In this episode, we talk about that phase in a breakup when it feels like everything is burning down. You'll receive a simple, doable 5-step process to move through those moments of pain so that you can get to the relief on the other side. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this pain ever going to turn into something meaningful?” — this episode is the reminder that yes, it will. And that rebirth is already happening, even if you can’t see it yet.
In this episode, we talk about that phase in a breakup when it feels like everything is burning down. You'll receive a simple, doable 5-step process to move through those moments of pain so that you can get to the relief on the other side. If you’ve ever wondered, “Is this pain ever going to turn into something meaningful?” — this episode is the reminder that yes, it will. And that rebirth is already happening, even if you can’t see it yet.
To join the free 3-day challenge Over Your Ex in a Weekend sign up here: https://sarah-curnoles-coaching.kit.com/482d05abdc
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello, my friends, Sarah Colonels here, your breakup bestie the person to help you through this, and today I have an episode about how to handle it when it feels like you are sitting right dead smack in the middle of the ring of fire and it is just hard. I was watching Harry Potter this weekend again, it's one of my go-tos. If I need something on that will be soothing and it really inspired me for today's topic. I was watching the second one and the character of Fox, who is a phoenix, plays a big part in that story and it made me think about the myth of the Phoenix and how powerful that can be if we look at it for this time of your life, for this season that you're going through. So the Phoenix is a symbol of rebirth, resurrection, renewal and hope. And it lives for hundreds of years.
(01:08)
And when the Phoenix reaches the end of its life, it builds this nest of spices. When I was doing the research, they collect cinnamon sticks and myrrh and I was like, oh, that just sounds so delicious, so warming. Anyway, it makes this nest of spices and then the phoenix lights itself on fire and lights the nest on fire and it burns down to ash. And from the ash, a new phoenix is born and it starts the cycle all over again of this very powerful creature. This powerful fiery creature lives its life for hundreds and hundreds of years until it is time for it to die and it burns its nest again. And it's this cycle of continuing over and over and over. As a side note, something that's unique to Harry Potter World, but I couldn't find a root for it in any old myth in Harry Potter, the Phoenix Tears actually have healing principles so it can heal any wound.
(02:19)
And what I find really interesting is actually that's more closely tied to us as humans, that our tears when we cry, it actually releases stress hormones. What? That's amazing to me. Anyway, so I was thinking of you all this weekend and thinking, what can we learn from this Phoenix who sees the end of something and decides it's time, it's time for this to burn and to create the process of renewal and rebirth. And I was thinking about how in the darkest moments of a breakup, it feels like you're sitting in the middle of a burning nest of fire. It hurts. I'm not laughing because it's funny, I'm laughing because I've been there and I know how much that hurts and how painful that is and the deepest grief that one can go through of losing your person and losing your life that you thought you knew what was going to be coming next. And it is painful. Everything that we knew seems to have gone away in what feels like an instant and all that we are facing is the unknown, right? It feels like our life has been burned down the ash and we don't know what's coming out of that. Actually when you're in it, it feels like, it feels like nothing's coming out of it. How could anything come out of this? This is just all burned down ash.
(04:02)
And I was also doing a training this weekend and the teacher shared this quote that I think might've been hers, I'm not sure. She said, when your head is full of nightmares, how could you possibly listen to the dreams of your heart? And I thought, oh, that's really good because when we are in this circle of fire and things are burning down, burning away, it feels like all that there is all that. There are nightmares. It's all nightmares. And when I start working with people for the first time, my clients, my coaching clients, they very often don't know what they want their life to look like. They know they just want the pain to stop because there's so much pain. They can't get in touch with their heart. There feels like there's a block and it feels impossible to even think about loving again or rebuilding a life. And this is a dark place to be and I don't want you to be there any longer than you need to be.
(05:13)
I want you to move through the pain in a way that feels honoring to yourself, but also respectful of the pain that's a part of this. This is an important part. We don't want to deny it or try to hide from it or repress it or feel like I shouldn't experience this or I can't experience it. We want to honor the pain, respect it, but we don't want to create more suffering. We don't want to linger in it or make it stay any longer than it needs to. We want to move through it and be reborn just like that little baby Phoenix. We want to get out of it as quickly as possible, and I don't know if this is good news or bad news for you, but the quickest way through it is through it. The quickest way to get to the other side of the pain for the pain to end is to actually go directly in and through.
(06:08)
Okay? And I'm going to tell you how to do that. I'm going to break it down into five steps. So I'm going to tell you five steps of how to go through pain so that it doesn't prolong the pain and it doesn't create suffering, and we get you to the other side as quickly as possible. Now, a quick note before we do this, you might be scared. What if I go into this pain and it never ends? It feels like if I go into it, it's never going to end. It feels like if I let myself feel my feelings, it's never going to end, right? I hear this a lot of I'm scared to try this, and if that's you, don't worry. I got you.
(06:54)
Because pain will always end. There will be an ending to it because there is only one thing in our entire human experience that is infinite. It is the only thing that is eternal and never ending and cannot be exhausted, and that is love and I mean universal love, not romantic love. It's that higher love. It is expansive and all encompassing. It's compassionate. It's that true love of life and it beats through all of us human beings. It is true to each of us and we all have a connection to that love. It is the only thing that is inexhaustible, and it is always there on the other side of the feeling that you're feeling or the pain that you're experiencing. All of those are like, I want you to think about them a well that has a bottom that if you empty it out, you will hit a bottom, it will end. You'll come to the other side. I'm not going to say that means you'll never experience it again. Just that experience of it has an ending.
(08:21)
They are finite. So if you are scared, take a deep breath. I've been there. I've been through it. The pain will end and know deep in your bones and your soul. That love is on the other side. I've been taught this by every teacher I've ever had and I've experienced it. My clients have experienced it. Okay, so here are the steps. There are five steps that I want you to do when you are in pain. The first step is I want you to acknowledge the truth of it, that I'm in pain, and actually what I will do for myself when I'm in pain is I will actually just say the word pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain, pain. I will say it over and over and over. What this does is it moves you out of resistance, which is what we all tend to do around pain.
(09:33)
We tend to want to tighten up and resist the pain because we're scared of the injury, but actually the resistance and the tightening can cause more injury. Whether this is physical pain or emotional pain. This actually, this process actually works for both and it is exactly the same. When we are feeling emotional pain, we tense up around it of like, oh, I don't want to feel this. I don't want to do it, and we try to make it go away, but that is only going to intensify it when you acknowledge it. I'm in pain and what happens when I say it over and over again? I actually stop fighting the pain and I'm acknowledging that it's there. So I am not adding to my pain. I am just acknowledging what is, what's present, what is true, what's real. All right? Step two, I want you to rate your pain on a scale of one to 10.
(10:29)
How intense is that pain? And you get to decide what it is. All right? Simple. Step two is you are rating the pain. Step three, I want you to notice the pain in your body and observe it with neutrality, curiosity and a spirit of lightness. What does that mean? I want you to be neutral about the pain, not invested in it, of like, where's this coming from? What caused this? Is this bad? Is this good? What does it mean? You are going to drop all of that and you're going to just observe it neutrally as if you were in an aquarium and you are on the other side of the glass and you are watching the sea creatures. You are not in the tank with them. You are not responsible for them even. Well, that's probably not the best. You are a little responsible for your pain.
(11:23)
You're taking care of it. But for the sense of neutrality, right? We are neutral about it. It is not good or bad that we are in pain. We just are just in pain. We are experiencing it. We can feel it. It is present right here and it's probably somewhere in your body. So finding it in your body, I want you to just get curious about it. How big is it? What does it look like? What is the texture of it? Is there a temperature, right? I want you to it again as if you're watching fish in an aquarium. That's the green one floating by. That's the slow one. That's the one with the big funky teeth and the pilot light on its head, and I want you to keep that spirit of lightness with it. We're not taking it all that seriously. We are not getting all that invested.
(12:15)
You are not trying to hang onto the pain or like, oh, I got to keep it here you are holding it lightly. Kind of like if you had your palm open and a butterfly landed in it. You don't want to crush the butterfly by holding it too tight late. You just keep your palm soft and easy. That's the spirit. I want you to be observing your pain. So watching it, observe it, notice what's happening and you don't need any expectations. It doesn't have to change. Nothing has to happen from this. There's no end goal. There's no place you're trying to get, there's no expectation that the pain has to go away by us doing this. Actually, there's no pressure here. The pain can just be, and what's really important about this is that when you let it be, it can surprise you without you trying to control it and force it and make it lessen, right?
(13:21)
If you come into this expecting something out of it, it doesn't work because that's actually resistance. We have to learn to just hold it lightly, experience it, watch it, let it move, and if it doesn't move, that's okay, but you are just observing, being curious, holding it with a light attitude. No expectations, no pressure. It just is what it is. Okay? That's step three. Step four, I want you to rate your level of pain again from one to 10. Did it stay the same? Did it go up? Did it go down? What happened? Okay, and then step five, you're going to repeat this every single day as often as you feel the pain. Now, it probably took me longer to explain it than it's actually going to take you to sit with it. That's the truth. You only really need to be sitting with it, I don't know, a minute or two. It doesn't really have to take that long. You are just being present with it. And what will happen is that you're going to notice things will shift. You are also going to be lessening the power that pain has over you because every time you go in, every time you observe it, what you are subtly telling yourself is, I can handle this. Because you know what? That's the truth. You can. You are not that fragile. You are so strong, my friend. You are so capable.
(14:59)
And in the meantime, in between these times where you're watching and observing your pain and you're rating it, I want you to also prioritize your own comfort and your own safety. This might look like regulating your nervous system as best as you possibly can, whether it is hanging out with a loved pet or a loved person, somebody that can give you some hug and comfort. Now, I'm an introvert who lived alone during my breakup and didn't have a pet, so I used a stuffed animal and it actually works quite well. You can wrap yourself in blankets and cuddle a stuffed animal and it actually works very, very well. I recommend another person, but if you are like me, do what you got to do.
(15:51)
You can take care of yourself. We're in soup season here. It's the fall. Soups are actually incredibly nourishing and very easy on your body, and that warmth helps you generate warmth for yourself. It's not an accident. They tell you to have soup when you're sick. It's on purpose. You can take some deep breaths, you cry, like I said, it releases stress hormones. When you cry, you can sing or hum. That is so soothing to your nervous system. You can create a mantra of, this might hurt right now, but I'm going to be okay. Nothing has gone wrong. This is pain. I am capable of handling it.
(16:42)
This pain will not kill me. Alright? And one day, as you keep going through this, as you keep going through the pain, you're letting it burn, you're letting things fall away, you're getting clearer on what needs to be let go of. That's a big part of this is when we are in that ring of fire, we're letting things go. What needs to go during this time? What do you want to let go of? What do you want to stop hanging onto? What space do you need to clear for this next chapter in your life? What needs to be burned away as you go through this, as you keep going through this process of letting go, of letting yourself feel the pain, letting the old burn away, it is making space for the new. Until one day you are going to feel yourself like you are reborn of popping your head up out of the ashes, looking around being like, okay, I think I'm ready to take a step forward. I think I'm ready for what's next. I feel like I'm moving out of the pain. And you don't have to force it. It actually is going to come naturally. If you follow all these steps, if you allow yourself to just feel your way through the pain, you don't resist it, you don't fight against it, you go through it and you will naturally find yourself like, huh, I don't feel like putting on just sweatpants today. I'm actually going to do my hair or do my makeup or put some effort into things.
(18:27)
That is going to be a naturally occurring impulse that you are just suddenly going to have one day follow the impulse and let that start pulling you out. And eventually you're going to shift out of the place where all you have are nightmares in your head and you're going to start being able to drop into your heart and clarifying what's in my heart? What do I want to start dreaming about again? And you get to move into the next phase, but you can't move into the next phase without going through this first. Alright my friend, so if you were listening to this, when it drops, I have something super special for you. I am teaching a free three day workshop on how to get over your ex in a weekend, how to move on in a weekend. Essentially, I am teaching three one hour classes.
(19:20)
So one a day, it'll be on Thursday the 20th, the Friday the 21st, and then Sunday the 23rd. I'm teaching a one hour class of everything you need to know in order to move on before Thanksgiving. How great is that that you could go into the holiday season being over your ex? No more of the pain. We're going to let it all go. We're going to get clear. We are going to create our intentions and we are going to start moving forward in a really powerful, effective way that is just as clear as this episode was. And I want you to be there so you can go to the website that I'm going to put in the show notes and you can sign up for this totally free three class event. And if you can't be there live, that's okay. I will send out replays. So I encourage you highly to sign up for that and I can't wait to see you there. And we are going to start creating some really big powerful shifts for you in your life. Alright, my friends take good care of yourself this week and I can't wait to talk to you again next time.