The key points are: Morning and evening routines can provide structure, support, and self-care during difficult times like a breakup. They help regulate mood, emotions, and sleep. Morning routines should include consistent wake-up times, hydration, gentle physical movement, and mindful activities like reading or journaling. This helps set a positive tone for the day. Evening routines should focus on winding down, reflection, and preparing for restful sleep. This can include screen time limits, relaxing rituals, and planning for the next day. Routines should be approached as an experiment, starting small and gradually building consistency. Forgiveness is important if a routine is missed.
I am offering a free guide to help you create your own personalized morning and evening routines.Go here to get your free guide: https://sarah-curnoles-coaching.kit.com/1249764af9
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:44)
Hello, my friends, Sarah Curnoles here. I am so excited to be here today. I am so excited about this topic. I am talking about using routines in the morning and in the evening to create some structure for yourselves. So we're going to talk about why they matter and how it can really help you to get through your breakup and to keep you feeling like you're in control of your life again. And it's also really affirming to yourself that you're taking care of your wellbeing in this way. So I'm going to be teaching you some frameworks and give you some real life examples. And I even have a freebie for you. If you stay at the very end, I have something that I can't wait to give you so that you can do this for yourself. So I want to share a little story about what I've been going through recently because I just did a big experiment on myself because I have been doing morning routines for a long time, and it was beginning to feel like I was just checking things off a list and I wasn't connected to that process anymore. It was like, now is the time that I do my stretches. Now is the time I drink water and make a coffee and now, et cetera, et cetera.
(02:12)
And so I just decided, you know what? We're going to clear the decks and we are going to just stop all the routines except water and coffee. That's the only thing that stayed non-negotiable. And I let go of it all because I wanted to create a clean slate and see how do I feel if I'm not holding myself to what felt like a checklist and what things really are making the difference that I want to intentionally put back into my routines. And it's really interesting because my mood plummeted and I had a huge shift in how I was showing up throughout my days, and I saw it almost immediately At first, there was this relief of like, oh, I don't have to go to the gym today, or I don't have to go for a run. Oh, how cool. It's like playing hook from school.
(03:25)
But then I noticed that throughout the day I was just a bit more short tempered, a bit more bitter, a bit more impatient. I didn't find myself very fun to be around or pleasant. So I'm sure it might have been a subtle shift to others. Maybe they didn't even notice, but maybe that wasn't the most fun energy to be around. And what I learned was my morning routine actually makes a big difference for me, and it really helps me so that I can hold a positive mood because I want to be the person who approaches my day positive, who is open-hearted, who is able to be generous with others in my assumptions of them who's able to hold my boundaries without worry. Somebody who when I am well rested, actually all of my routines really help me throughout my day to make sure I get good sleep. And when I am more well rested, I am showing up as a better person.
(04:44)
And also my routines act as a structure for me when I'm going through something hard, it gives me something to show up for and to focus on and to put my attention on as a way of at the very least, I am taking five minutes to care for myself. I am taking 20 minutes to work out and this is the way that I show up for myself no matter what's going on in my life. So it was like I took a stand for myself and I really started to track back to when did I put in some of these things and when did certain things get added or when did it change? Because I've always been somebody who reads first thing in the morning, and usually it was like 15 to 20 minutes and I used to stay in bed through that period of time.
(05:40)
I'd get up and have my water, I'd use the bathroom, I'd meditate, I'd make a cup of coffee and I'd go back into bed and I'd read. And actually I realized after my breakup, I made a no back to bed rule and I had to get out of and stay out of bed, and I made my bed right away to make sure that that happened and I had to read in the living room. And when I let go of all my routines, I just kind of laed around in bed for a little while, which is lovely. It's lovely to do that. But the act of me setting that boundary of we are going to be getting up for the day and we are going to dedicate some time to improving your mind and improving the way you think, and we are not going to do this from a place of, I don't feel like getting up. Actually that intention that I set after my breakup had a bigger effect on my mental health than I thought at the time. So I found out that that actually really worked for me.
(06:49)
And as you can probably hear it, that's not necessarily advice that most people get when they are talking about creating a morning routine of get out of bed because it's going to improve your mental health if you do your activities out of bed instead of in bed, right? That's not something that I learned somewhere. And I share that for you because I did that because it's what I intuitively felt that I needed to do to improve my mood. And I also want you to hear that I approach all of this like an experiment, and I really do look at it. I'm trying to be a scientist of making my life as great as possible, and I really try to sprinkle in, what about a little bit of this? What if I try a little bit of this and oh, that didn't work. Let me swap that out and try something different.
(07:42)
And I invite you to consider approaching setting your routines with that level of experimentation and curiosity of wondering what works best for me because I'm going to give you lots of ideas, but they're just suggestions and you get to make decisions for your life, and that's what that's all about. Make decisions of what's best for you. Okay, so I mentioned this a little bit about why it's important to have a routine, but I want to go into it a little bit more. I really wanted to make sure I talk about creating morning and evening routines after a breakup because I found those to be the hardest times and weekends. So I even created some routines around my weekends right after my breakup so that I had things on my calendar. But mornings are hard because I was dreading the day ahead of me and didn't want to be going through that day yet again, remembering I'm dealing with a breakup.
(08:44)
I'm alone. I'm not with my partner anymore. There was so much dread of going into the day that if I started a routine, I put myself very purposefully into things that were going to make me feel better. And then I also am going to encourage you to create a nighttime routine because going to bed is incredibly important. It's incredibly important for you to get rest, to take care of yourself in that way, to let yourself wind down. But that is a time where maybe you were preparing for sex or maybe it was when you were FaceTiming and you had this connection with your ex and now going to bed, there's this wind down, but it's sort of like everything that you were avoiding throughout the day sort of crashes down on you and it all catches up because you're finally slowing down for the first time all day and it's all in your face again.
(09:44)
So creating some structure by using a routine at these two crucial times are really going to help you get through the rockiness of the painful parts of the mornings and the evenings. And because those were times that usually you're connecting with your person, it can feel especially lonely in the morning and in the evening. So if you're not connecting with your partner, let's view your routines as your connection to yourself. And I'm really going to encourage you to try things that bring a connection to your mind, to your body and to your spirit so that you're building that feeling of connection with yourself, which is always really worthwhile way to spend your time. The other reason why a routine can help is because it takes the guesswork out of what do I have to do today? What are the things I'm supposed to do? What a routine is is essentially it's a habit, and a habit is something that you don't have to think about because you do it automatically.
(11:06)
And after a breakup, you can have a lot of decision fatigue because you are going through so much change right now that it feels like if I had to make one more decision, I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it. So these routines give you something to do one thing after another. Or when I wake up, I do this. When I brush my teeth, I do this. When I put my lotion on, I do this right? You create these routines for yourself and you don't have to think about it. And it also is providing you structure. And what's great about structure is that it will hold. It will hold the frame no matter what else is happening. So when I set my morning routines, those are non-negotiables for me. With the rare occasion of something like I have to get on an early flight because I'm traveling, then some things might shift around. But even then I have one or two things I do no matter what I, so the structure creates support and especially at a time where you need the extra support and support would feel so good, and routines are a way to give that support to yourself of saying, no matter what, I got you, you've always got the option to do some yoga or some stretching, right? And that's going to provide you grounding because you do it every single day.
(12:42)
And these are also going to be things that are going to support you long-term for your mental, your physical, your emotional health, and your regulation. They're going to help you adjust while your life is going through lots of crazy changes. They are going to help you regulate so that you don't always feel so stressed so that you don't always feel so out of control. They're going to give you these moments of control that you can start with. And like I said, it sets you up so that you have restful sleep and restful sleep is essential for you, for your body and your mind, so that you're ready for tomorrow. Alright, so that's my Ted talk on why routines matter. But you could see why I'm so passionate about this because even though it's something so small, it can have such a big impact for you.
(13:39)
Alright, so how do you design a routine? And I'm going to start with the morning and then we're going to talk about the evening. So when we're thinking about creating a morning routine, we want to think about things that you can do consistently. It's not about how long you can do everything, and it's not about having the longest routine ever, except I learned that I am somebody who does need a long time because even though I wake up ready to go, I like feeling slow in my mornings that I'm not rushing around to everything. So you want to think about what are my essentials to create consistency so that I feel good in my day. So you might want to consider a consistent wake up time and a consistent wake up time is going to actually help you regulate your body's nervous system and so that you're regulating with your own circadian rhythms.
(14:39)
It's actually much harder for your body if you wake up at a certain time on weekdays and a different time at weekends. It's actually really jarring. So the more you can have consistency in your wake up times, the better it is for your body. You might want to think about how can I gently wake up and prepare my body for the day? So for me, the first thing I do is I drink 16 ounces of water. So two glasses because we dehydrate overnight. We want to replenish all of that, and I really try to get at least one of those glasses before I have my first sip of coffee. Ideally, I drink the full 16 ounces because coffee dehydrates. So I'm trying to rehydrate before I dehydrate.
(15:28)
You also want to think about would it feel good for me to stretch my body or to do some gentle yoga to go for a walk? Would it feel good to do some breath work or a meditation, right? So there might be a mind element, there might be a body element. Then you also want to be very clear and intentional around what are you inputting to your mind in the morning? Are you right away opening up Instagram and scrolling or going right to TikTok and watching a bunch of videos and are you doing this out of habit or because it's intentionally fueling your mind. So you might want to be more conscious of, I'm not going to touch my phone for a certain period of time. I'm going to leave my do not disturb on so I don't have to answer a bunch of texts or emails until after I've put the focus on myself.
(16:32)
Maybe you want to read a book. I had a habit. It was five to 15 minutes every morning of reading something that was going to improve my mind, whether it's like a memoir or a book about personal growth or spirituality or business, any of those or creativity, I would read something inspirational and that would get my mind going in the morning. You might also want to think about what do I need as output? So I like a daily thought dump in my journal. I'm not a great free journaler. Some people do the morning pages exercise from the artist's way where you write three pages every day.
(17:26)
It hasn't stuck for me. What is really helpful for me is if I just empty my brain as a thought dump of everything I'm thinking and I can just get it all out on paper, that's really helpful. And then you might want to think what would be really nourishing water is something I mentioned. Eating a healthy breakfast, getting sunlight. Maybe you're a person who takes your shower in the morning and that helps you feel nourished. I also have a rhythm of putting on lotion after my shower and I speak kind words to my body while I am putting the lotion on. So you might want to practice that of giving yourself compliments or being like, thank you body. Thank you for carrying me around. Thank you for my eyes so that I can see. So it's an opportunity to give yourself some kindness or express some gratitude.
(18:25)
And there's been so much research on the power of gratitude and how that can help you as well. And then maybe you want to take a moment maybe while you're sipping coffee or tea or having your water and you could set your top three priorities for your day. And what that does is it gives you focus. So whether that's schedule an oil change or go to the dentist or get this task done at work or call mom, whatever your three priorities are, just jot those down. So you want to think about, if I were to give you the tips here, you want to think about what is the minimum amount that I could do that will have an impact? And that is probably just starting with one thing. So even if it's just starting with water and begin right there with just the one thing.
(19:27)
I know I just gave you so many ideas, but you can return to this over and over and over again. And what is really great is you can do what they call habit stacking. And I believe this was from James Clear's book Atomic Habits of once you establish one habit, you can add another one to it and then they stack on top of each other so much. Like I said, my routine is water, and then I'll meditate and then I'll journal and then I move. So I have these things that I do in a certain order every single day, but I didn't start them all at once. I started with one and I got consistent with it after a couple of days. And then I could add a second thing and I could have an idea in the back of my head around, oh, I'd really like to be a person who journals, but I'm not quite there yet. So maybe that starts with I'm going to write one sentence a day. You don't have to spend five minutes, you're just going to say, I'm going to write one sentence in the morning. And that's how you begin the habit of journaling. So create your non-negotiable of what's one thing that you're going to do tomorrow morning and start doing that right away. And you might want to have an idea of what do I want to add to this next in the future?
(20:53)
And the key is keep it simple and keep it doable because consistency is the name of the game. Okay? That's a morning routine. And then how to create an evening routine is you want to think about what are the things that are going to wind down my day and prepare me for sleep? So some things that work for people is shutting down your screens 30 to 60 minutes before bed or having some kind of wind down ritual. I am a big fan. I do sleepy time tea and magnesium, and I watched an episode of comedy. So those are the things that I do in the evening, and then I write down my three wins from the day, whatever they might be. It might even be I called my mom today. I count that as a win. So some people like to have a moment of reflection of what went well today, what do I want to shift tomorrow?
(21:51)
Or this might be the time that you want to do your brain dump. If you want to get everything out on the page of all the thoughts that you're carrying around or anything you want to let go of, you might want to write down tomorrow's priority so that you think about that before you go to bed. And you don't have to do it in the morning. Maybe you prepare for the next day by putting out your gym clothes or setting up the coffee machine or making sure your breakfast and lunch is prepped so you don't have to do it in the morning. So as a part of this ritual, you're winding down for the evening and preparing for the next day so that you set yourself up.
(22:32)
Some tips for setting up an evening routine. It's the same thing. You want to think simple and you want to think, I like to think about my senses of what are the things in my five senses of sight, sound, taste, smell, and feel what's important to me. That helps me feel like I can relax and let go. I don't really think of this as my routine, but when I think of feeling something, there's a particular thing I do. I really love soft sheets and I like to rub my feet together in the sheets, and that helps me feel settled into bed. I wouldn't necessarily say that's part of my routine, but maybe it is. I think I do it every night. So you might want to use elements of sound or light or smell to relax you into sleep of lowering the lights and just having candles lit and making them soothing scents like lavender and maybe you play really relaxing music. So some things to avoid, we don't want to think about this as all or nothing. If you mess up one day, that's okay. It's not about being the person who is devoted to yourself, who will show up for yourself even after mistakes. You can learn to forgive yourself of like, oops, I missed, I missed a day. Okay, I'm going to try again tomorrow. And you could even look at what got in the way that I can solve for in the future so that it won't trip me up again.
(24:14)
You also want to make sure you start small. Something that I learned while helping my clients set up their routines is that there is this tendency to go really hard of like, I'm going to put all the things into place and I'm going to do all the perfect routines right now. And trying to start too fast is actually a way to self-sabotage yourself and you are less likely to continue and follow through. So the final thought of what to do in case you have one of these common pitfalls that I see so often of going too fast, too strong or missing a day and beating yourself up. Another one is to look at those really chaotic days and be committed even when you have a hard day, because those are the days that you need it the most, which is why I'm encouraging you to do this after a breakup. We need structure on our hardest days because we need something to lean on.
(25:22)
Think about those really, really old buildings, and they've got the scaffolding that's holding them up while they're going through construction, right? The construction's about improving everything and the scaffolding is holding the building in place while changes are happening. Let your routines be your scaffolding. Don't give up on them. If you miss a day, don't give up on them. If you have a hard day, do your best to keep showing up for yourself and keep creating that structure for yourself. So I'm going to invite you to create something simple for yourself and let it start today. If you are already listening to this past your morning time, maybe start with this evening and try a new evening routine that you're willing to commit to for the next, let's say for the next month. So that would be 30 days of doing something in your evening and then creating something that you'll do in the morning.
(26:26)
And if you're not sure where to start, I have the perfect resource for you because I created a guide for creating your morning and evening routines. This is going to be a free download that you can get, and it is a simple morning and evening routine builder so that you can take the guesswork out of it and create consistency very quickly. So in that builder, you're going to get a list of ideas. You're going to get tips on how to implement, and you're going to get a tracker so that you can check off every day that you do it, so that you build that consistency for yourself. Because our minds really love checking things off the list. And if you're a sticker person, you can use stickers, whatever works for you to start building the habit of giving yourself this routine every single day. So I'm going to put the link in the show notes for you to click on and you can sign up and I'm going to email that to you right away so that you get the free PDF so that you can start building routines today, because that's how much I believe in them, that I created something to help it help you make it easier.
(27:39)
Alright, my friends, that's our episode for the week. Please feel free to connect with me on Instagram and tell me what is the routine that you created for yourself. I want to hear if you already have a routine, also please share that with me. Please come over, send me a message, tell me what your routine is and how it's going. I would love to connect with you. Alright, my friends, take care of yourself and I will talk to you next week.