Breakups do not have to be hard. With the right mindset and self-care practices, a breakup can be a chance to heal and move forward, rather than a source of prolonged suffering.
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Speaker 1 (00:44):
Hey there. Sarah Curnoles here, and I want to stretch our brains a little bit today and start thinking about things in a new way and looking at things from a different angle. What if getting over your breakup and healing after your breakup doesn't have to be hard? I mean, we hear the phrase all the time, breaking up is hard to do, and we say it to people like, oh, this is so hard, and I wonder if we have just been hearing it for so long that we have come to accept it without ever questioning if it's true.
(01:26)
But if it were true, then it would be true for everyone. Have you ever heard about someone's breakup that just went easily where both people were actually happier after the breakup? You could do a Google search and find a dozen stories of celebrities who are better office friends like Mindy Kaling and BJ Novak, or the couple famous for popularizing conscious uncoupling, Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin. Gwyneth even said that she sees them like a brother, and these people find that their breakup was really the best thing for them. We hear that phrase that breaking up is hard. We hear it so often that we don't even question if it's the truth, but it can't be the truth.
(02:28)
Breakups don't have to be hard and they don't have to suck. Sometimes it can be easy and sometimes it's even the right thing to do and maybe even the best thing, and let's take that apart a little bit. What is it that makes breaking up hard? It's our thoughts and the feelings that we have. It's those stories that we tell ourselves that we offer as evidence of why this might be the worst thing or the hardest thing. And then on the other side, what is it that makes it possibly easy? It's the same answer. It's our thoughts and our feelings and make it easy. So let's look at this from a slightly different angle. What in your life right now actually does feel easy? Even if it's not your breakup, what in your life feels easy?
(03:33)
Maybe it's brushing your teeth or hanging out with your friends or eating snacks and watching Netflix, whatever that might be. What in your life feels easy right now? What is it that makes that so easy? Get curious about it. I mean, it's interesting. We take for granted that a breakup's supposed to be hard, and then we take for granted these things that are easy. So let's get to know it a little bit because if we get to know it, we can replicate it. So what is it that makes something easy for you? Let's just say showering every day is easy. Okay, why is it easy? It's easy because it's a habit. It's easy because there's not really a whole lot required of you. Maybe it's also easy because you put on your favorite playlist and you listen to really fun music while you do it, or you love the smell of your soap and you love the way that the water feels. Look at all those things. I just listed a whole bunch of really nice soothing sensory experiences.
(04:48)
Can you bring a little bit from that to other parts of your life? Maybe if it is these wonderful sensory experiences, can you bring more nice smells to your life or nice textures or great sounds? Or if maybe that's too hard. Maybe it doesn't quite apply like that. Maybe that doesn't quite fit your life. Maybe you can't bring great music to your life right now to make things feel a little bit easier, but maybe that doesn't quite work. If that's the case, how can you bring more attention to the things that are easy? What else is easy in your life? How can you focus more on what is easy? Because what we focus on will expand. If you keep telling yourself that your breakup is hard, it's going to feel hard. You're going to find evidence that proves that for yourself. If you say, I have a lot of things in my life that are easy, your brain goes to work to look for those things that are easy and it's going to highlight them more and activate that more because we actually have a part of our brains, the reticulation activating system, RAS, and what it does is it's filtering out information that's not needed because our brain is constantly processing information and we have to have a way to sort it out for what's important.
(06:28)
So that's why it's important that you choose what you focus on.
(06:34)
So start looking for the areas of your life that feel like bright spots and see how things might shift over time if you continue to focus on what is easy. The other piece about this that I want to talk about is that I want to get really honest. Are you hanging on to the idea that it's hard? There's an old question, and this applies to all kinds of relationships, but it comes up a lot in romantic relationships. But people ask, would you rather be right or happy? Because sometimes we are fighting to be right, and by doing that, we're losing out on the chance to be happy.
(07:34)
So get really honest with yourself right now. Would you rather be right or happy? If you listen to my episode last week about releasing resentment, I really wanted to be right. My ex cheated on me, so obviously he's the bad guy and I'm the good guy here. I'm going to tell a story in a way that shows how bad he is and how great I am, and I realized as I continued to tell that story year after year to my friends, and I kept this focus on him as the bad guy. It wasn't really making me feel any better. I was hanging on to all that anger and resentment and never really letting that wound heal and close.
(08:21)
So are you hanging onto the idea that it has to be hard because you get something out of that? Maybe you get some sympathy and that feels better than actually letting go of the pain of the breakup and moving on without any additional story about it. It's okay if that's what's happening. We want to just bring awareness if that's what's going on, and ask yourself, what are you more committed to? If you are going to fully commit to letting this be easy, you're going to let a lot go rather than holding onto it and nursing things so that it stays hard. Let this be your invitation to really question what you're committing yourself to. Committing to your own happiness, to your own peace, to your own wellbeing, to your own easeful life. What are you going to commit to or are you holding onto? This has got to be hard. This is really painful.
(09:46)
What are you more committed to? What if all that's standing in the way of this being easy is just a sentence? And maybe that is the linchpin. The linchpin is that piece of machinery, that one little pin that's holding all the pieces together and they're all running in place. But if you pull out the linchpin, the whole machine falls apart and it doesn't work the way it's supposed to. What if the whole thing keeping you in misery is the sentence that breaking up is hard to do? What if we pull that out? What if you never thought that and you could never think it again?
(10:33)
What sentence would you want to put in its place? Maybe you tell yourself breaking up was the right thing. I know what really helped me was I find it really unattractive for a guy to not want to be in a relationship with me, or I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with me, or I want somebody that we are both equally fighting for our relationship. When I reminded myself of those things, it made it a lot easier to let go. Maybe that's not the sentence that works for you. You could try something like, I don't have to prove my worth. I'm lovable just as I am. Lots of people love me and I haven't yet met all the people who are going to love me in the future. Make this kind of an experiment or a game with yourself and find the sentence that can be your new linchpin for the machine of your life to be easy.
(11:43)
Let yourself play and experiment with different sentences and see how that feels for you, and what kind of support do you need to create and structure do you need to create in your life that keeps that machine of ease running? How can you help support yourself, navigate change with ease, and are there upsides or potential gains or new opportunities that are available if you align with ease instead of with difficulty? Sometimes we make it hard just because it's a habit or because that's what we've always heard. Maybe this is your first time hearing that it doesn't have to be hard, that it could be easy. Maybe you've only seen breakups as bad and devastating things, so maybe this is one that you have to give another listen to, that you have to listen to more than once to let that sink in of like maybe it is possible. For this to be easy, I want to start bringing awareness to those areas where there can be bright spots for you.
(13:13)
I want to give you the permission slip that says, let it be easy. Let this be your permission. Slip permission granted. Let it be easy. I want to hear what you think about this. So head on over to the website, forget your ex now.com, and come on in and join my Facebook group and let's have a conversation about this. I want to hear what is easy for you and what do you think about the possibility of your breakup being easy? Let's talk about it. I am here for you and I want to support you through this, and I want to help you turn this into the best thing that ever happened to you. Alright, until next time, take care, my friends.