In this episode Sarah discusses how to reconnect with yourself and find your favorite version of yourself after experiencing a breakup or feeling disconnected from who you are. We're going to explore how to recognize the signs of being disconnected and how to come back to yourself.
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And keep an eye on my instagram for upcoming annoucneemtns about my birthday celebration month all happening in June!
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:43)
Hello, my friend Sarah Curnoles here, and maybe you can tell in my voice I'm a little scratchy, a little stuffy. Allies are really hitting me hard this season. I don't know about you, but please forgive the sneezing if it happens while going through this podcast. So today we're going to be talking about how to find yourself again and reconnect to your favorite version of yourself. Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought to yourself, I don't know who I am anymore, or felt like you've lost your way or you're so burned out that you can't find joy in your life anymore? That's what we're talking about today, this idea that we've lost connection with who we are deep down and it's affecting us pretty deeply. So this is really going to be an invitation for you to check in with yourself, but also I'm going to go over how to spot it when this is happening to you and what you can do about it.
(01:51)
Because I'm going to be really honest, I recently had that own check-in with myself and felt like I am losing my connection to joy. I am working so much. I am burning myself out a bit. I'm not leaving space for play or enough mental rest. I'm getting enough sleep, but that's not the only kind of rest. And I feel like almost a shadow version of myself that I don't know who I am at the moment. So I was having this really honest check-in with myself, and I do that check-in because I don't remember where I heard this, but you can't get where you're going if you don't know where you are when you start. So having this check-in with myself is really my way of, it's like having a map and checking where am I? I really on the path, or did I somehow turn off the path and I need to redirect back to it?
(02:58)
And I realized I've really lost my path. I've really lost that connection with myself and I've just feel like I've been sort of almost in this survival mode. And when I get in that mode for too long, I start to get depressed and it almost feels like a hopelessness of what's the point of any of it? And I really isolate myself. I pull back from hanging out with friends and doing stuff like normal fun stuff or trying new things, and that's what I saw was happening. And I was like, well, this has got to stop. We got to course correct. We got to get out of this funk and get back to being who I love being. So why does this happen? Why do we lose ourselves? Maybe you lost yourself in your relationship and that could happen because you were in this mode of taking care of your partner, making sure your partner was always okay, sometimes before you even checked in with yourself.
(04:13)
If am I okay? I know I'm totally guilty of this, of that people pleasing routine of always making sure everybody else is okay first. And it's almost like my needs don't matter. It's okay. I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Okay, I'm good. Let me take care of you. Let me make sure you are fine. And really just sort of pushing away any vulnerability and pushing away that you have any needs or wants or desires. And that could also show up as people pleasing, like I said, but also overgiving. And you know that you're overgiving or you're, because you get to a point where you get burned out, you get resentful, you feel really disconnected from the people around you. Nobody even cares about me. They don't even know who I am. They don't even see me when I'm in the room. Why isn't anybody checking on me or asking how I'm doing? Why isn't my partner care?
(05:19)
And sometimes it can feel like you're living a life based on a role of what you think you should be living rather than the truth of what you know to be true about yourself. So for example, my therapist identified one of the roles that I played was the small izer. I had this part of me that was making me really small in my relationship when I was still in it. And the role that played was like, don't worry about me. I'm fine. I got it. Okay. And I made myself really small so I could almost not be noticed because I was scared that if I had any needs or wants or rocked the boat in any kind of way that my partner was going to break up with me. And that was really different than when I was in people pleasing mode or overgiving mode because that was really big because that's who he was.
(06:17)
So I would kind of go into this role of the perfect girlfriend who could take care of the house and take care of the dinner and take care of everything he could possibly need, and I could anticipate all of it so that he wouldn't be stressed after a long hard day at work. Not to mention I also would have a long hard day at work and I would try to keep everything as smooth as possible at home and as easy as possible to make as little noise in the kitchen while I was getting ready so that he wouldn't be disturbed as he got whatever, got his work done at the end of his work day. So there were these roles I was playing of perfect girlfriend or the small in eyes so that I could stay safe in that relationship without rocking the boat too much that he would break up with me. And really you kind of, sorry for the background noise. I'm in a new place today when I'm recording, but I think it's quiet now. You wake up and there's a moment, like I said, where you look in the mirror and you're like, who even am I anymore? I don't even know myself. When was the last time I actually laughed or had fun or did something that I wanted to do?
(07:33)
And those are the beginnings of the signs that you're disconnected. So it's feeling like I can't even remember the last time that I did something just for myself. Maybe you keep asking others around you for their ideas of What should I do about this without turning inward of checking in? What do I think I should do? What do I want? You might be feeling really drained or resentful. You might also feel totally numb because that's what disconnection of you're so disconnected that you don't even feel how you feel anymore, and you can't remember the things that bring you joy.
(08:19)
It's not even that you can't remember the last time you did it. You just can't even remember what are even the things I like to do. I remember I texted a friend recently before I kind of caught this in myself, that I was in this disconnected place. I texted my friend of, I'm just feeling so off. I'm feeling really low. What do I like to do? And honestly, that wasn't even my wake up call. So that's why I'm telling you of if you feel like you can't remember the things that bring you joy to the point where you have to ask a friend, what do I like to do that me happy? And she had to tell me some ideas and I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. That's right. I do like to go for walks. I do like to watch Parks and Rec in the office.
(09:06)
I do like to read a book or work out or whatever that might be, take a bath or a long hot shower, which my friend recently called a soul shower, which that blew my mind of the climber. You just stand in the hot water and you luxuriate in that. But anyway, that's for another day. So yeah, those signs where you're like, I have no connection to myself where I feel numb and I can't remember what I like to do. Those are those signs that you are in a place where you are disconnected from yourself. So how do we reconnect and find yourself again? That's the big question. How do we navigate this landscape where I feel so gone, I don't even know who I am anymore, and how do I come back to myself? Well, obviously the first step is recognizing that's where you're at.
(09:56)
So if you're asking that question, great, you've recognized where you are on the map of I got off my path and I need to go from where I am to where I want to be. So the first thing to do is to start to give yourself a little space in your calendar every single day. That is just silence and stillness. I'm not even going to call this meditation. Not even important five minutes, and maybe you lock yourself in a closet or the bathroom or whatever it has to be of you laying in bed for you, hit your snooze button even though you're awake, you don't go back to sleep, but you're just going to be there in silence and be still. And you're just going to call this, this is my listening time, listening to what? Listening to your mind. Water wander, listening to your thoughts, listening to yourself, checking in with yourself.
(10:59)
Maybe you want to do a body scan where you just start paying attention from the top of your head and you just check in on different parts of your body. How am I feeling in my brain? How am I feeling in my facial muscles? How am I feeling in my neck, my back, just scanning, looking for like what's going on there? Is there tension? Is there a lack of tension? Is my brain buzzing? Is my chest tight? Those five minutes checking in with yourself are your opportunities to say to yourself, I am worthy of my own attention. I give my attention to everybody and everything all the time, and I am worthy of five minutes of my own attention. That is the sole purpose of five minutes of silence and stillness.
(11:56)
And then you're going to want to start to think back, when was the last time I felt joy or that I felt like I was my favorite version of myself? You might even have to go all the way back to childhood, and that's okay. Go back as far as you have to. And what you're going to do is you're going to look for clues. What are the clues in my life? What were the situations going on? What was I doing? Who was I around? Where was I? What were the things I was thinking about and telling myself? What are the clues that I can see about this time that contributed to me feeling like my favorite version of myself? I know when I look back and I ask myself that question, one of my favorite times was my college self. And I think that was the time in my life where I was really the least filtered, the least aware of the roles I had to play in society where I felt pretty free. And I was reading a lot of books and I was having a lot of deep conversations, and I was around people who felt like my kind of weirdos. It was like me. It was like I found my Muppet gang of weirdos all coming together. We were creative. We were coming up with new ideas of plays that we could do together.
(13:32)
And that was a time where I felt really happy. Other times when I'm really active, when I'm working out training for a 5K or a 10 k or half marathon, whatever it might be, when I had this physical fitness commitment, those things really bring me a lot of joy. So I start collecting these things. I like having deep conversations. I like feeling free and unlimited. I like being creative. I like being active. And I start collecting these ideas of like, oh, that's important, that's important. That's important. Lunch with a friend. And I gather all this information and it goes into sort of a basket of the things that I truly love in my life that help me feel better. I was living in my college, was in a really small historical town by the water, so it had all these things that I really liked.
(14:34)
So you collect all these details of what was going on and use that to create a joy list for yourself. And so I actually have a list in my phone called My Joy List so that the next time I lose my way and I feel disconnected from myself, I can pull up the joy list and I can be like, what is on my joy list? What are the things I know I like to do that make me feel most like myself? And I'm going to do one of those things. Oh, working out makes me feel better. So I'm going to go work out, having lunch with a friend, being in a small little cultural town, going to see some art or make some art, be creative in some way. And I try to incorporate those things. And what I really love to do is you can start small and try to do one thing for five more minutes.
(15:33)
So you've got your five minutes of silence and connection. You're going to have five minutes of joy. And then I keep adding things of like, okay, five minutes of meditation are going to get added to my five minutes of stillness, and I'm five minutes of working out five minutes of reading. And so I would stack these joy items and they actually start creating almost a perfect day, just five minutes at a time. And it's not like my joy items are going to be the entire day. Maybe I only get through four, and it's only 20 minutes. 20 minutes actually is so much to fill your own cup so that you feel full and you feel like you've been given to so deeply that your joy matters and that you can go out and give to the rest of the world. So what I would also invite you to do is start getting curious about the world that's currently around you.
(16:32)
We look to the past of where in the past have I been my favorite version of myself and what was bringing me joy then? But now I also want you to start paying attention to what are the things in your current environment bringing you joy. Don't tell me nothing because that's so not true. My coach, Susan Hyatt, actually uses a basket trick of she gets a basket and she will leave that on her stairs. And as she goes about her day, as she spots something that sparks joy in her, whether it's a flower or the color of a candle or an article in a magazine she's reading or something that she hears on tv, she'll jot that down as a note. The item goes in the basket. And you don't filter yourself. You don't question yourself of Why am I picking this up? That doesn't make any sense, none of that.
(17:32)
You're just going to allow yourself to follow your joy of whatever ignites a little spark inside of you of like, oh, that's really kind of fun. That's really kind of neat. Or maybe you hear about somebody taking an improv class and you're like, I've always kind of wanted to do that. Write it down on a note and put it in the basket and let yourself do this for a whole week without looking at what's in the basket. Just collecting items as you're a detective in your own life looking for clues, where's my spark? So let yourself collect things in this basket at the end of the week. Maybe start on a Monday and do it till Friday, and it could be an activity that you do on Saturday with yourself and go through the basket and notice these things in your life currently that are bringing you joy.
(18:27)
How can you amplify those things? Or how can you spend more time with the things that bring you joy? What are the ways you can turn up that dial so that gets more of your attention so that you give less attention to the things that are draining you or keeping you disconnected? See, what we really want to do is increase the joy because naturally the disconnection will decrease. We solve the problem by increasing the thing you want, not by saying, how do I stop the disconnection? It's the wrong question. We really want to be focusing on how do I increase my joy, right? Because as you do that in small five minute increments, in small shifts of your attention, you will naturally be putting more of your attention on the joy, and it will naturally decrease the disconnection, and it's going to work itself out.
(19:29)
You're going to come home to yourself and you're going to feel like your favorite version of yourself again over time. And it actually will happen sooner than you think because just recognizing it, we'll start to get you back on this path by recognizing you're off the path. Then you have the invitation to get back on, and now you have the steps. And so what I want you to think about, it's not about discovering yourself, which I think sounds like a hell of a lot of work that I'm not really interested in or becoming something that you're not about, that it's about remembering about who you are. It's clearing away anything that is blocking you from being your favorite version of yourself. And you already know who that is. Deep down, you already know, and you just have to remember.
(20:31)
So I want you to remember that you don't have to become someone new. You're not trying to become someone else. You're just coming home to who you already are. That's all that this is. Okay? So I want you to remember to take five minutes of silence and space. That's step one. And then step two is you're going to remember what lit you up in your past, your favorite version of yourself in the past. And then three, you're going to become a detective of where's the joy in your life currently? And you're going to turn up the volume, collect those clues for joy currently, and turn up the volume. Amplify it. Okay? So I want to hear from you. Come over to Instagram, find me at Sarah, and I want you to tell me what's one small way you can honor yourself this week? Okay? What is one small way you can honor yourself? And even if it's like I'm taking five minutes of silence, I'm taking five minutes to connect to myself, that is an amazing way to honor yourself. Five minutes isn't long at all.
(21:55)
Wake up to your alarm and you can hit the snooze, but don't go back to bed. Wake up. Sit up in bed, put your feet on the floor and just connect to yourself. Sit there, check in. That's all. It's not so bad. You've got five minutes. Scroll on Facebook for five less minutes, or Instagram or TikTok. You have five minutes to prioritize yourself, okay? So let me know how this goes for you. I want to hear from you. And I also want you to know that because I was in this funk and I was feeling disconnected, I decided to turn June into a birthday Jubilee celebration for myself. So my birthday is at the end of June, and this is going to be a June coaching Jubilee is what we're doing because I want to fill the month with all of my favorite things. There's going to be free coaching, there's going to be giveaways of some of my favorite things like Oprah.
(23:00)
I finally get to be my Oprah moment. There's going to be in-person events. There's going to be Instagram events. I want you to come along with me and celebrate. Let's do this together. Let's have some really great connection. Let's make new friends. Let's have coaching for everybody, because coaching is one of my favorite things because it has changed my life and impacted me in so many ways, and I can't wait to share it. So come on over to Instagram where I'm going to start talking all about my Jubilee month of June, which I can't believe is right around the corner. So you're invited. Come find me over on Instagram at Sarah KOLs, and let's celebrate together. Okay? All right. Well, my friends, I can't wait to celebrate with you and hear how you're reconnecting with yourself in those small ways. I hope you have a beautiful week, and I will talk to you next time. Until then, take care of yourselves. Okay, bye friends.