In this podcast, Sarah Curnoles discusses strategies for meeting people in real life after a breakup. The key points include: - Overcoming the myth that all the "good ones" are taken and shifting your mindset to be more open to meeting new people. - Addressing inner blocks like internalized pressure, bitterness, and a closed-off heart that can prevent you from making connections. - Practicing the art of flirting, making small talk, and smiling/making eye contact as ways to initiate low-pressure interactions and build confidence. - Taking advantage of everyday opportunities to connect with the people around you, rather than relying solely on dating apps. The overall message is to adopt a more playful, present, and socially engaged approach to meeting potential partners in your daily life.
Let's connect on Instagram and let me know how this works for you! Let's connect: https://www.instagram.com/sarahcurnoles/
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:44)
Hi, my friend Sarah Curnoles here, and I am inspired to talk to you about getting back into dating. And this came about because I hosted a dating event a couple weeks ago and it was titled Baltimore Meet. My Friend and I hosted here locally in Baltimore. And it's an opportunity for friends to make a pitch for why their single friend is great and why people should date them. So it's bringing back the community aspect of friends, introducing other friends, and it feels a lot less lonely and it feels like somebody is vouching for someone so that you know can trust them. So it was a really fun event and it was so popular it sold out and we had a waiting list. So we're definitely going to be doing it. Again, if you're in the Baltimore area, send me a message on Instagram so that I can make sure you get the details about the next time we do the event.
(01:45)
But it really got me thinking about how hard it can be to meet people because when we hosted this event that was different than the norm, there were so many people that were excited to come and attend. So it made me think how many people are sick of the apps and maybe that's you. And I actually tell my clients when they are working with me, if they are getting back into dating after a breakup, I actually say not to get on the apps right away because it can be a rough place to get back into dating. It's actually much easier to meet someone in person, but then the question always comes, how do I meet someone in person? People don't do that anymore. So whether you're in that place where you just don't know how to meet someone in person, or maybe you've been on the apps and you feel like it's practically a second job because of how much time and energy it's taking just to connect with somebody, let alone get to the point where you go on a date with them.
(02:54)
Or maybe you get confused of, I don't want to meet somebody at work and I don't want to meet somebody at the bar. How do I actually meet a quality person? Where are all the good ones? I want you to know that you're not alone and you're not doing it wrong. Most people are just a small perspective shift away from meeting somebody really amazing. And even if you are not ready to start dating again, I would encourage you to keep listening to this podcast and keep an open mind that how could some of these perspective shifts that we're going to talk about, how can that help you in your process of healing from your breakup or improving your relationship with yourself, which is such a wonderful thing to do when you're single. So I want to share some mindset shifts, some practical tools, real life examples, and also what are the blocks that are getting in our way that's making this so difficult to meet people in person? I want you to be able to listen to this and to go out in the world and connect with others naturally without awkward pickup lines or feeling like you have to do a meat cute in the grocery store while you both reach for the same orange. We're not going to have any of that.
(04:26)
There's a more fun and a more human way to connect with people and it'll feel so much more empowering. And that's what we're going to talk about here today. I want to talk about why you're currently not meeting people in real life and what's probably getting in the way. The first part is that maybe you're believing the myth that all the good ones are taken or that there's no one out there or that no one can compare to my ex or no one's going to love me or get me my ex did. All of these are walls and they aren't balls that are impossible to get around, but it's like you're putting something up that you have to climb over or work your way around in order to make a connection with somebody when you're believing there's no one good out there and all the good ones are taken, that is what your brain is going to look for evidence for. And that's the way our brains work. Our brains filter the world so that we see things that align with our beliefs. So if you're thinking My ex is the one that got away, or all the good ones are taken, what are you going to see? You're going to see evidence that your ex should have been the one that you're with or you're going to see how great your married friends are and you won't notice any of the really great wonderful people all around you all the time.
(06:15)
So that's one thing that is getting in the way of you meeting people. Another thing is that we're in a time where social conditioning is really tough, where people used to walk around naturally and be able to have conversations like the gym or the market or in line places or on subways or any place where there are other human beings. We used to be able to have these natural connections. And if you think about it, how many of these places are places that you go over and over and over again and you see the same people over and over again? But what's in the way now? We are more isolated now because we are going around and we're focused on our phones because we always can be connected with our AirPods in and we can be listening to a podcast or we can always be answering emails or reading a book. We always have this distraction. We never get to a point where we're bored enough to look around the world with some curiosity of what's around me and what can I do with this time that I have.
(07:35)
So we lose this opportunity for us to get so bored that we step out of our comfort zone of like, well, I guess I'm going to have to break this little comfort bubble I have with myself because my options are sit here by myself or be a little vulnerable and start small talk with a stranger. We don't have that going on. Instead, we're more connected to our phones than we are to the world around us. So no wonder people meet more often on their phones, it's because it's where they're spending a lot of their time, but the data doesn't lie. We are living in the loneliest time that we've ever had. We don't have as many social interactions or connections. People don't throw parties the way they used to. They don't have social hobbies and social groups like they used to. I remember watching the Flintstones as a kid and you remember Barney and Fred went to a bowling league.
(08:37)
That was a whole plot point that they had this bowling league and those things were normal. People had these kinds of social clubs and interactions and we just don't have that anymore. And we're not meeting people outside of our immediate network of work and the friends that we already have. We're not growing our social connections. So we're more isolated and alone and more turned into our phone. So you can see how that also is going to get in the way of meeting people in real life because we're not connecting as much as we used to. So what is it in your life if you were to get really honest and look honestly at your life? What is it that is keeping you from meeting people in real life? If you were to look closely, maybe if you feel inspired and you really want to grow, hit pause on this podcast. And as long as you're not driving or your hands aren't soapy and wet from doing dishes, pause the podcast and write it down. Why am I not meeting people? And it could be one of the reasons I just discussed or it could be something else. Pause it and write it down. Let's make this really useful for you.
(10:01)
Okay, so I also want to talk about the inner blocks. And this is really where I go deep as a coach with my clients as I will look very closely at your personal inner blocks. And these might look like beliefs that are running the show behind the scenes because sometimes you might think that you are doing the right things of I'm putting myself out there and I am going to meetups and I'm going to hiking groups and I'm doing all the things. Why am I not meeting anybody? And usually it's because of your inner game. It's just a few degrees off from where it needs to be to make great connections and to attract people to you. That would be great partners. So some of the inner blocks that you want to be listening for are internalized pressure. That's a big one. So you're putting pressure on yourself to find the one where you're putting pressure on yourself for things to go in a certain timeline. I really understand this personally because I have loved love my entire life and there's nothing I've wanted more than to find my person to be in a loving relationship and get married and have kids and lemme tell you there's nothing. My mother would like more for me and I love her, but the extra pressure doesn't help.
(11:39)
So I got a little distracted thinking about my mom, but really this pressure that we put inside ourselves of a timeline of I have to have kids by a certain date and we put that pressure on because we think there's also this biological block and we think it's something I really want and I have to have it and I have to do it by this date. And I'm not saying those things aren't true, but I'm saying the pressure doesn't help you. The pressure is actually keeping further away from what you want because nobody can connect with you if all that you're doing is talking about your timeline or if it's not even something that you're talking about. You're not saying it out loud, but there's this sense, there is this feeling of I'm having pressure put on me and it doesn't feel good. I'm being moved down a checklist or I'm being hustled down a line towards this goal without it letting it follow its own natural process, letting it feel like a flow where there's fun and ease and connection.
(12:49)
All those things that we really like about relationships, honestly, they get squeezed out when we are putting pressure on of like, is this the one? Is this the one I'm going to marry? Am I going to marry this person? These things can lead to ending connection. I'll also say another inner block is bitterness. And if you are the person who's like, you're out there and you're like, there aren't any good ones out there and like, oh gosh, I've just had the worst state of my life and I just keep having the worst state of my life and I'm so tired of dating and it's exhausting and they're all terrible out there. I hear this, a lot of women saying men are awful. Look, I understand. I understand how easy it can be to get fed up and frustrated and bitter, and that's not a great place to be dating either.
(13:55)
Sometimes people will keep dating through that and it just feels what's the opposite of fun? It feels stressful. And if that's you, you need to notice how you're feeling when you're dating. Are you feeling like you're already disgruntled? Are you feeling like you're disappointed before your date even opens their mouth? Do you feel like you are already rejecting people before you get to know them? Those are all signs that you are bitter. Okay, and then I will also say another thing that is an internal block that keeps people away from meeting people in real life is they're closed off because they've had so much and so much heartbreak that they've used all of that to create an armor around their heart and they just want to feel safe. And I can really relate to this one because I was the queen of armoring up my heart and my ex would say whenever we were getting very vulnerable and whenever I feel like he was getting really close to some of my vulnerabilities and my wounds, he would say that I got prickly and that was my way of protecting myself.
(15:30)
I would get really combative and snappy and kind of nasty and he called it prickly, which I liked because it made me think of this porcupine porcupines have those quills to keep their soft bellies safe. That was me. I'd have this really soft side and then if you got too close, my little prickles came up to keep you away. And this is really relatable when we haven't done the work to heal our hearts and heal those disappointments and really also be kind and true to ourselves so that we know that we're good no matter what. When we haven't done that kind of deeper work, it's easy to let the disappointments and the heartbreak build up and turn into armor. That is actually the easier way to go even though it doesn't feel good and you're not ever really satisfied with romantic relationships after that because everything is going through either prickles or it's going through armor. It doesn't feel very good, but it feels safe to you on some level. But you're always left wanting more because the relationship isn't satisfying. And so this really gets in the way of meeting people in real life because you've always got your guard up. So I'm going to invite you again, take a moment right now to pause the podcast and you're going to reflect on this question, what stories am I carrying that I am using to keep myself safe?
(17:13)
Go ahead and pause the podcast and reflect on that for a minute. Okay, I hope you're taking advantage of this. This is some really great deep work that could really help you. So what is the way to meet people in real life? How do I do that? Well, I will say the first thing is to start by redefining, flirting. And I think this is one of the most misunderstood parts of the dating process is that we think flirting only reserved with a person that we want to go to bed with. And I am here to argue that our job is to flirt with everyone so that we have more fun in life. Flirting is the art of play and being fully present and in your body and aware of who's around you and how they're acting. Finding the fun in interactions, doing a little bit of the unexpected.
(18:21)
That's all that flirting is, being a little unexpected and it's a much more fun way to go around in life. How much more fun is it when somebody asks you, how are you? And instead of answering, I'm fine. I'm good. How you, you were to find a more fun answer and be unexpected. I don't know why. The first thing that came to my mind was peachy keen jelly bean and being silly and maybe getting that person to giggle. And you can play on it from there. If I don't know, I'm feeling silly today. This is kind of fun when we take a moment to say an answer that's a little bit less expected but is more playful or more honest, it invites connection. Flirting is also this dance of tension. And I want you to imagine a rubber band, right? A rubber band isn't much fun and it's not very useful when it's just sitting there.
(19:42)
The whole point is to bond things by stretching it a little bit so that it holds tension. So it holds things in place because it will try to be snapping back under tension. That's what flirting is, is a dance between a little bit of tension by pulling away and then closing in, right? It's the saying the unexpected thing and then using that to build a little connection, just like my silly response. And then calling out the silliness, right? It's throwing a curve ball and then stepping forward into that conversation and keeping it going. It's also using playfulness. And when we find more play in our life, when we are here to play, not only do you have more fun, but you are more inspiring to others to also join you in the fun. And who would you rather be spending time around? The person who's very serious and only says the straightforward answer, or the person who seems to be having fun with life where you're not quite sure. What's the answer I'm going to get when I ask? How was their day? It's just more fun. And I know what you might be saying. You might be saying, Sarah, that's not me. I am not that kind of a person and I get it. I would challenge you that there is a part of you that does want to play.
(21:17)
What did you do as a kid? You probably weren't all spreadsheets. Even if you loved building with Legos and you were very focused on your Legos, it was still play for you because you were creating a whole world with your Legos, right? And even in the seriousness of building, there was some creation happening. So I want you to look at flirting as an opportunity to play in everyday life and to practice being a little unexpected. And if you really want to meet someone in real life, start by practicing flirting at times where the relationship has very low pressure. So it doesn't really matter. Don't practice flirting with your boss. That's a terrible idea. But maybe flirt with the barista at your coffee shop or the person who checks you out at the grocery store intentionally. Go to a line where there's a human being checking people out.
(22:29)
Don't go to the self-serve. Go see a human. Find all the opportunities to interact with a human, and this is your opportunity to practice in a low stakes way. Do not wait until you are in front of that person who is really attractive and you want to put on your best. Don't wait to flirt until then because the pressure's too high. And just like when we're making pancakes, we always burn the first pancake. So let your first pancake with flirting be somebody that it doesn't really matter how it goes, but it can just be fun and you can let it be. And you don't ever have to see that person again unless it's your coffee shop. Then you might need to find a new coffee shop if it really goes that badly, but it probably won't. You'll probably worst case scenario. I bet you make them smile. And that might be the only time they've smiled all morning and you might make their day. It's funny, as I said that the sun came out. So yeah, you might be the sun in someone's morning.
(23:45)
So don't wait to practice flirting until you meet somebody that's attractive. There's too much pressure and you'll probably flub it because that's what we do when we put pressure on ourselves. Practice in those low stakes situations so that it feels easier to you and more comfortable to you and more natural so that when you're in front of somebody and it does matter, you can just do your thing. Okay? So another way to meet people in real life is to find micro moments of connection everywhere you go. So this is like I was saying, take every opportunity to be in front of a human being. Stop ordering your Starbucks online.
(24:31)
Excuse me, excuse me. Nothing like allergy season, huh? Anyway, find those moments of connection. Stop doing your orders online. Stop doing the self-checkout at the grocery store. Stop keeping your earbuds in everywhere you go. Look for opportunities that you can connect with another human. And it's the same rule with flirting. Connect with as many humans as you can, not just the ones that you find attractive. I'm not saying you're going to date all of these people. I'm not even going to say that one of them could be somebody that you're going to date. But the problem is we get so little practice at these interactions that when we do go to make conversation with somebody that we're interested in, we're rusty and it feels like I don't know how to do this. And we put all this pressure on ourselves to be perfect. No, none of that.
(25:33)
Challenge yourself to be aware of who are the humans around me and how can I connect with one right now? And connection doesn't have to be a big deal. It can be as simple as crazy weather we're having, or like I just did allergy season in the northeast, man, my allergies are getting me today. It doesn't have to be big. It can be small talk. And again, I'm also one of those people. I don't like small talk either, but this is practice. This is just practice in connecting. And once you have the opening, when you're in a relationship or you're building a relationship with somebody, you don't have to do the small talk because you've gotten all the kinks out of starting conversation with people when you're not sure. What do we have to connect over? And if you're really struggling to find something, give a compliment.
(26:39)
I love your shoes. I read that book. It's amazing. If somebody's on the subway reading a book or you have great eyes or you have a nice smile or awesome sweater, sometimes just a compliment can make someone smile and make their day. And I'm hearing a theme here, so I'm going to offer another challenge because I said, make someone smile while you're flirting. Even if it goes bad, you're probably going to make 'em smile. So here's my next challenge. Make someone smile today. That's your whole job is to make someone smile. And you know what the easiest way to do that? And this is my third point. Smile at someone, give a smile and I bet you get a smile back. So here are the actual skills that I want you to practice. So you're going to practice flirting, you're going to practice making connections through small conversation.
(27:51)
And then I also want you to practice smiling, making eye contact and letting that be it. Sometimes we don't have you. This is so interesting. Have you ever noticed how infrequently we look at somebody in the eye? We don't make eye contact anymore. We look away, we look at our feet, we look at our phone practice making eye contact with somebody. And I don't mean being creepy about it, like staring at them, but just make the eye contact. Keep it brief and look away. Patty Stanger, who was the Millionaire matchmaker, had the three second flirt role that if it was someone that you were interested in, you would hold their eye contact and count to three. Holding at someone's eye contact for three seconds can feel like forever. And so it's good to start by practicing just making casual eye contact with people and you don't even have to hold it. And then when it is somebody you're interested in, you can hold that eye contact for three seconds while you're smiling and then look away and people come and approach you after that. They feel like they've just had an invitation.
(29:10)
So I want you to look at your life and see the opportunities for fun and for connection. How much of your life are you on autopilot that you're just going through the same routine and you're not even aware and you're not even present about who are the other people around me? And am I actually having fun or am I just checking off a box by going to yoga or by getting my oil change. I actually, I dated somebody that I met in the office for my tax preparer. I can't remember how we started talking. I made some comment about taxes, I'm sure. But yeah, we met in the office and we were both having our taxes prepared and you can't think of a least sexy moment then the office of your tax preparer. And yet that ended up being a really fun dating experience that lasted six, eight weeks, something like that.