- Sarah shares her own experience with trying a cold plunge, which helped her realize the difference between operating from fear versus being present and in control. This insight relates to common behaviors after a breakup, like going back to an ex out of fear rather than facing difficult emotions. - Sarah emphasizes the importance of having a coach or guide to support you through the painful parts of a breakup, rather than trying to handle it alone. A coach can help you develop tools and resilience to not only get through the breakup, but transform it into the best thing that ever happened. - The overall message is that a breakup, while difficult, can be an opportunity for personal growth and building an extraordinary life, if you're willing to put in the work with the right support.
Listen to Sarah's interview with Amy Brown: https://www.iheart.com/podcast/834-4-things-with-amy-brown-30156363/
Follow Sarah on Instagram and DM her "Tell me more" to learn more about private coaching. https://www.instagram.com/sarahcurnoles/
Speaker 1 (00:02):
Have you gone through a breakup and you're tired of feeling low lonely or lost? I've got a pep talk for you. I'm Sarah Curnoles, your breakup bestie. I'm a certified life coach with years of coaching experience, helping people just like you turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to them. Each week, tune in to get a pep talk, to heal your heart. Let go of the past, reclaim your power and get back into your main character energy. Your breakup may have shattered your world as you know it, but together let's build a new better world. Let's go.
(00:44):
Hey friends. Sarah Curnoles here, your breakup bestie, and welcome to breakup pep talks. I want to share a bit more of my personal story today, and before I dive into that, I had something happen this weekend that got me thinking. So a little bit of background. If there is one thing you're going to know about me, well, there are a few important things to know about me, but one thing is I hate being cold. I am my most miserable, my most grumpy, my least patient self when I'm cold. I hate walking in the rain unless I am doing it very much on purpose with full boots and rain gear in the whole nine yards. And I've made this decision that I'm going to get wet, but I generally hate it because I'm short, and that means the back of my pants get wet, which means my socks get wet, and when my socks get wet, my feet get wet and then they get cold.
(01:50):
And I hate it because then I am stuck being cold all day. I am not my best self. So I really surprised myself this weekend when I agreed to do my first ever cold plunge. This is when you get into a tub of very cold water on purpose. It was 44 degrees and I had to get into the 44 degree tub because the 52 degree tub was out of order. I mean, 44 degrees is really cold. And I had a coach that was talking me through it and he said, 30 seconds at this temperature. That's good. And the reason I think it's important to understand the reason why I did this, and please stick with me if you're questioning, why am I talking about cold plunging and what does this have to do with my breakup? Stick with me. This all ties together. I decided to try this cold plunge because they say it's really great recovery for tired, sore muscles, and I've been on my feet a lot.
(03:08):
My legs are really tired and I just can't seem to ever catch up. I seem like my body is always just tired. And I thought, I've tried resting. I've tried stretching, I've tried yoga. I've tried taking a bath with esom salts. That's what it is. I take magnesium, I do all these things, foam rolling. I had a massage, all this stuff. I said, I haven't tried this cold plunge. It's available at my yoga studio and it's a part of my membership. I might as well try it. They say it's great. So the person who was guiding me through it had me do some breathing, and I'm familiar with breath work and embodiment tools. So I'm really used to tuning into my body and paying attention, and I'm really used to being with my breath. And before we even got in, he had me do a visualization of gliding into that water with ease and feeling totally in control about it.
(04:18):
And it's easy. And I got in and my mentor, my guide, he continued to coach me through it and he was giving me my little plateaus and he even coached me to go in deeper. And I lasted two and a half minutes. Easy. It wasn't the most pleasant experience, but it was not awful. It was uncomfortable for some of it, but I felt actually, I felt really good and it actually really helped my muscles so I can understand why people do this. The experience was just really revealing for me. It, I've never done psychedelic drugs or any of these ayahuasca or any of those. I've never done any of those that they say it taps you into a different part of your brain. I haven't done any of that. But what this cold plunge did for me was it made it very clear when I was in control and connected to my body. And when I was in fear, it was as if there was a highlighter that was bringing wild attention to this is your fear. That's what this is. This is just your fear and this is just a construct of your mind. You're actually okay.
(06:01):
I've done a lot of work. I've done embodiment programs and a lot of coaching and a lot of therapy. It has never been that clear to me in my life When I am operating out of fear, fear is trying to control the show versus when I am consciously saying, I am actually okay. I'm going to stay in this. I mean, I am not going to say this is everybody's experience, but this was my experience and it really hit home for me because it was making me think about those times where we keep going through those uncomfortable moments and fear comes up and fear will tell us when you're going through a breakup, fears like go back to your ex. It'll just be better if you can patch things up with your ex or get in another relationship, start dating right away or keep binging that TV show and don't talk to anybody. Stay on your couch. It's totally fine. Don't go out. Don't be in the world. Stay on your couch. It's cool. Do this. Our fear will tell us some really crazy stuff. And in the moment, it seems really logical.
(07:28):
I was that girl who always went back to her ex because I would get to this point after the breakup where I'd be really scared because I was going to have to start facing the emotions that I really didn't want to face. And for me that was loneliness and the sadness and the grief. I felt like I just didn't know how to handle that. And so instead of handling all the complicated parts of the breakup, I would go back to my ex, I'd reach back out and I'd get back together with them. And inevitably that relationship would end, but it would end in this spectacularly bad way. He would cheat on me or he'd break up with me in this really cruel way. And so I never actually had to deal with the feelings because I could point the blame at him. I could be like, oh, I feel this bad because of him, instead of just, I feel this bad because this relationship mattered and these feelings are a normal part of this, and I'm going to learn how to be with these really uncomfortable feelings and I'm going to learn how to be in my body and I'm going to learn to feel my way through it.
(08:51):
And that made me think about being in the water. I had a temperature that was wildly uncomfortable and it's something I really, really hate doing. And I could see myself get scared of, oh my gosh, your toes are starting to stiffen, or Your body temperature shouldn't be this low. What is going on? Why are you doing this to yourself? Get out, get out, get out, get out. My brain would be saying these things to me, and that's logical, right? And yet I had a guide right there by my side telling me, this is what's happening in the process. This is what's coming up next. This is what's going on. You're going to be feeling this soon to get past this. I want you to really focus on this. And that really helped because it gave me something else to focus on. It let me know my experience. A lot of what's coming up is mental. It's a made up thing in my mind. It's not true. There is a truer experience through this and it's predictable and it's manageable.
(10:15):
It got me thinking about what really made the difference for me going from being the person who would go through this breakup and then would have my moment of, I don't know what else to call it, but a freak out. And I would turn back around and I would reach out to my ex and I would get back together with them. The difference between the person who did that and the person who in my last big breakup made this decision of, I'm not going back. It's done. I'm only going to look forward. The difference was I had a coach and I was really interested in my personal growth. It wasn't just about I have to be in a relationship, which I think on some level I was really believing before I really need to be in a relationship to prove to myself that I belong somewhere, that somebody chooses me. That was really, really, really important to me.
(11:37):
And the interesting thing is that by prioritizing that, by saying, I need to belong and I need to do that by being in a relationship and I need to have a boyfriend who chooses me, I was actually abandoning myself in that moment because I was willing to turn my back on myself and say, you can't handle those uncomfortable feelings. You're not capable of sticking it out. You are not worth the discomfort. That sounds really harsh, but when I wouldn't stay with myself through very human, normal emotions when I wouldn't ask for help either. I think that's the other thing, it took me a really long time to turn to a coach for help or to turn to a therapist for help. It took me a really long time to get there, but I didn't for a long time. When I didn't have support in staying with myself and staying true to myself, I would abandon myself and over prioritize making the other person happy, making my ex-boyfriend happy so that he would get back in the relationship and prove to me that I am worthy of belonging.
(13:16):
And it never really occurred to me that I was abandoning myself. I thought it was so important to have somebody that chose me. And I hear that a lot of like, I just want him to choose me. And I said that a lot too. I want him to choose me. I want to be chosen. I really get that because that means that we're special to someone and that's all we really want. I just want to be special to someone. And when we get so focused on being chosen by someone, especially if we're focusing on being chosen by someone who isn't actually choosing us, they're pretty much out of it. They are out of it. They want to be out of it. They have told you they want to be out of it, and you just kind of keep hanging on, which is what I did.
(14:24):
We're not choosing ourself because that's not showing that we're a priority to ourself if we're willing to allow such poor treatment of ourself that we are basically big and to be chosen. And what's interesting is that I know that we prioritize being chosen in this romantic way, but when we do that, we are overlooking all the other ways that we are chosen in our life. And what's really interesting that I've found is that I feel much more, I feel much more I belong in my life when I have deprioritized that feeling of being chosen in a romantic relationship when I don't need it so badly, it actually comes much more easily and I feel more satisfied on a day-to-day basis so that it's not a need, but it's a, oh, that's nice. That's nice to have. And I was having this conversation with Amy Brown. She was interviewing me for her podcast and I'll make sure I'll put the link because the interview comes out the same day that this comes out so you can listen to two conversations with me.
(15:52):
But I was talking to Amy and she had never heard of a breakup coach before, which I understand a lot of people haven't heard of it. And she said, I think people would be surprised to need someone to guide them through this. And I said, I understand that because we assume that we should be able to get through this on our own. And the funny thing is, when we are left to our own devices, we're always going to go for the lowest hanging fruit. For me, that was to go back to my ex. For some people that's to jump right back into dating. For others, that's to get wild with their girlfriends or to stay on their couch all the time eating Ben and Jerry's and watching Netflix, we don't really become our next best selves. When I hired a coach after a breakup, and I've hired a coach actually at some point a lot, I can see a thread here of I hired my first coach after a breakup and she was brand new.
(16:55):
She was just starting out and I was like, what's wrong with me? It was pretty much why I hired her and we worked together a couple times, but I wasn't really ready to look at myself yet. I wasn't really ready to go deep with it, but that was my first interaction with a coach. And then I went through another really big breakup and that was actually what kind of set me on the path to sign up for my coach certification program. And that's how I got there. And then my major, major breakup is what led me to helping people through their breakups in a healthy way. And I see my job as sort of the guide the lighthouse through the hardest, darkest parts of it because when you were just going through that breakup, you're in the muck of the worst parts of it and it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
(17:53):
So I hold sort of the position of lighthouse and I will be the light for a while, and then you start seeing a glimmer of hope of what could come, and I really want to fan that flame, and so that's not just a glimmer, but I want you to turn your breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you, that this is your beginning of your new journey, that you're becoming the next best version of yourself, that you are so happy that this happened because it led you to a new path that maybe you wouldn't have been on. Maybe it leads you to travel the world or fall in love with your person or create really great friends or start a new career or move across the country, whatever it is, because you just don't know what that is yet. But I really see my role as a coach in people's journey as a guide through their transformation, and we can use this pain so that you can learn skills that you can apply anywhere else in your life.
(19:05):
How many other places in your life would it maybe help you to be able to be in discomfort and not run away out of fear? How many other places in your life would you like to be confident or more resilient or where would you like to know that? Even when it's hard and the emotions suck and it feels like you have been beaten down and you are just mush, how would you like to know? I've been here before, I've been through mush and I've made it through and I'm going to be okay and I have new tools that I got from my coach, or I have things I can put into place like structures and routines that can really help me. This is how I help people. I give you tools and I give you practices so that not only do I get you through this hard time, but you now will have an entire set of tools and confidence around getting through tough times so that it becomes something that you can do anytime in the future. This isn't going to be the last time you go through something hard. I hate to tell you that life is uncomfortable, and I think if we are willing to put ourself in uncomfortable situations and we're willing to risk heartbreak and we're willing to be with ourself through the heartbreak, we start creating an extraordinary life because you keep putting yourself out there again and again and again, and you keep having bigger and better experiences that enrich your life in ways that might not even be something that you could think about right now.
(20:53):
This is just the beginning. I'm so interested in your transformation. It starts with the heartbreak of how do I help you through healing your heartbreak, but how do we use this for your transformation so that you build a life that you are so excited about that your ex probably wishes they could be a part of that you can look back one day and you look back on that breakup and you're like, I am so glad that happened. That was actually the best thing that ever happened because it got me here. That's what I'm interested in. That's the dream. I want to help you live. Even if you can't see it all right now, even if it's just a glimmer, I am there with you and I want to take you on that journey, and I want to work with you as your coach. If this is exciting to you, if this feels like it is sparking something inside of you that you're a little bit curious about that you're like, I think that could be for me.
(21:55):
I think that's something that I want. I want to turn this into the best thing that ever happened to me. Then I want to have a conversation with you, connect with me on Instagram, and I want you to send me a DM and say, tell me more, and we're going to start a conversation about what it might look like to work with me as your coach so that you have me by your side telling you all those things that are coming and telling you how to use different tools to get through those hardest parts. Just like I had when I was in my cold plunge that got me through something that I thought I would never do that I thought I was going to hate that I thought I was going to end at the shortest interval possible, and I easily got through two and a half minutes instead of 30 seconds with ease.
(22:44):
I actually did it a second time too, so I should say I did a total of five minutes when I thought I was going to do 30 seconds and done. That's the difference of not having a coach versus having a coach, someone who takes something that seems impossible that you never thought you'd be able to do, and they make it something that you're so excited to talk about and you're so excited and so glad that you did it and it has made you a better person and it has made your life deeper and richer. Reach out to me on Instagram. I'm at Sarah KOLs. See, C-U-R-N-O-L-E-S is my last name. Sarah, S-A-R-A-H, CNO, C-U-R-N-O-L-E-S. It's all one word. Reach out to me on Instagram. I'm also going to link it up in the notes for you. I can't wait to have this conversation with you. I know such big things are available to you if you just want to take one step forward towards that possibility. Alright, I can't wait to talk to you soon. Keep taking care of yourself and I can't wait till our next conversation, my friends be well.