In this heartfelt episode, Allison shares her journey of leaving a long-term emotionally abusive marriage and turning her experience into books and coaching that help other women heal. She explains how to recognize emotional abuse, why emotional safety and trusting your intuition matter, and how subconscious beliefs can shape your relationships and self-worth. Listeners will learn practical tools for challenging limiting beliefs, using evidence-based affirmations, and working through fears about dating again. Above all, this conversation offers hope and a meaningful reminder that healing begins by recognizing your value and reconnecting with who you truly are.
Follow Her on Social Media:
IG: @allisonkdagney
FG: @allisonkdagney
The Be a Better You Podcast ⬇️
Share with Sarah your thoughts on Instagram @sarahcurnoles
Find her on https://www.cassandrarosa.com/
Follow her on instagram @Cassandrarosa
00:00:01.940 --> 00:00:07.960
Sarah Curnoles: Alright, my friends, we've got Allison Dagny here. I am so happy to have you here. Welcome!
00:00:07.960 --> 00:00:13.999
Allison: Thank you! I'm so happy to be here with you and, share some of my story with your audience.
00:00:14.000 --> 00:00:21.430
Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, so… so let's just jump in. Tell me your story. So, I know that there's been a lot that you've gone through, and you've turned it into books.
00:00:21.890 --> 00:00:23.679
Sarah Curnoles: But how did it all begin?
00:00:23.900 --> 00:00:41.170
Allison: Okay, so I'm gonna take you back to when I was about 19 years old. I met a man, he was also 19, and we entered into this really, like, whirlwind relationship, and it was very fast moving, and there was a lot of…
00:00:41.170 --> 00:00:45.229
Allison: Strong professions of love, and…
00:00:45.290 --> 00:00:59.090
Allison: love bombing, gifts, trips, different things like that. So, growing up, I was in that, like, Disney princess, world, where I believed that
00:00:59.170 --> 00:01:07.599
Allison: love looked a certain way, and you were gonna ride off into the sunset, and everything's gonna be perfect, and all that stuff. So when… when this person came along, that was what…
00:01:07.870 --> 00:01:11.009
Allison: I thought was gonna be my life.
00:01:11.190 --> 00:01:22.290
Allison: Fast forward, we ended up getting married shortly after that, and I was in a 20-year relationship. We were married for 17 years, and we have 3 kids.
00:01:22.400 --> 00:01:40.950
Allison: And I was miserable. Miserable. I thought, this is not what I thought this was gonna be. We fought constantly. There was so many issues that I was just depressed and sad. I had a lot of anxiety, and…
00:01:41.200 --> 00:01:43.359
Allison: I really thought that I was the problem.
00:01:43.470 --> 00:01:45.829
Allison: I thought that I was the one
00:01:46.180 --> 00:01:50.620
Allison: who was creating all of the stressors and problems in my marriage. And…
00:01:51.290 --> 00:02:07.749
Allison: What I came to find out, towards the end of the marriage, was that I was being emotionally abused, and after doing some research, realized that my ex-husband had a lot of traits that I would say were covert narcissism.
00:02:07.780 --> 00:02:20.040
Allison: And covert, for people who don't know, is just a hidden kind of narcissism. It's not, like, the in-your-face kind of, person who thinks they're better than you, or, you know.
00:02:20.450 --> 00:02:25.049
Allison: degrades you verbally, things like that. He never said a cuss word.
00:02:25.200 --> 00:02:26.860
Allison: He never yelled.
00:02:27.220 --> 00:02:39.200
Allison: everything was… the volume got lower as I got louder. I was accused of being the problem. I was accused of having PMDD. I was accused of being crazy. I was accused of needing help.
00:02:39.250 --> 00:02:52.219
Allison: So, throughout this whole time, I am just being chipped away at, and feeling like I'm this, like, horrible wife, horrible person. Once I realized what was actually happening to me, I planned an escape.
00:02:52.630 --> 00:02:57.789
Allison: And exited that marriage of, you know, essentially 17 years.
00:02:57.920 --> 00:03:02.079
Allison: And it was the scariest thing I ever had to do in my whole life.
00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:06.930
Allison: But, once I got out, I started to realize that
00:03:07.290 --> 00:03:26.319
Allison: you know, this has to be happening to other people. I can't possibly be the only person that has gone through this, and I had a very nice home. We had a lot of money, we had properties, we had, our kids in private schools. Everything looked great from the outside.
00:03:26.990 --> 00:03:30.020
Allison: But behind closed doors, I was a miserable mess.
00:03:30.190 --> 00:03:45.399
Allison: And I had thoughts and dreams of my ex-husband, now ex-husband, but back then, if he would just die, like, if he would just die, I don't care how he died, it didn't matter to me. Falling off a ladder, getting hit by a bus.
00:03:45.400 --> 00:03:56.129
Allison: you know, going off the side of the road, it didn't matter. Like, if he would die, my life would be so much easier. So, what I did was, I was like, I gotta write a book. I gotta write a story about this so that other people know.
00:03:56.920 --> 00:03:58.559
Allison: That this is what's…
00:03:58.830 --> 00:04:17.070
Allison: happening, like, that you could be in a quote-unquote, like, normal-looking life and have a lot of trauma behind it. So, I wrote my first book, When Tears Leave Scars, and that's been out for several years now, and then, after that, I wrote another book, which is a follow-up to that, which was the, like, post-divorce
00:04:17.220 --> 00:04:32.529
Allison: trauma and all the things that I had to deal with there. And then I wrote a third book, which is, like, the self-help healing book that came with that. So, I'm also a coach that helps women recover from emotional abuse. So, that's kind of the story of how I got here.
00:04:33.100 --> 00:04:48.639
Sarah Curnoles: I love that, and oh my gosh, I mean, you told it so succinctly, too. So, if people want more, obviously, they can get the details in the book, and they can get your full story, but what I'm really interested in, could we talk a little bit about
00:04:49.010 --> 00:04:56.259
Sarah Curnoles: like, what… how do you define emotional abuse, right? It's not the abuse you can see, so how do you define it?
00:04:56.260 --> 00:05:08.950
Allison: Mmm, oh my gosh, that's such a good question. Because most people who hear the word abuse, they think of bruises, they think of, punched holes in the walls, they think of broken bones, and things like that.
00:05:09.070 --> 00:05:28.110
Allison: Emotional abuse is… it can be kind of intertwined with, like, psychological abuse. Emotional abuse can include verbal abuse as well. Verbal abuse was never really… I mean, I say it wasn't really… I mean, he would say I was a bad wife and say I was a bad Christian and a bad mom, right? So that can be abusive, too. But…
00:05:28.390 --> 00:05:34.600
Allison: Emotional abuse has a lot of psychological elements to it that Physical abuse.
00:05:34.600 --> 00:05:58.540
Allison: doesn't have, but I need to say this very clearly. If you are being physically abused, you're also being emotionally abused and psychologically abused. Like, you could be emotionally abused and not be physically abused, but if you're being physically abused, you're also being emotionally abused. Always. Like, there's… you're not just having, like, somebody who's a really nice, wonderful human being to you, and then only physically abusing you. Like, that's not a reality.
00:05:58.610 --> 00:06:04.319
Allison: So, the emotional abuse aspect includes a lot of,
00:06:04.380 --> 00:06:13.610
Allison: Dismissing you, dismissing your emotions, making you feel that you're crazy, making you feel like that you're a problem.
00:06:13.610 --> 00:06:18.610
Allison: They do not take accountability for their part in the relationship.
00:06:18.610 --> 00:06:35.789
Allison: They will often criticize you, downplay what you're going through, they will often gaslight you. Gaslighting is… a lot of people don't understand what gaslighting is, and so I love to explain it, because a lot of times, people think gaslighting is just lying.
00:06:36.000 --> 00:06:45.340
Allison: Lying is lying, right? Somebody can lie to you, that's a lie. But gaslighting is when someone lies to you and then tells you that you're crazy because you don't believe their lies.
00:06:45.450 --> 00:06:56.739
Allison: Right? So they make you believe that you're crazy, and then you start doubting yourself. So, like, an example of gaslighting would be, like, my ex, taking my keys to my, car.
00:06:56.740 --> 00:07:09.570
Allison: Because he had to drive it, and then not putting it back on the hook. And so I'm looking all over for the keys, I'm like, where are the keys, where are the keys? I don't know, I don't know, they're your keys. I'm like, you used them last, right? Well, they're missing for, like, 6 months. The spare set of keys are missing.
00:07:09.670 --> 00:07:22.280
Allison: Right? And then one day, I had to go… I don't know, I got his suit out of the closet or something, for a funeral or something that had to be, dry cleaned. And I found the keys in the pocket.
00:07:23.200 --> 00:07:31.609
Allison: And when I approached him about it, he said, oh, you must have put them there, you're crazy, you probably stuck them there, blah blah blah, right? So, it wasn't just like.
00:07:31.920 --> 00:07:35.769
Allison: Him lying about where the keys were, like, he didn't know where they were.
00:07:35.850 --> 00:07:52.360
Allison: but also making me feel like I was crazy for being like, you put them here, I didn't… you probably put them there. He actually made me start to question myself and think, did I put those keys in his pocket? That makes no sense in any reality, why I would put those keys in his pants pocket.
00:07:52.470 --> 00:07:56.989
Allison: But I started to believe it, right? That's… that's part of emotional abuse.
00:07:57.250 --> 00:08:14.469
Allison: So there's a lot of elements and a lot of things that can constitute this and qualify as emotional abuse, but I think the one thing that most people should pay attention to if you're curious or if you feel that way, is that
00:08:15.000 --> 00:08:17.630
Allison: Am I feeling safe?
00:08:18.790 --> 00:08:20.919
Allison: And if you are not feeling safe.
00:08:21.450 --> 00:08:32.150
Allison: then there is a reason, right? So, I was not feeling safe in my relationship, not because I was afraid he was gonna hurt me physically, but I didn't feel safe emotionally.
00:08:32.289 --> 00:08:49.970
Allison: Right? I felt like I was constantly being criticized, constantly being put down. I didn't have… my feelings didn't have room. I was told that I was crazy, right? These are the things, like, am I feeling emotionally safe here? And if the answer is no, then it's probably a good indicator to look into emotional abuse.
00:08:50.140 --> 00:09:07.119
Sarah Curnoles: I think that's huge, and it's something that we skip so often, because we… we know if we don't feel physically safe with somebody, and we just sort of take for granted the emotionally safe thing of, like, oh, they say the right things, they seem to be
00:09:07.160 --> 00:09:19.969
Sarah Curnoles: they seem to be asking me the right questions on the date, and we never really check in with ourselves of, like, but do I feel emotionally safe with this person? And I had… I've looked back at my relationships with,
00:09:20.220 --> 00:09:23.039
Sarah Curnoles: I had somebody who was cheating on me.
00:09:23.730 --> 00:09:39.700
Sarah Curnoles: for most of the relationship with somebody who lived 2,000 miles away. Like, he was even flying to go see her, and I was just chalking it up to, like, we were both busy, we both had two jobs, so, like, I just figured our schedules weren't lining up.
00:09:39.860 --> 00:09:44.409
Sarah Curnoles: But there were those internal moments of, like, something doesn't feel right.
00:09:45.170 --> 00:09:47.860
Sarah Curnoles: But I was like, I'm just being silly, and I would…
00:09:48.180 --> 00:09:53.450
Sarah Curnoles: scooted off, and when I look back on it, I was like, I never really felt emotionally safe with him.
00:09:53.450 --> 00:10:08.439
Allison: Yeah, and like, what you just mentioned, too, about, like, that intuition, I think a lot of times as women, we… we dismiss our own feel… our own emotions and our own, intuition, because we think, oh, I'm just being dramatic, or oh, I'm just being.
00:10:08.440 --> 00:10:08.830
Sarah Curnoles: Yeah.
00:10:08.830 --> 00:10:20.650
Allison: oh, like, that would never happen. Or, like, we dismiss it, and we should be paying attention to it. Like, we should be listening to that voice, right? It doesn't mean that you are…
00:10:20.900 --> 00:10:33.279
Allison: jaded, or, like, super skeptical. It's protection. Like, there's a reason that you feel that way. Right. And instead of dismissing your own… like, people are already dismissing your feelings, like, let's try to honor them.
00:10:33.380 --> 00:10:34.939
Allison: Right. For ourselves.
00:10:35.020 --> 00:10:53.609
Sarah Curnoles: I hate to say it, but, like, if you're not emotionally safe with somebody, best case scenario, you get into a not satisfying relationship, where you can't be your full self, and you end up having to play small. That's the best case. The worst case is your situation. Right. So, we don't want either of those.
00:10:53.610 --> 00:11:06.450
Allison: No, no, because I've seen that many, many times, where if you don't feel, like, the best case scenario, like you said, if I don't feel emotionally safe, I can't be my true, authentic self. Like, I have to, like.
00:11:06.450 --> 00:11:19.209
Allison: mmm, are they gonna like this? Or if I say that, are they gonna, you know, think I'm weird? Or, you know, like, those kinds of things, right? That's not… you don't have emotional safety there either, right? And that's not okay, because what can happen…
00:11:19.350 --> 00:11:29.619
Allison: Right? Is that you could end up in a long-term relationship with somebody, and then continually make yourself small, and lose your whole identity. Right. You won't know who you are at the end of that relationship.
00:11:29.620 --> 00:11:34.379
Sarah Curnoles: Right. Like, hello, that was my whole story. So, a lot of people can relate to that.
00:11:34.380 --> 00:11:36.270
Allison: Absolutely, yeah.
00:11:36.520 --> 00:11:45.520
Sarah Curnoles: Okay, and I know… so your work does a lot of work with subconscious healing, the subconscious mind. How do you define the subconscious mind?
00:11:46.550 --> 00:11:56.330
Allison: So, the subconscious mind is just the part of your mind that… You don't have… Immediate awareness of.
00:11:56.550 --> 00:12:12.759
Allison: It is absolutely able to be accessed, and most people think that it's some of this, like, deep, dark cavern, or, like, something that we can't… we can only experience in our dream state, but really, it's not.
00:12:12.760 --> 00:12:18.030
Allison: Really, your subconscious mind is just the house
00:12:18.040 --> 00:12:23.480
Allison: For all of the things that you've been programmed with since the day you were born.
00:12:23.530 --> 00:12:36.260
Allison: So, if you grew up in a household where your parents were always saying, you can do anything you put your mind to, just keep working really hard, and I know you can do it, right? If you…
00:12:36.260 --> 00:12:45.739
Allison: not only heard those words, but witnessed other people having success that way. Having your own success that way. You are going to grow up very confident.
00:12:45.940 --> 00:12:47.020
Allison: In your life.
00:12:47.540 --> 00:12:53.699
Allison: If you grow up in a family where they're like, you're so stupid, you can't do anything right.
00:12:53.880 --> 00:13:00.059
Allison: Look at how you make mistakes all the time, right? If you start believing those kinds of things.
00:13:00.420 --> 00:13:11.420
Allison: All of the self-doubt creeps in, and that becomes your program as an adult. So, your programming is dictating your reality. So, whatever you believe.
00:13:11.420 --> 00:13:22.679
Allison: is shaping how you move forward into your relationships, in your life, at your job, in all the places. So, really, the subconscious mind is…
00:13:24.410 --> 00:13:42.339
Allison: kind of like a computer program, how I would think of it. Like, it's like a computer program. Whatever it's been programmed with is just gonna be what your operating system is. And the thing that I help people do is change the programming when it's that second scenario, like I said, when it's a really negative kind of,
00:13:42.550 --> 00:14:02.089
Allison: limiting belief kind of scenario that's causing you to spiral, that's causing you to people-please, that's causing you not to be able to set boundaries, like, whatever those things are. So, it's not something that is, like, hard to access. You can really just ask people questions and hear their subconscious beliefs. I mean, you and I, we were on a podcast on my podcast, and
00:14:02.090 --> 00:14:09.690
Allison: We talked about some of those things, too, that What people believe is… Essentially, what drives their behavior.
00:14:10.270 --> 00:14:11.340
Allison: Does that answer your question?
00:14:11.340 --> 00:14:29.850
Sarah Curnoles: Totally. And I know one of your pet peeves are bad affirmations. And when I say bad affirmations, it might sound good, like, I… my life is getting better in every way, right? I think that's the Louise Hay one. Yeah, yeah. But, so,
00:14:30.210 --> 00:14:35.490
Sarah Curnoles: Can you explain… Your approach to affirmations, and why those kind of bug you.
00:14:35.490 --> 00:14:43.770
Allison: Yes, okay, thank you for asking me this question. I love, love talking about this. So… Bad affirmations Okay.
00:14:44.000 --> 00:14:54.790
Allison: Affirmations aren't inherently bad, right? Like, it's not bad to say, my life is getting better, and, I'm amazing, and life is beautiful. Like, that is not a bad thing.
00:14:55.090 --> 00:15:02.060
Allison: The reason I don't like it is because if you're not using it in the right way, it's really kind of a waste of time.
00:15:02.140 --> 00:15:18.210
Allison: And here's what I mean by this. If I… and also, there's gaslighting elements to affirmation sometimes, and I'll talk about that, but if, let's say, you truly have been programmed your whole life to believe that you are just not intelligent.
00:15:18.430 --> 00:15:33.350
Allison: You're stupid, you're unintelligent, blah blah blah blah. If you go into the mirror every day and be like, I'm so intelligent, I'm the most intelligent woman in my whole neighborhood, I'm the most intelligent woman in the whole world, right? Like, your brain's, like, going, - like, no, you're not, what are you talking about?
00:15:33.350 --> 00:15:40.480
Allison: So, it's like, you could say it till you're blue in the face, but your subconscious isn't gonna get on board. The subconscious speaks in images.
00:15:41.110 --> 00:15:48.510
Allison: analogies, stories, emotion, that is the language of the subconscious mind. So.
00:15:48.710 --> 00:16:01.649
Allison: Instead, what I tell people to do, if you're going to say an affirmation, back it up with evidence, okay? So, if you're saying, I am intelligent, and you want to start believing that about yourself to improve your confidence.
00:16:01.750 --> 00:16:21.640
Allison: then let's go back in time and look at times that you did things that were intelligent, okay? And I'm not talking about, like, because you might be like, well, I failed every single class. I mean, I skated by with C's, and I graduated, but, like, I had horrible grades. - - no. What was… what else is a indicator of intelligence?
00:16:21.980 --> 00:16:23.920
Allison: Right? Did you build something?
00:16:24.100 --> 00:16:36.489
Allison: That's intelligent. Did you evade some bad situation because you were using your brain? That's intelligent, right? So we have to pull evidence from life, because then our brain goes, oh yeah!
00:16:36.490 --> 00:16:46.419
Allison: That was intelligent. It's gonna get behind that. It's not gonna get behind you just trying to gaslight yourself into believing you're intelligent just by repeating it over and over and over again. So…
00:16:46.820 --> 00:16:57.659
Allison: That is the part that I think a lot of people miss when it comes to affirmations. Same thing with, like, subliminals and stuff like that. I mean, I'm not here to knock any of those things, I just think…
00:16:57.880 --> 00:17:04.709
Allison: It could be enhanced if you did things that actually speak the language of the subconscious mind.
00:17:05.909 --> 00:17:07.349
Sarah Curnoles: I love this.
00:17:07.479 --> 00:17:25.699
Sarah Curnoles: and I have, like, light bulbs going off of, like, you know, like, courses I've taken where they don't explain it as well as you just did, and they just tell you to do the thing of, like, oh, just find the evidence, and so I don't think I fully took advantage of what they were teaching.
00:17:25.700 --> 00:17:26.170
Allison: Yeah.
00:17:26.170 --> 00:17:37.770
Sarah Curnoles: Because, tell me why. Tell me, tell me why, and I will trust it, and I will try it. I'll say I'll try it, and then I trust it. I won't always do it if you just tell me to do it.
00:17:37.770 --> 00:17:53.390
Allison: Yeah, well, and here's another, like, tip that I share with my clients sometimes, is that if you're struggling to come up with evidence, use AI to help you come up with evidence. So what you can do is you can say, like, I'm really struggling with this belief that I am…
00:17:53.510 --> 00:17:54.520
Allison: good enough.
00:17:55.230 --> 00:18:09.760
Allison: Right? Because you keep believing, I'm not good enough, I'm not good enough, and so I'm struggling with this belief that I am good enough. Could you give me some examples, or some evidence, or proof of other people who are good enough, and why they're good enough?
00:18:09.820 --> 00:18:19.309
Allison: Because you don't even have to always have it be about you, you could see the possibilities of people around you. Like, oh yeah, it will say, this is what it will tell you. It will say something like.
00:18:20.170 --> 00:18:22.340
Allison: If a woman goes missing.
00:18:22.830 --> 00:18:36.940
Allison: Right? And the police and search parties are available to go help her. They're not sitting at a table asking for her family and friends and everybody she knows to write why she's worthy of going to be saved.
00:18:38.220 --> 00:18:40.030
Allison: They just go save her.
00:18:41.250 --> 00:18:59.119
Allison: Right? So, giving your mind some, like, your, yes, yes, like, I am good enough, right? Just the way that I am. So, but sometimes we need, like, a visual, or, like, a story, or something behind it to help it, versus, like, just saying, yes, I am good enough. I know people are good enough.
00:18:59.120 --> 00:19:05.349
Allison: Everybody's got inherent worth. Your brain isn't gonna be able to… To process that as easily.
00:19:05.740 --> 00:19:08.040
Sarah Curnoles: And I think this is also why…
00:19:08.120 --> 00:19:27.310
Sarah Curnoles: why stories can be so powerful? Like, the movies you watch, the TV shows that you watch, like, what are you literally feeding your brain as possibilities? Yeah. I try so hard to not watch the bad dating shows, but they suck me in. Like,
00:19:27.760 --> 00:19:36.079
Sarah Curnoles: Netflix just has their new season of Ultimatum out, and I started it, and I'm like, I don't think I can watch this. This is so bad.
00:19:36.650 --> 00:19:44.910
Sarah Curnoles: Because it's… it's a lot of toxic patterns that are playing out, and I can't… I don't want to put that into my brain.
00:19:44.910 --> 00:19:50.050
Allison: Yeah, it's easy to get sucked into that stuff, and they do it on purpose, they make it that way.
00:19:50.050 --> 00:19:51.130
Sarah Curnoles: Of course they have to.
00:19:51.130 --> 00:19:56.010
Allison: Yeah, I mean, it wouldn't be getting ratings or anything like that if it didn't, but…
00:19:56.150 --> 00:20:00.949
Allison: Sometimes I go into… because I'll watch those things, too, sometimes I go into it with, like, a…
00:20:01.290 --> 00:20:12.830
Allison: psychology kind of mindset, like, trying to, like, understand their… and that, to me, like, I can still be entertained without getting sucked into the toxicity, because I'm, like, looking at it from, like, a different angle, so…
00:20:12.830 --> 00:20:32.679
Sarah Curnoles: Yeah, but watching something like… I just watched, voicemails for Isabelle on Netflix, that my mom recommended it, and so did my sister, who doesn't even like romantic comedies. And it had some moments that made me tear up of, like, that kind of connection is really lovely and beautiful. They had some moments like that written in, but that's…
00:20:33.040 --> 00:20:37.930
Sarah Curnoles: I can use that as evidence of, like, look, that's an example of a connection.
00:20:37.930 --> 00:20:42.069
Allison: Exactly. Yeah, the more you can find proof.
00:20:42.180 --> 00:20:52.879
Allison: of possibility, the faster your perspective is going to shift, and the quicker your brain is going to shift. So, like, the actual neural pathways in your brain
00:20:52.880 --> 00:21:02.600
Allison: are built on repetition, right? So, if, like, I use the example of, I'm so stupid, like, if you are believing that your whole life.
00:21:02.600 --> 00:21:14.830
Allison: and you operate out of that, right? Well, you don't have to keep believing that. We can change it. So, the way that it gets changed is you weaken the old neural pathway with the evidence, showing that, wait a minute, maybe I'm not so stupid, maybe…
00:21:15.000 --> 00:21:25.459
Allison: there have been plenty of times that I've been not stupid, right? Then what happens is, actually, physically in your brain, that neural pathway starts to jump, and it starts to make a new pathway.
00:21:25.610 --> 00:21:34.809
Allison: the old one starts to die or, like, weaken, and so the next thing that comes up isn't an automatic thought of, oh, I can't do that, I'm so stupid, it's…
00:21:34.910 --> 00:21:39.250
Allison: I can handle it, or yeah, I can figure it out, right? So it's totally different.
00:21:39.670 --> 00:21:40.689
Sarah Curnoles: I love that.
00:21:41.150 --> 00:21:55.100
Sarah Curnoles: Okay, so I know that a lot of my listeners want to date again, but if you've been through emotional abuse, or even a really hard breakup, it can be terrifying to think about dating again.
00:21:55.400 --> 00:21:59.020
Sarah Curnoles: How… how did you know you were truly ready?
00:21:59.420 --> 00:22:00.949
Allison: Yeah, so…
00:22:01.080 --> 00:22:08.030
Allison: And I help clients with this too, so I can speak on this, and how this, works in the real world. So…
00:22:08.070 --> 00:22:15.539
Allison: For me, I probably wasn't ready, honestly. But I always say…
00:22:15.560 --> 00:22:31.489
Allison: to people that you're not gonna know what your triggers are, like, your real issues, if you're not in a relationship. So, if you have this idea that, like, oh, I've gotta get fully healed before I can get in a relationship, or I gotta be, you know, like, not have triggers until I can start dating again, like.
00:22:31.500 --> 00:22:42.779
Allison: I think there's something to be said for working through some of your things, working through your issues, like, dealing with the difficult things, facing your trauma, like, all that stuff, but I don't think it should be, like.
00:22:43.470 --> 00:22:59.850
Allison: I'm not going to do this until I'm fully healed, because really healing is a journey, and you're probably never going to be fully healed. You'll get better, and it will get faster, and you'll feel better over time, but things happen. Life is… life is life, and things are always happening and changing. So…
00:23:00.360 --> 00:23:10.999
Allison: From a perspective of dating and getting into a new relationship, and the fears that come up with that, what I always suggest is write down
00:23:11.340 --> 00:23:19.319
Allison: like, do what I call a mind map exercise. So in the middle of the page, if you're afraid, like, to date again, right?
00:23:19.820 --> 00:23:34.849
Allison: or start dating, after a breakup, or divorce, or whatever, then write down all of your thoughts that come up when you're feeling afraid. You're thinking about, put yourself there, put yourself in that, like, oh, somebody swiped on the app, and they're ready, and they asked me for a date. Put yourself there, oh my god.
00:23:35.070 --> 00:23:51.520
Allison: Put yourself in the position of somebody, reaching out to you that was an old friend from high school, and they want to take you out. And you're like, oh my god, like, what is this? Right, put yourself in that situation that creates the fear for you. Then what you do is, all around the paper, write down what are the things you're thinking about.
00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:53.439
Allison: What are you believing?
00:23:54.380 --> 00:23:57.769
Allison: I'm not ready for a relationship. I can't do this.
00:23:58.030 --> 00:24:01.660
Allison: I'm not gonna be able to do, deal with this.
00:24:01.810 --> 00:24:19.909
Allison: all men are bad, whatever it is, right? Like, and don't judge it. Just put it all down. Then what you do is you look at it, and you're like, oh my gosh, like, here are all the things that I believe. Those things that you're believing are what's creating the fear. So if you don't want to be feeling afraid, you have to
00:24:19.970 --> 00:24:25.499
Allison: shift the perspective of the things that you're believing, right? So, all men are bad, is that true?
00:24:26.200 --> 00:24:37.360
Allison: No, but you probably have a deep fear about it if you've been cheated on 14 times and been abused, right? So you'll be like, yeah, I'm not gonna date, because all men are bad, right? But could you think of any men that aren't bad?
00:24:37.540 --> 00:24:46.899
Allison: Do you have a dad that's not bad? Do you have a brother? Do you have a friend? Do you have a sister's husband? Do you have… like, is there anybody in the real world that you don't think is bad? Right?
00:24:47.030 --> 00:24:54.920
Allison: I don't know, celebrities, or, like, anything like that, right? So it's just shifting some possibility here, and when you do that, then you start to eliminate the fears.
00:24:55.350 --> 00:25:07.050
Allison: So that's how I would help somebody, like, actually move into that sort of state. Now, there's a… there are layers to this, right? Because that could be, like, the first thing. But then it could be, like, yeah, but…
00:25:08.970 --> 00:25:13.280
Allison: What if I have to, like… kiss them.
00:25:13.520 --> 00:25:15.969
Allison: Or what if they expect me to get intimate?
00:25:16.320 --> 00:25:20.049
Allison: Or, you know, like, then all of a sudden you're, like, in totally new territory.
00:25:20.210 --> 00:25:24.969
Allison: Like, oh, what if I don't know how to say no? What if I hurt their feelings?
00:25:25.870 --> 00:25:40.929
Allison: Right, so there's layers and layers and layers to this work, but you start with the emotion, and then you write down all the things that come up, and typically what's gonna happen is you start shifting it, other things are gonna come up. I call these yeah buts.
00:25:41.290 --> 00:25:51.090
Allison: Yeah, but, like, yeah, but this, yeah, but that, right? Again, just more beliefs. Just write them down. Just keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going. Usually, you'll hit a root somewhere, and you'll be like.
00:25:51.790 --> 00:25:53.270
Allison: This is why.
00:25:53.270 --> 00:25:53.960
Sarah Curnoles: I can't.
00:25:53.960 --> 00:25:56.739
Allison: Let's start dating again.
00:25:57.580 --> 00:26:00.989
Sarah Curnoles: I love that. And I love that method, too, and…
00:26:01.180 --> 00:26:17.209
Sarah Curnoles: What I also hear is, let it be messy, let it be imperfect, you're not gonna know all of them before you start, and it's okay, it's okay to start before you feel fully ready, and let yourself figure it out as you go.
00:26:17.590 --> 00:26:21.689
Sarah Curnoles: And have that grace and compassion, because nobody's perfect.
00:26:21.690 --> 00:26:24.670
Allison: No, and, and… The thing that…
00:26:24.920 --> 00:26:34.289
Allison: I think is important is that actually putting pen to paper with this, versus just, like, trying to process it in your head.
00:26:34.600 --> 00:26:43.450
Allison: is so much more powerful, right? Because you might have 45 things going on in your brain, but if you don't get it on paper, you're not seeing it.
00:26:43.590 --> 00:26:45.540
Allison: And you can't do anything with it if it's.
00:26:45.540 --> 00:26:45.949
Sarah Curnoles: up here?
00:26:45.950 --> 00:26:59.170
Allison: your head, right? So it's like, oh my gosh, look at all… I got 45… I sometimes send clients, in one session, 45 beliefs that they said. And I'm like, okay, we gotta tackle these one by one. Because here's how I look at it, like.
00:26:59.700 --> 00:27:06.050
Allison: Whatever… You are… doing… In life, like your behaviors.
00:27:06.290 --> 00:27:24.989
Allison: If you're avoiding things, or if you can't set boundaries, or you're getting triggered in a relationship, or you won't take action to go on a date, or whatever that is. That is all coming from what's happening on a subconscious level. It's based on what you believe. So your beliefs are creating your emotions, and your emotions drive your behaviors.
00:27:25.310 --> 00:27:35.009
Allison: Right? So, the thing that most people aren't aware of when I say 45 beliefs is one neural pathway is like a rope, okay? So it's like a…
00:27:35.210 --> 00:27:36.949
Allison: 45 fibers in it.
00:27:37.190 --> 00:27:53.919
Allison: So if you want to snip that neural pathway so that you can get rid of the fear, then you've got to get rid of each individual fiber. You've got to weaken that rope over and over. So, this work is not like, oh, one day I'm just gonna, like, believe something different.
00:28:26.510 --> 00:28:34.659
Allison: So, you just gotta think about it like this rope that has all of these fibers in it, and if you want to…
00:28:34.870 --> 00:28:48.490
Allison: stop feeling a certain way, right? That one neural pathway is creating that for you. You'll have to unravel each one of those fibers. There could be 45 in one neural pathway. And so…
00:28:48.490 --> 00:28:57.220
Allison: that's the thing most people don't realize, is they just think, oh, I have this belief that I'm not good enough. Well, no, that's your one neural pathway. You probably have other beliefs that are like.
00:28:57.430 --> 00:29:12.680
Allison: You know, nobody cares about me, I'm stupid, I can't do anything right, I'll never make it, life is too horrible because of my choices, I make mistakes all the time. Like, those are the things, right? So we might have one thing
00:29:12.680 --> 00:29:19.739
Allison: That's driving that emotion or that behavior, but we have to get to the root of all of that, which is like that rope.
00:29:19.740 --> 00:29:20.599
Allison: Does that make sense?
00:29:20.600 --> 00:29:27.259
Sarah Curnoles: Totally, absolutely. So, what's a belief you used to have that you don't have anymore?
00:29:27.430 --> 00:29:36.190
Allison: Hmm, oh my gosh, so many. I have, like, 5 notebooks full of beliefs that I have released. Let me think of one that…
00:29:37.690 --> 00:29:41.489
Allison: Oh, gosh, there's so many. Okay, I'll give you a really good one.
00:29:41.970 --> 00:29:43.779
Allison: Conflict is bad.
00:29:43.780 --> 00:29:46.669
Sarah Curnoles: Mmm… oh, that is such a good one to let go of.
00:29:46.910 --> 00:29:53.259
Allison: And this was so hard for me, because I grew up in a very low-conflict household.
00:29:53.590 --> 00:29:57.280
Allison: And, I never even saw my parents fight.
00:29:57.420 --> 00:29:59.279
Allison: I never…
00:29:59.630 --> 00:30:06.580
Allison: even knew, like, when they got divorced when I was 12 years old, we were shocked. I was like, what? Like, we were shocked. So…
00:30:07.040 --> 00:30:15.489
Allison: You know, fast forward, I would try to avoid conflict, because I believed that conflict was bad. So in all my other relationships, I would either, like, try
00:30:15.490 --> 00:30:31.790
Allison: try to keep the peace, or, like, walk eggshells, or make sure everybody was okay, because I had this deep belief that conflict was bad. But when I started to shift and think, wait a minute, conflict isn't bad. Like, there are times that conflict has created really amazing things.
00:30:31.790 --> 00:30:49.750
Allison: There's times that conflict has brought people together, has strengthened relationships, right? This is just a belief that I had that was actually in the way of me having healthy relationships, because I was avoiding it, and then when I would avoid it in my relationships, it would make the other person think, I didn't care.
00:30:49.750 --> 00:30:53.259
Allison: Or, like, I didn't want to have a conversation with them, or it wasn't important enough.
00:30:53.340 --> 00:31:07.879
Allison: So, this was a huge… actually, probably within the last year that I made, that conflict is not bad. So, we have to be willing to look at all of our beliefs, and be willing to think, maybe I'm not right.
00:31:07.930 --> 00:31:16.470
Allison: Maybe there's a different way to look at this, maybe there's an alternative perspective, right? Because as long as we keep carrying those things, nothing's ever going to change.
00:31:16.770 --> 00:31:19.530
Sarah Curnoles: I love that, and that's such a good one to unwind, and…
00:31:20.210 --> 00:31:24.689
Sarah Curnoles: It has also taken me probably until this year to unwind it, so yeah.
00:31:24.690 --> 00:31:25.160
Allison: Hmm.
00:31:25.160 --> 00:31:33.809
Sarah Curnoles: That's… it's one that I could definitely see. I had 45 strands, that each one had to come off. It wasn't just the one.
00:31:33.810 --> 00:31:38.539
Allison: I know, I know, it's… I mean, and there's so many, like, beliefs are just, like…
00:31:38.890 --> 00:31:48.159
Allison: We don't really think about them that often, they just are in the background, running, just like a machine, over and over and over, and we're not really paying attention, so it's like…
00:31:48.630 --> 00:31:54.080
Allison: We have to be… Aware enough, otherwise nothing is ever gonna change.
00:31:54.330 --> 00:32:06.039
Sarah Curnoles: Yeah. So, before I get into my final question, if somebody is listening and they're like, I really love what Allison's saying, I want everything Allison does, how do they find you?
00:32:06.040 --> 00:32:16.269
Allison: Okay, so I'm so grateful that you asked this question, because I would love to support anybody who needs it. My website has a lot of information on it. I have,
00:32:16.270 --> 00:32:30.089
Allison: resources, I have free resources, I have a community, I have one-on-one coaching, I have books, like, I have all kinds of stuff. You can find all of that on my website. It's www.radiateinrise.com.
00:32:30.090 --> 00:32:39.919
Allison: Radiate the letter N, not spelled out, but the letter N, rise.com. And I think, you know, really the best place to start is…
00:32:40.140 --> 00:32:52.660
Allison: there is a, like, a free resource on my webpage that has, 5 days of coaching that comes to your inbox. So you can opt into that, hear my voice, listen to some things, get some perspective shifts.
00:32:52.660 --> 00:33:03.039
Allison: And then, my podcast. Like, my podcast, I go into each of these things, like, all the stuff that we're talking about, anything that has to do with healing from emotional abuse, and
00:33:03.040 --> 00:33:09.410
Allison: being a better version of yourself, so there's a lot of, like… Opportunities for healing out there.
00:33:09.560 --> 00:33:11.140
Sarah Curnoles: I love that. Thank you.
00:33:11.140 --> 00:33:11.790
Allison: Yeah.
00:33:11.790 --> 00:33:21.469
Sarah Curnoles: And that sounds like a really useful resource as well. Okay, my final question that I ask my guests, if you had a pep talk to give the listeners, what would you want them to know?
00:33:21.470 --> 00:33:24.010
Allison: This is a fun question.
00:33:24.190 --> 00:33:29.870
Allison: a pep talk. Gosh.
00:33:29.990 --> 00:33:37.619
Allison: I feel like I give pep talks on my podcast every single time I go on there. Okay,
00:33:37.990 --> 00:33:41.539
Allison: Oh, this is a hard question for me, Sarah. I think…
00:33:42.950 --> 00:33:49.570
Allison: My biggest thing is going to always come back to… Self-worth.
00:33:50.100 --> 00:34:06.829
Allison: Because if you do not see your value, and you do not recognize how amazing and wonderful that you are, you are gonna let people walk all over you. You are gonna let people abuse you. You are going to
00:34:07.080 --> 00:34:15.690
Allison: dim your light, you are going to be someone you're not, and you're gonna lose your true light and your true identity. So…
00:34:15.810 --> 00:34:25.090
Allison: The first thing that I think anybody can do after a breakup, after emotional abuse, after a divorce, after a trauma, is
00:34:25.090 --> 00:34:42.560
Allison: getting back to your self-worth, knowing how valuable you are, and really feeling it. Not just, like, saying it, but, like, really feeling it. And people are like, how? How do you know? Like, I have no self-worth, I don't know how to feel it. I would say, you need to go back to what you value.
00:34:42.620 --> 00:34:56.210
Allison: And here's how I would do it. I would say, what is it that I truly value? And write a list of all the things that you value. I value love. I value kindness. I value good communication. I value humor. I value…
00:34:56.239 --> 00:35:03.140
Allison: Integrity, whatever those things are, okay? Write those things down, and then find proof and evidence that you are those things.
00:35:03.260 --> 00:35:11.769
Allison: And then your brain goes, oh, wow, I am valuable, I am worthy. That is, to me, the place to begin.
00:35:12.160 --> 00:35:16.850
Sarah Curnoles: I love that! That's so good, and it's actionable, which I really love. Yeah.
00:35:16.850 --> 00:35:35.100
Allison: I'm an action person, I'm, like, I'm all about, like… I remember going in therapy, like, every week for four and a half years, and being like, what can I do this week? How can I, like, what can I do? Like, give me homework. And my therapist would always kind of look at me with, like, a blank stare. I'm like, well, how am I gonna do, like, I need something to do.
00:35:35.310 --> 00:35:43.049
Allison: And it just never came, so I'm really fortunate that I found the process that I have to be able to help people, because it is very action-oriented.
00:35:43.050 --> 00:35:44.759
Sarah Curnoles: It's that Capricorn in you.
00:35:44.760 --> 00:35:47.100
Allison: It is, it really is, it really is.
00:35:47.240 --> 00:35:54.160
Sarah Curnoles: That's amazing. This has been so wonderful. Thank you so much for being here, Alice, and I'm so glad that we got to meet and connect.
00:35:54.160 --> 00:35:56.459
Allison: Me too! Thank you so much for having me.