Over the past year, Sarah Curnoles has faced challenges in her own coaching business, including losing consulting work and clients. Sarah went through a period of panic, shame, and self-doubt when her business hit a rough patch. She struggled to follow her own advice about self-compassion and getting out of a "tailspin." To overcome this, Sarah had to work through her feelings of shame and regret, simplify her schedule, and reconnect with the things that bring her joy. She also reached out for support from coaches. Sarah shares this personal story to encourage listeners to take responsibility for getting themselves out of difficult situations, by practicing self-acceptance, letting go of what doesn't serve them, and creating a vision for the future they want. She is offering free 30-minute "coffee chats" to connect with listeners and provide support, as she wants to build a strong community to help people through life's challenges.
Book a free 30 minute coffee chat with me here: https://app.acuityscheduling.com/schedule.php?owner=13002720&appointmentType=15877967
This is your chance to tell your story, connect with me, feel less alone, and be heard.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together, let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:44)
Hey friends. Sarah Curnoles here, your breakup coach. And I am here this week with a really personal story about what I've been going through with my business in the past year. And it's really vulnerable because it was really messy this last year, but I feel like I've gotten to a really solid place with my head space, with my attitude towards it and the work that I'm doing. And I feel like I can really offer a lot of lessons about what I've learned without it being really muddied by being overly emotional about it or being in a whole lot of shame or regret. I did a lot of work to clean that up, and you might be thinking, but this is a breakup and divorce podcast. Sarah, why are you talking about your business? What does that have to do with what's going on in my relationship or my lack of relationship?
(01:40)
Well, you'll be surprised, and I'm going to tie it all in at the end, so just stick with me. I'll tell you the story and then I'm going to teach you some lessons at the end. Just hang in there with me. Alright, so I'm going to take you back. I've been coaching, it's eight years now, but I quit my full-time job last August, so almost a year ago. And my coaching business had really grown to this place where my calendar was full. I couldn't take on any more private clients because I had this full-time job. So I had a full calendar of clients that were going to start in September. And my current clients that I have been coaching for a long time, that was ongoing. And I had this consulting job that was lined up where I was going to come in and I was going to work with the leadership team.
(02:31)
So everything was looking amazing, and I was really excited for where my business was going. It was really expanding in the ways that I wanted it to, and I'd been working so hard for that. So I quit my job. And lemme tell you, that wasn't the easiest decision because I loved that job. I was really good at it and I was kicking ass, and I was really well respected. They gave me responsibility and support and respect, and I felt like I really was contributing to what I was doing to the company in a big way, which is important for me. And yet, I knew I had to leave because I have had a dream of having my own business for as long as I can remember. I've always wanted to set my own ceiling. I don't really want to have somebody telling me how much money I can make and what the trajectory of that my income is going to be for the next 20 years of my life.
(03:34)
I want to be in control of that, and I want to build something that's mine, that can have as big of an impact as I want. So I had to quit. So I left and I gave my notice, I left. I was feeling really great about it. And then the weirdest thing happened. The consulting gig just went away. They just full on, stopped responding to me. It was kind of like one of those things of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, the check's in the mail. And they never paid me. They never scheduled a session. Ghosted, totally ghosted. And then all of my clients that I had lined up to start in September, one by one, they dropped out. They quit, they backed out. The timing was bad. They didn't have the money. All of a sudden there was an emergency. It was just all of these things. And then my clients, some of whom I'd been working with for six months a year, I had one that I've been with for two or three years.
(04:37)
It was like they didn't talk to each other but all at the same time. They were like, I feel complete. I feel really good. I'm going to move on. And that's what I want as a coach. I want my clients to feel complete with coaching. I don't want clients for life. I want you to feel comfortable to go on and continue to live your life and take the tools that you got and go forth. The timing of it all was the thing that was just like, you can't write this shit. It was all at the exact same time, and it was in a really short period of time too. It was a really intense two weeks where this just all happened. And so I freaked out. I went into a full on panic tailspin. It was like I, you planned to go skydiving and you've paid, you go up there, you did all the training and everything.
(05:32)
You did all the preparation, you even did some test runs. And then you go up and you're going to do a solo skydive and you go out and you jump out and it's thrilling. And then your parachute doesn't work and it's all malfunctioning and you are just free falling. And that ground is getting close really fast and you don't have anybody you didn't tandem because it's a solo skydive, just like entrepreneurship is a solo thing. The wins are yours, but so are the losses. And I panicked. I went into full on fear mode of I suck as a coach. Nobody's ever going to hire me again.
(06:19)
What the hell am I doing? This was the biggest mistake of my life. I can't undo what I did because I already trained my replacement and they're already doing a great job. I can't go back to my job. And I really thought I had screwed myself over and that I wanted this. I wanted a business and I had no idea what I was doing. It felt like I felt like just like a baby, trying to figure out the meaning of life. And I got so stuck in the fear that I made some decisions with my business that maybe weren't necessarily the best. I was making those decisions from a place of being totally terrified and feeling a lot of despair and hopelessness honestly.
(07:12)
And I made some decisions that weren't really the best. And then I also decided the way to get out of it was to not overthink and not feel my feelings and really just put my nose to the grindstone and work, work, work, work, work. I don't know if this sounds familiar at all, but if you've been listening to me for a minute, you're like, Sarah, you didn't follow your own advice. Because this is totally the opposite of everything I teach. And here I am teaching people how to come out of that feeling of a tailspin in their own relationships. And I'm not seeing the connection of how this applies to my current situation that I was in with my business and making money. And I felt like a total imposter. And it was like crickets, true crickets of tumbleweeds going by of my calendar was just dust and tumbleweeds and there was nothing there.
(08:15)
And I couldn't get somebody on my books if I had paid them. And if I did get somebody on my books, I myself got so graspy about it. I wanted that client so bad that of course their answer was no. It didn't feel like a good fit for them because it didn't resonate for them. And it felt probably like pressure. So if you were listening to this and you're somebody that I've talked to in the last year as a potential client, I do apologize. I bet that probably didn't feel great for you. And hey, if you still want help, I'm here and in a much better now. So really what happened was I got really sick of myself. I got tired of my own bullshit. And I do believe that's the moment when we change, when we get tired of our own bullshit is the moment that we decide I can't do this anymore.
(09:13)
I got to make a change. And I started letting myself feel how I was feeling, and I realized I was dealing with a lot of shame and a lot of regret, and I was ignoring both of those things. I wasn't really honoring what that shame was showing up for and that it really wanted to be seen. And the shame really wanted me to be okay with being a human being who makes mistakes and being a person who lives a messy life. It doesn't have to be perfect. And the shame was sort of reacting in the opposite way, kind of like if you've ever seen a toddler who really wants you to give it. I'm trying to think of the last time I saw this. Oh, it was like a Popsicle, right? They really wanted that particular Popsicle. But when they want it so badly, they scrunch everything up and they throw a temper tantrum, they close their fist, they close their eyes, they close their mildly tight, and they might even scream how badly they want it.
(10:30)
And when they're behaving that way, I don't want to give them a thing that's bad behavior. I don't want to give you a treat and I can't. Your hands are squeezed so tight. I literally can't even give you the Popsicle because you're not even paying attention to me for me to be like, Hey, here, here's the Popsicle. So in the fit of it, and that's where I was, I was so in it that I couldn't see that all I really needed for myself was compassion and shame. Just wanted to know it's going to be okay. You're not a bad person. You're doing the best you can. You are learning as you go. There was just a bad coincidence of things that happened all at the same time and we're going to be okay. So I had to really work through the shame and the regret of some of the choices that I had made.
(11:28)
And then I had to really get clear and commit to what I actually wanted. And I realized that I had been living my life in the past year, so opposite from the life I'd wanted and I was overscheduling myself and overcommitting to all these things, thinking that that's what I needed to do to keep afloat. And I looked at everything. I was like, I'm over committed. A new client couldn't sign with me even if they wanted to because I have too many things on my calendar. There isn't any availability. And so I had to rearrange my schedule. I had to get really honest with myself about my choices in my life and I had to drop some things. I had to quit some volunteer work. I left a part-time job that I'd been working, and I lined up something that was better paying with fewer hours, and I really had to change some things.
(12:26)
And I even had shame about having a part-time job. I was like, I thought I had this all figured out. I quit and I shouldn't need a part-time job, but you know what? I have to pay my bills and there's nothing wrong with that. I was working really hard. And so I made a lot of peace with the things of the circumstances in my life, and I made choices to align with what I wanted. And then I got really clear that I needed to get back into my joy and back into the things that make me feel like me. Because if anybody is going to want to work with me, they want to work with me. Not a robot, not somebody who's hustling and grinding, not somebody who isn't very happy with their life or is terrified. Nobody wants a life coach that's terrified, not terrified of life.
(13:14)
It's not fun. And so I recommitted to what are the things that feel great to me? And I actually did a whole big clean out of my closet. I did a clean out of my space and I got rid of a lot of stuff that doesn't resonate with me anymore, like old clothes and old things I'd been holding onto. And I started working out again. I started prioritizing my mornings and my evening routines. Those have a really big impact on how I feel for the rest of the day. And little by little, I was making these changes and it was helping me to feel better. And then I started to get better into how can I serve the people that are paying attention to me? How can I be more impactful? How can I give more? How can I make somebody else's day better? And I started doing that over and over and over and over again.
(14:09)
And bam, things shifted fast. And I will say it doesn't matter so much what's happening in the world, but I am getting consultation requests again, and people are wanting to hear more about my work and clients are signing up. Of course, that's wonderful. But the bigger thing is, is that I feel excited about my life again, and that alone is enough because I feel totally different and I feel like I love how I'm showing up and I love who I'm being in the world, and this version of me is a lot more fun. And a side note, I have a date coming up and I haven't had a date in months. So all this energy shift is really improving my life in ways that I expect, in ways I didn't expect. So what does this have to do with you of what you're going through in your breakup or your divorce? I share all this because we are the ones responsible for getting ourselves out of our tailspin. And honestly, most of us aren't going to do that until we hit bottom because that's the point where it's like, I can't go on anymore. I don't have a choice that hurt way too much. I am tired of the moping. I'm tired of this victim thinking that everything bad is happening to me. I got to make a change.
(15:39)
You might hear this and you might pull yourself out of it before you hit bottom. Totally fine. It's also totally fine if you need to hit the pain of the bottom. That's why it's there. Sometimes we need pain to instigate a change. It is your responsibility to get yourself out of your own tailspin. And the way that you're going to do that is first by looking at any shame, blame or regret that you have, it's going to be really hard to move forward if you have any of those showing up. And it's going to take some courage to look at those things because they're not necessarily pleasant. But what we have to do is we have to really own, I made the choices I made.
(16:31)
I did the things that I did. It does not make me a bad person. Shame is trying to tell you you are a bad person for what you did, but just because I did some things or I made some mistakes or I behaved in a certain way that maybe wasn't up to my own standards, that does not make me a bad person. And I'm going to practice radically accepting myself, radically loving myself because it matters if I don't love myself and if I don't accept myself, it's really hard for anybody else to do that. People are going to meet you at the same level that you are at. And so the more that you love and accept yourself, the more of a healthy relationship you'll find in the future because they can meet you at that level. They can't love you and accept you more than you accept yourself because you'll just think it's a disconnect.
(17:26)
It doesn't match. You'll be like, why do you like me so much? And you'll reject their love. That's why it's important to invest in that for ourselves, doing that for ourselves so that we don't reject other people's love when they try to give it to us. Okay, so that's the first practice I want you to take away from this is really look at any shame, blame or regret that you're facing, and meet yourself with radical acceptance and compassion for what you have gone through. You've gone through a lot. I know it. If you're listening to this, I know you've gone through a lot. Okay?
(18:07)
The second step is to get really clear of what is not working about the way you're living right now and let go of anything that's not serving you. You need to do a full detox. Go ahead. Go back to my detox episode if you need to revisit that. But let go of stuff that you don't want anymore, that doesn't feel like you anymore, that doesn't resonate, that brings up bad feelings. Let it go. Donate those clothes, donate those objects. I gave away a whole bunch of gifts that my exes had given me, and I repurposed them and gave them away to other people. I let them know. It wasn't like I didn't hide that. It was a re-gifting to let go of those things that just don't feel like you anymore, that don't feel right, or they don't belong in where you're going in your future.
(18:59)
And then this is the super important thing. These steps are each really important, but this is so, so important. It's really hard to let go if you don't have a future of, if you don't have a vision of what you want for your future, I'll say it again. It's really hard to let go if you don't have a vision for the future that you want. Because if you don't have a vision for your future, all you have is to look backwards to what you've already had. And that's the only thing that's clear because you've already had it. And this is why most people keep creating the same thing over and over and over and over again in their life because they don't proactively think of the future of what do I really want? I want to get clear on what that looks like, right? Most people don't do that.
(19:45)
Most people look backwards. They're like, what have I already had? And they keep recreating that because they're focused on the past or they say stuck in the past. But the beautiful thing about the future is that it hasn't happened yet. So anything is possible. There aren't any limits. You can have whatever you want. You just have to name it. You have to get clear about what it is, and then you have to figure out what do I need? What is my optimum conditions for thriving for me? I have to work out, I have to eat healthy, I have to sleep, I have to drink lot of water. It sounds basic, but those things really help. I have to have time to sit and read because I love binging a novel of getting halfway through in one sitting, especially if I get to sit by a pool or a, I have to spend time with people I love. I have to have a hobby.
(20:48)
These things are really important. They keep me in connection with myself so that I know that I still love me. I still got me. I'm still doing the things that bring me joy. So what are those things for you? What are the things I that make you feel most like you? Is it going for a run? Is it going back to social dancing? Is it playing hooky and going to see a movie in the afternoon? I love that, by the way. That's one of my favorite things. Is it going to a cooking class or a wine tasting with friends?
(21:34)
Figure out what those things are for you and keep doing them. Invest in your joy. And speaking of investing, ask for help. One of the biggest things that I did was I signed up with two coaches, and I hadn't done that in a while. I know how important it is for me to be working with a coach because I like having the structure and accountability to look at my mind and question the stuff that's not working, and to have somebody on the outside to really help and guide me through it. I can coach myself. Of course, we can all DIY it, but it is so much faster and more efficient and more effective if I'm working with somebody else. Plus I get the benefit of being supported, having somebody who loves me no matter how messy I am, no matter how much shame I think I should have, no matter how many bad decisions I think I did, my coach loves me and they want to help me, and they want me to be happy.
(22:42)
Having that support, I mean, is invaluable to me, and that's really one of the things that massively helped me get out of my tailspin. So I share all this in hoping that you hear I'm not perfect. I'm also a mess just like you. I am also still figuring it out, just like it just shows up in different ways as we move through our life. We still get challenges all the time. And I'm not perfect. Like I said, I teach this stuff and I couldn't see it in my own life and I couldn't apply it to myself. I had to get help. So don't be ashamed to ask for help, okay? And if I can help you with that, I want to do that for you. I am doing something really different right now for the summer because I really want connection. I really want community, and I want to hear from you.
(23:44)
I want to make these connections through as I speak to my microphone and into your ears. I want to get to know you. So please, I'm offering some free coffee chats where we get on Zoom, you bring your favorite beverage and they're having all times of day, so it doesn't have to be coffee, but I like the alliteration of a coffee chat. We're going to get together on Zoom for 30 minutes, and we're just going to talk. You can tell me your story if you want. I'm here to listen. You can ask me questions, I can tell you whatever you want to hear. We're just going to get to know each other over Zoom, and I want to build this community really, really strong. I want to help you through what you're going through and I want to hear about it. And I want you to know that you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.
(24:29)
This is totally free, by the way, just 30 minutes that you get to connect with me and we can talk more. Alright? So I'm going to put the link for that so you can grab a time on my calendar and we can make this a summer of connection, a summer of healing, a summer of coming home to yourself, okay, my friends. So don't sleep on that. I'm not going to be doing it for very long because I want my calendar full of connection and opportunities to talk to people, and I'm only going to be offering it for a little bit of time. So make sure you get on my calendar quickly, and I look forward to the opportunity to get to talk to you more. I will talk to you soon. I hope you have a wonderful week. I hope this episode helped. Have a great day.