. So there's a reason why this keeps happening, and I think if you understand the reason, it's a lot easier to shift it.
(05:27)
What happens is that we have underlying beliefs that we develop usually at a really young age, and these become our operating manuals for life. And the tricky thing is, is that these beliefs have been running for so long, they just seem like truth. And when something seems like truth, it can be really hard to spot it. It can be hard to see it. And further what happens when we look at this biologically, your nervous system just collects all these patterns and experiences that validate the belief, that prove that it's true, and it creates these patterns in your nervous system. And what happens is that we will always seek out a familiar, even if that's not a healthy choice for us, we're always going to go after what's familiar instead of going after what's unfamiliar. So the things that are familiar are going to feel really attractive to you.
(06:37)
That's the thing I should be doing and that's the thing I should be going after. Whereas the pattern that maybe might be healthier for you and more in alignment with what you want and what you need, that's going to seem really unattractive to you because it's unfamiliar and you haven't experienced that yet before. So you can think about this, and I can't remember who to accredit this quote to, but we will seek an unfamiliar hell over, I'm sorry. We will seek a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven every single time. So our unconscious beliefs are actually what create a lot of our attraction. And it probably started from a good place. You probably created that belief in some way to protect you, and it may have served you for a period of time, and likely if you're listening to this, it's not helping you anymore and it's turned destructive.
(07:40)
So for example, my belief that I found was everybody who loves me leaves me. And that was protecting me, that I was just picking these men in my romantic life who were going to leave, and I was really just trying to protect myself from getting too hurt. So I was just always attracted to the one that I knew was going to leave. It could validate my beliefs. And even though it hurt like hell on some unconscious level, I thought I was protecting myself from even bigger hurt. So knowing that your beliefs and your patterns are coming from a good place, most likely we need to work on seeing them so that we can release them and pick new beliefs. So the first step is always to raise your awareness and to recognize what exactly is the pattern here and what is the underlying belief driving it. So I want you to think back on your past couple relationships that have ended. If you look at the dynamic between you and your ex, not necessarily the specifics of the person, but the relationship dynamic. What do the dynamics have in common? How did you relate to each other? How did you treat each other? How did you treat a relationship?
(09:19)
In what ways did you get hurt? You might also look, were there red flags in those past relationships that you ignored? And then if you get really, really honest, what did you really deep down hope that this relationship was going to fix? So you might want to look for times where your emotions felt really, really big, where it felt like maybe you had a reaction that was out of proportion to the situation. Because as the saying goes, if it's hysterical, it's historical. So sometimes these big emotional reactions are actually there are entryway. They are our clues into understanding where our patterns are.
(10:34)
So you're looking for commonalities in the dynamics of the relationship. You're looking for red flags you ignored, and what did you hope that that relationship was going to fix? Okay? So that's how you're going to start learning what are the patterns here that are happening? So next you want to look at what is the belief that is fueling that pattern? Because the only reason we do anything is that it is because of a belief. So what is the belief underneath the pattern? And you could look at this, in order for me to be dating unavailable men, what am I believing about relationships? What am I believing about myself that would cause me to be attracted to unavailable men or that is causing me to want to be in a relationship with those people? So we're not doing this to be yourself up or to punish you in any way, but what we want to do is just raise your awareness about this.
(11:52)
So what I found, like I shared was that my underlying belief or one of, because I think I actually have a few that fed into the behavior, so you might have more than one, and that's totally normal. Mine was everybody that loves me leaves me. And so to begin to dissolve that belief, I first have to be willing to let that go. I have to look at that and say, that served me for a period of time. It is no longer serving me and I am choosing to release this. I'm choosing to let this go. I do not need this belief to keep me safe any longer. And we want to replace it with a belief that will serve us. So I did this all in my journal and I did this over a series of days where I just let myself free write what would feel really supportive to me. And one of the thoughts that came to me was, people who love me don't leave me. Then I went to work looking for evidence of how could that be true? I looked at my friends and my family and I looked at how they have been with me and they let me just be myself and they don't leave.
(13:14)
And so finding new beliefs and finding evidence that proves them to be true is going to help you really support you creating these new beliefs. And you might need to get creative to start to go from everybody who loves me, leaves me to people who really love me, never leave. Or some of the other thoughts I came up with was, it's really unattractive when somebody leaves a relationship with me. I'm no longer attracted to somebody who's unavailable. I also began practicing the belief the right person is going to want to stay. So those were some that really served me. And sometimes you have to get creative. It could be a big jump to go from everybody who loves me, leaves me to the right person is going to want to stay, or people who really love me stay. So you could create a bridge thought of baby steps.
(14:18)
So sometimes it can help of I'm open to the possibility that the right person won't leave me, right? It's not full on saying I believe this a hundred percent yet. So you're not lying to yourself in that belief, but sure, yeah, I'm open to the possibility that the right person won't leave me. Or you could say it works for other people. Other people are in relationships where their partner doesn't leave and only find evidence. Look for evidence that supports you because of course you can find evidence to support any belief. That's why lawyers make so much money because they can argue any side of a case. So your brain is also like a lawyer. It can argue and find evidence for any side of an argument. But why would you find an argument that doesn't feel good, that doesn't help you? So what I want you to do is to be committed in this process of picking beliefs that help you, that feel like they are moving you forward, that they feel like they are supportive. Okay? So I want you to take a deep breath.
(15:34)
I know belief work can be really deep, and this is a really deep episode, but it is totally worth it. And so the framework that we're working on here is the first part is we always want to raise your awareness of what is the pattern, and then we want to create insight and we want to name the belief, or even maybe it's a fear that is driving the pattern, right? So we're going to name that belief and then we're going to move to number three, which is to get into action, which is to choose a new, more supportive belief and find evidence that supports it. Your brain is a wonderful filter, but it is going to filter automatically to validate your beliefs. So you want to pick beliefs that serve you and make your mind a filter for evidence that supports the beliefs that are good for you.
(16:39)
This is how you begin to manage your mind. This is how you begin to get your mind on your side instead of working against you in rumination. So I really want to hear from you on this. Can you see this? Can you see this working for yourself? You are so far ahead of so many people who are still struggling. I get comments about this every day. I talk to people in Facebook groups who are really struggling, and the fact that you are here listening to this episode is giving you the tools so that you can change this pattern and take control of your life again. And that's what I want for you the most, is so that you feel like you're in control of your life again. So I want to hear from you. I want you to come on over to my Instagram and I want you to send me a DM and I want to hear what is the pattern that you identified and the belief, and if you want some help to start working on reframing that I'm here, I want to help with that.
(17:43)
I want to be that person in your corner with you. I'm happy to do that in the dms. And if you were looking for more consistent help on a one-on-one private basis, I do have some openings in my one-on-one coaching program where I really help you move onward and upward from your last relationship. So if you like this, if you hearing from me and my face, my podcast every single week, just think about what it would be like to have me working with you privately, solely focused on you for an entire hour each and every week that we get to work through your problems so that you start feeling better faster. If that is interesting to you, I'm going to put my calendar link in the show notes that you can book a private and free consultation with me and we can go over everything and you can decide if coaching's right for you. Alright, my friends. That's it for this week. Just remember, if you're ready to stop repeating the same breakup story, you have that option. You do not have to keep having history repeating itself over and over and over again. You can learn the lesson, you can pass the test and you can move on. That is totally possible for you. Alright, I can't wait to talk to you next time and I hope you have a wonderful day and you take care of yourself. Alright my friends. That's it for now. Bye-bye.