In this episode, you'll get encouragement and practical advice when you're going through a difficult breakup. Self-compassion and soothing yourself during times of emotional pain is an important skill.
Key points include:
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi there, friend. If you found this episode and you are in a place of pain or suffering, you have so much compassion from me coming your way right now. I know that this is hard and I know this doesn't feel good. Things are going to be okay. I'm with you for the next few minutes and we're going to talk about how you can create that feeling of I'm going to be okay for yourself. You don't have to do anything right now, just listen. I want you to imagine that you are going to your local animal shelter. You're going as a volunteer to take care of those cute little animals because you just love animals so much. And as you walk by all the adorable dogs, you see that there's one in the corner. He's shivering, he's all alone. He's got his tail between his legs and your heart just melts and calls out for this little guy.
(01:09):
You instinctively already know how you want to take care of him. You can see that he's scared and sad, and so you approach him slowly with a soft kind voice. You tell him it's okay, I'm here to help. And then you hold out your hand and you let him sniff you and warm up to you on his own timeframe, but you're not going to rush and he's getting comfortable with your presence and you're reassuring him every step of the way. It's okay. It's okay. I love you. I'm here for you. I'm not going to hurt you. It's going to be okay.
(01:56):
And as he begins to trust you, you pet him and you keep speaking kindly to him. Maybe you let him climb in your lap so you can really get a good cuddle. And maybe you rock him slowly and you can feel him lean into you and relax. And the more you comfort him and let him know that he's okay, the more he trusts you and starts to come back to life little by little. I have a theory that how you talk to a dog is how you actually want to be talked to. I'm just saying I don't have any actual evidence in that I haven't done any real studies. It's just a theory at this point. But it's really interesting, right? Because we all know instinctively how to comfort a wounded animal, and we so rarely apply that to ourself when we're going through a time where our heart is wounded. So the way that you would talk to that dog and the way that you would treat that dog is exactly the way you need to treat yourself after a breakup.
(03:09):
So often, the people I know, and myself included, I used to do this and I still do this sometimes of we skip right to the part where you're beating yourself up and you're focused on everything that you've done wrong or you're really focused on how great that relationship was and all the things that you're losing because that's over and that person left and all of the things they sort of pile up on you. But I'm here to ask, who is looking after you? Who is responsible for letting you know that you're okay? So I am a highly sensitive person and an empath, not to mention I have a cancer sun sign and I'm a Libra Rising all is to say that I am really a person who is very much defined by my relationships and how I interact with people. And when a breakup happens, I take it really, really, really hard because I see it as this failure of myself.
(04:19):
I take that as evidence that I'm a bad person, that I suck at relationships and that it's not safe to love or trust or be vulnerable. And I pile up all this negative evidence for myself and I make it really personal. And what I have had to do is teach myself and really learn how to not go there to actually go to a place where I can be with myself in my pain and just soothe myself and validate myself and comfort myself the way that I've always wanted for other people. And I might be very skilled at letting people do that for me. Actually, I'm not very skilled at that. Maybe you are. I'm not the best at asking for help and letting people help me and letting them see me in my mess and my pain. I'm not great at that.
(05:23):
But maybe you are somebody who already is good at leaning on others when you need help. And something that we need to all learn how to do is to be able to do that for ourself. And your breakup is the ultimate time to learn how to soothe yourself, how to calm and comfort yourself. So I'm going to break it down a little bit because if you're like me, you're like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear you, but how do I do that? It's completely foreign. How do I do that? The first step is to notice what is your mind doing? Because often in a breakup you might go right into beating yourself up, like I mentioned. So that's one thing that your mind might be doing is offering all these thoughts of what went wrong or what you did wrong. Another thing that happens very often in a breakup is denial of like, this can't be happening to me or total shock and you feel numb.
(06:32):
Know that all of these are totally normal. These are all mechanisms that your brain uses to try to keep you safe. For me, when I'm beating myself up, that's a way of trying to understand and control the situation because my brain thinks if I can control it, if I can understand it, if I can figure it out, then I can figure out a way to be safe. That's sort of the programming that I have. A lot of people, when you are in denial or shock, it's your way. It's your of trying to protect you from all this change that's happening and the pain that might come with that. So again, I want you to think of if you were having a major surgery, you'd be given painkillers to handle the pain, and we don't necessarily have that if we're going through a heartbreak. Now we have some options that a lot of people use, and I use them too.
(07:38):
We try to numb ourselves with binge watching Netflix or drinking alcohol or smoking pot or hooking up and having sex, or we eat our feelings. These might sound really familiar. How many times have people said, I'm going to go cry in a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and I'm not saying that it's bad to do any of those things or that you shouldn't do any of those pain, those things, but I want you to think about them like painkillers a little bit can really help. Too much can lead to a problem, right? There's a line where that's not helpful anymore and it's something that you're relying on and that necessarily doesn't help you for the longterm. So we're going to build some other tools for your toolbox so that when you notice that you're numb or in shock or in denial or beating yourself up or in any kind of pain and suffering, I want to give you another tool.
(08:46):
And that's going to be how to comfort yourself. And I want you to think about it just like you were thinking about that dog. You're going to say nice things to yourself, even if that feels a little weird or uncomfortable, do it anyway. You're going to speak to yourself in kind, soothing tones. We all really need to learn how to be a lot more gentle with ourselves, self included. My hand is raised here. I need to learn how to be a lot more gentle with myself too. Alright? And so what we're going to do next, after you're speaking very kindly to yourself, you're speaking in soothing, loving tones. I want you to create what I call a cozy corner. And this is going to be a spot in your house that is dedicated to your comfort. Maybe find a way to have soft or low lighting like fairy twinkle lights or something.
(09:42):
Have some soft blankets, some nice pillows, a candle that smells really good. You can bring in a cup of tea, and I want you to think of this like a cozy cocoon that's going to keep you safe and comfortable and warm. This is dedicated solely to you and your comfort. Just like a caterpillar has a cocoon, which is a space of safety, when it is going through the biggest physical part of the change process of it's dissolving from a caterpillar before it can become a butterfly, it has a safe container. I want you to create that safe, cozy container for yourself. This helps you ease into the change. It makes this process so much harder. If you are going to resist this, if you had surgery and you broke your arm, if you keep bumping around and keep knocking your arm in the wall creating more pain for yourself, that's a lot harder.
(10:47):
So I don't want you beating yourself up. I want you to think soft and comfortable, just like that little dog. If you were really trying to make him feel safe, you might bring in some blankets and create a warm place for him that he could snuggle. Okay? And I want you to be practicing treating yourself like that little dog anytime you're feeling pain or suffering. And if you really need a boost, I created a breakup care kit of a checklist of all these options that you can do to create care for yourself. And it's going to include things like Go the cozy corner, going for Gentle Walks, gentle movement, reassuring books to listen to, nourishing foods that warm your heart and your souls actually give you some recipes. Soups and stews are so soothing to the nervous system, but also the digestive system. So when you're going through a lot of change, you can go real easy on your body.
(11:49):
So even if you're not hungry, you still need to nourish your body. And soups and stews are a good way to do that, and they're pretty easy to put together. I also included an audio recording of me sharing some affirmations that you can just pop into your ears and you can listen anytime you need a boost and a reminder that you are lovable, that the breakup breakup's not your fault, that you're going to be okay. Okay? I want you to have that. So I want you to go over to the website, forget your x now.com, and there's a button there you can put in your email address and I will send that right over to you and you can download it and use it to your heart's content. So right now, I want to just take another moment to really anchor into the fact that you are going to be okay.
(12:43):
So take a breath in and I want you to notice how it feels coming in your nose and the way that it expands your chest and your belly. And as you exhale, notice how it feels to let go and release that breath. Well, let's repeat this a few times. As you inhale, notice how your body expands in 3D. Your front expands, your sides, your back, and when you exhale, notice the feeling of release, of letting go and practice that. Notice what happens when you inhale. Maybe the hairs in your nose tickle as you exhale, notice the feeling of letting go. You are okay in this moment.
(13:39):
As you inhale, it wants you to imagine pulling in love and compassion that I'm sending you. And when you exhale, it wants you to imagine letting go of any suffering that is not serving you. Inhale, love and compassion. Exhale, release anything that is no longer serving you. One more inhale, love and compassion. Exhale, anything that's no longer serving you. Remember, both parts of the breath are necessary. We inhale and we bring in the good and we exhale, old, stagnant, anything that's no longer serving us, we fill ourselves up and we let go. And both are part of the process of life. Both are okay. It is normal to fill yourself up, and it is totally normal to also let go and release. It is okay. You are okay.
(15:13):
As we come to the end of this episode, here's what I really want you to take away. You are responsible for soothing your scared inner animal. And a breakup is a time of change. And it can be scary because human beings generally we don't like change, and yet change is the only constant in this life. Your life may be changing, but you will also be okay soothing and comforting yourself. And learning how to do that in these moments of change is an essential part of learning how to navigate life. And you are well on your way just by being here, just by listening to this and practicing some of this.
(16:03):
Okay, friends, if you enjoyed this episode, would you do me a really big favor and consider sharing this to your social media so that I can help others who also need to learn that they're going to be okay? Make sure to tag me at Sarah Knolls and I can't wait to see their own social media. And if you are someone who is looking to take this work even deeper and you're looking for that extra accountability, that extra support of having me by your side, that we can go through this side by side together. I'm currently accepting applications for one-on-one clients. You're going to learn how to manage your emotions so that they're not controlling you. You're going to create your best condition so that you can thrive through this change. And then we're going to create your vision for the future so you have something that is so exciting that you don't even want to go backwards.
(17:04):
So that's the work that I do with my clients. You have a beautiful new beginning happening and I want to be there with you through that and help you to create the future that just lights you up and excites you from the inside out. If you're curious about this, I want you to head on over to Forget Your Ex now.com, and there's another button there where you can apply for a free consultation call with me. You're going to get on my calendar and we're going to talk about what's going on for you and how I can help. I can't wait to have that conversation with you. Okay, friends, I want you to take good care of yourself this week, and I will talk to you soon.